[A.Page94]

Hi friends,

I'm new to this forum, though I have had a look at some of the stuff people have on offer and the talent is great - personally I feel a bit inadequate about my own ability compared to others. I've been writing songs for a wee while now, it's basically been a hobby of mine. I started off playing in "rock" bands with school friends that never lasted too long. At that point I started writing stuff but it wasn't any good. Since the year or so in which I have left school I began writing again and have got myself a fair collection of song which I have recently decided to get down to recording. The song I want to share with you all is called "Rockland" and is inspired by the refrain the famous Ginsberg poem "Howl" (I am with you in Rockland.) I wrote this around December 2012, it was the first song I had written since I had been a wannabe rocker in school - probably the first one in well over a year. I wrote because a great friend and former band mate of mine wrote one of his own songs which I thought was great and I basically wanted to get back out there myself. What it's about I'm not really sure, it just kinda came out.

Anyway here it is - https://soundcloud.com/torn-pages/rockland

I'm afraid the microphone isn't too great as it is all I can afford just now. It would be great if you lovely people could tell me what you think of the lyrics and aesthetics of the song. I look forward to looking at the work of you guys as well. Apologies if I haven't got the guidelines right. Peace.
Andy.

Oh and the lyrics....


Travailing through the heat of a dusty desert track,
All alone in the sun dried afternoon,
Well it took you time to realise,                             
The monumental mistake you made,
but I am with you in rockland,

When the bells from a church rang out on Sunday.
I could hear your muted crying,
So I took it on myself to offer you,
the only comfort you can take,

I am with you in rockland,
Even when your on your own,
Even though your far from home,
I am with you in rockland,
just to give you my love,
just to hold you close,
I am with you in rockland,

While your pondering and trying to connect the dots,
You’ve stumbled on where you got lost,
When Maria said you weren’t worthy,
She forgot your only ace,
I am with you in rockland,

Why did you go and hurry out of civilization,
I’m sure I could have helped your emancipation,
I always knew you were blind,
But I never knew you couldn’t hear

I am with you in rockland,
Even when your on your own,
Even though your far from home,
I am with you in rockland,
just to give you my love,
just to hold you close,
I am with you in rockland,

I will forgive you for all your little crimes,
The poetical murders and the cynical jibes,
You should have known the Greek didn’t trust you,
After your fall from grace,
but I am with you in rockland,

Now your in the cold waiting for battle to unfold,
Just because I never was told,
of your shitty little deeds in town,
and I am all you have left,

I am with you in rockland,
Even when your on your own,
Even though your far from home,
I am with you in rockland,
just to give you my love,
just to hold you close,   
I am with you in rockland,

© Andrew Page, 2014, all rights reserved.

[hardtwistmusic]

Reading your lyric while listening to the extended intro, my mind "fitted" the lyrics to the music.  

The intro was long enough that it gave me an opportunity to try several vocal treatments.  

The first one I tried wasn't satisfying because it forced me to jam too many syllables into every line.  

So I slowed down, and sang the lyrics in at half speed and everything fit well.

So here is the upshot.  The "unsatisfying" vocal that forced too many syllables into each line when I sang it turned out to be almost exactly how you sang this.  

I'm not suggesting that you change it, or slow it down.  But just be aware that to this one person's ears, the lyric isn't fitting the music without being forced.... too many syllables.  

Second nit....If I weren't distracted by trying out vocal treatments, I'd have probably been annoyed at the long lead-in.  Long lead-ins aren't necessarily a problem for your audience, but we songwriters reviewing songs get impatient for the song to "go somewhere" and tell us what it is.  The long lead-in is probably only a problem with impatient reviewers.  

Third thing about the song is that the lyric is excellent, and the guitar work and music is excellent.  It just didn't seem like they were put together in the most effective way.  Again, that is the same "too many syllables" nit that I mentioned before.  

I hope this is a helpful perspective for you.

[S.T.C]

I agree there's some good elements going on here,,,,but some of the lines sound a bit clumsy..like there being `forced` to fit the melody,,,the chorus is good and hooky,,,,,it`s deffo `street poet ` style which is fine.....i think a re-look at the lyrics will sort out the slight disparity between word and melody.

[TheButcher]

I m not a nativ speaker so i ll leave the lyrics untouched

I think with a song like this; the lyrics are very important. Cause the guitar and vocal lines are pretty simple - but they re beautiful, to me

Still, at some point, the song felt a little too long to me. Also, there s a lot of reverb on the guitar.

Still; enjoyed the listen; had fun reading the lyrics.

[A.Page94]

Thank you friends for the feed back, very kind of you to take some time to have a listen and give your opinions.
I'll admit it is something I struggle with, fitting the syllables in without sounding force. Hopefully I'll eventually conquer that. Any advice on how you guys got round that obstacle? Also to TheButcher - I see where you are coming from there. I get a bit carried away with reverb, I guess I was trying to generate a sound that sounded like this song with coming out of the mist or something like that.
Thanks again for the feedback to all of you!

[TheButcher]

y, understand; but especially in the outro, when that harmonica comes in.

effects - like reverb - should help the instrument sound nicer; but here it s like the effect is bigger than the instrument

Cause i really really like your harmonica in that outro; but not with these effects on it.

[garys2811]

Hi Andrew, Thanks for posting. Harmonica and strummed acoustic guitar normally puts a song into that Bob Dylan area and in lots of ways this song is heading that way with words like emancipation and "I always knew you were blind" line. Dylan has fairly long lyrics too. Others have already pointed out that some of your lines try to squeeze in too many words and that's the fundamental song writing paradox of trying to get a lot of meaning into few words that both scan and rhyme. It's not easy.

Have a listen to some Dylan look at his rhyming schemes even if its not the style for you the guy is a genius with lyrics.

You have a few pitching problems (1:45) everyone does you just have to listen for them and either fix them or practice them out. There are one or two melody notes that don't fit the chords (2:09). I like my lyrics to be radio friendly. If you're going to use strong language it has to be justified and can be powerful if done right.

Check out other peoples songs on this site and see the comments. I think I've learned a lot from reviewing other peoples work.

Ok it's maybe not the best song I've heard but it's a damn good start and you have potential. Listen to lots of different stuff and keep at it.

[hardtwistmusic]

I'll admit it is something I struggle with, fitting the syllables in without sounding force. Hopefully I'll eventually conquer that.

The trick to "fitting" is to shorten and simplify every place you can.  If the music needs another syllable, you can always add one of the deleted syllables back in.... or just carry a syllable for two beats. 

There is no limit to how many syllables you can 'stretch' and still sound good. 

But there IS a limit to how many you can force into a melody. 

So, err on the side of simple.  Writing is easy.  EDITING is where the real work is.

I also write prose.  If I have a first draft of 1200 words, the challenge is to make it say ALL the things I want it to say, but to say it in 700 words.  If you can say something (in prose) with fewer words, you have nearly always communicated it better.

Not ALWAYS true with lyrics, but the principle is still valid.

[Jamie]

Hi, I agree with the previous comments about the lyrics and how they 'fit'. There are tuning problems here and there, but there are some notes in the melody that just don't fit the chords. A nice attempt at a Dylanesque song, but it's not there yet. Keep trying
Cheers
Jamie

[digger72]

Hi,

There's some nice parts to this. Chorus works well. The verses could do with some tightening. Get a rhythm to the delivery - might help with the word pruning process.
But, it has plenty going for it. Nice harmonica and guitar.

Nice one.

Digger

[Phlebus]

Hello,

I like this song - it has lots of good bits, particularly the chorus "I'm with you in Rockland" part. Your voice is flat in places but with practise this could be sorted. The trouble is that you try to cram so many words in that your voice and melody are slave to the lyric. So, I agree with the previous comments that there are too many words being forced in where actually, they don't need to be. For example, cut out the adjectives. You can sing "Driving through the heat of a desert track" not "dusty desert track". Again: "I'll forgive you for all your crimes" and not "little" crimes. With a bit of polishing the lyric and melody will work better and also then help the delivery. That said, I like the overall idea and feel. Good effort!

[benjo]

 hey just followed you back on SC

 man I like your work all round
 and this one is really good love the line rockland
 look forward to more from you

                                   well done mate

[AmirMaor]

Sound really nice, I think you do need to improve your final mix, well done

[deegeorge]

The I am with you in Rockland works great and is very memorable, some of the verse lyrics could be worked on so they flow better .I really like the style you have captured in this.Well done

[A.Page94]

Thank you friends!

I'm glad I have put this up here as the feedback has all been very kind and constructive. Hopefully there will be evidence of change on the next song of mine you catch as I have written quite a number of songs in the year since I wrote this one.

Great hearing from you all!