[EattheChildren]

So, this is yet another song from my old lyric book. I wrote this when I was really down, and it helped to get some tension out, so I like it, but I think I need to go back and make sure it all fits into place the way I want it to. Sorry for all the bummer songs recently, I'll be trying to post different songs in the future. Anyway, if you have any comments, let me hear them! Enjoy!



Your Letter

Sometimes I lie down and wonder
If my life has any meaning
I feel the pressure in my bones
And the seconds of my life are fleeing

I'll never see a clearer reason
Nothing you say will stop these feelings
I've held onto this pain for way too long
Now it's time for me to go where I belong

This is your letter
It's just a notice that I'm going somewhere better
So close your eyes and say I was a friend
And I'll be with you in the end

Every night I question why
Every night I dream of suicide
I feel depression setting in
And the end has to begin

I'll never see a clearer reason
Nothing you say will stop these feelings
I've held onto this pain for way too long
Now it's time for me to go where I belong

This is your letter
It's just a notice that I'm going somewhere better
So close your eyes and say I was a friend
And I'll be with you in the end

Don't cry, don't ask me why
No one knows I need to die
When life leaves you behind
Then you can see into my mind

This is your letter
It's just a notice that I'm going somewhere better
So close your eyes and say I was a friend
And I'll be with you in the end

Yikes, reading over it again, this really is a bummer. Anyway, the meaning is pretty obvious, and also pretty touchy, so I'll try to smooth it out again. I was thinking of making this an acoustic rock piece. That would be fun to do. Anyway, sorry for the bummers recently, I'll be back to angry, political nonsense in the near future, so just bear with me!

[diademgrove]

Hi EattheChildren,

I "enjoyed" reading that. I thought it worked really well.

The only suggestion I'd make is in the chorus (?), I'd replace "I've held onto this pain..." with "I've loved this pain...". I think it adds something slightly different to the lyrics, makes you stop with a bit of a jolt, how can anybody love pain, especially pain that is leading to suicide?

Feel free to ignore me if you disagree.

diadem

[GTB]

Hey this was my last posting before I turn in and please don't be offended but what a downer!  I can imagine it as an acoustic, but who would ever want to sing it though?

I think the 4th section (with the word 'suicide') is redundant and could be dropped altogether.
Maybe you should do a raucous punk version instead?
The premise of the song is really good though "your letter", brilliant idea.
Actually I'm chuckling now imagining end of the video for this and the mega-million hits you could get on youtube... I better stop now before I really offend someone and get banned
You know I love your stuff mate - please go eat some more children
GTB

[little feet]

a tricky subject.

perhaps finding some common ground.. for letter reader and letter writer.. some common feeling or cause that brings them together.. i like diadem's suggestion about "i've loved this pain".. it's an interesting direction to take it.

interestingly i what i thought whilst reading it was what you said before..

"Sorry for all the bummer songs recently, I'll be trying to post different songs in the future. Anyway, if you have any comments, let me hear them! Enjoy!"

maybe this could be integrated into this song.. something about writing a different letter?

i don't know.. just ideas.. this is always the saddest story ever told imo.. and so hard to write it right.

good effort though.

p.s. i have stuff like this scribbled down in a book somewhere too.. i'm sure most of us do.

[PeeJay]

Hi,

Plenty of emotion as usual although a little bit of a downer.

I can't see any suggestions i would make apart from the very small one of changing 'and' to 'as' in the fourth line of the first verse.

When a lyric deals with personal emotions it's hard to suggest anything different as you can't really put yourself in the position of the person writing it.

Phil.

[hardtwistmusic]

Comment:  Excellent as usual.  A few suggestions below.  

Your Letter

Sometimes I lie down and wonder
If my life has any meaning
I feel the pressure in my bones
And the seconds of my life are fleeing  (I would suggest "fleeting" here in place of "fleeing."

I'll never see a clearer reason
Nothing you say will stop these feelings
I've held onto this pain for way too long
Now it's time for me to go where I belong

This is your letter
It's just a notice that I'm going somewhere better  - I'd suggest losing the "it's" at the beginning
So close your eyes and say I was a friend
And I'll be with you in the end  -- Think about "And know that I'll be with you in the end"  it seemed like it could use some syllables.  

Every night I question why
Every night I dream of suicide  -- Think about "each night" in this line instead of "every night."
I feel depression setting in
And the end has to begin

I'll never see a clearer reason
Nothing you say will stop these feelings
I've held onto this pain for way too long
Now it's time for me to go where I belong

This is your letter
It's just a notice that I'm going somewhere better
So close your eyes and say I was a friend
And I'll be with you in the end

Don't cry, don't ask me why
No one knows I need to die
When life leaves you behind
Then you can see into my mind

This is your letter
It's just a notice that I'm going somewhere better
So close your eyes and say I was a friend
And I'll be with you in the end

[/quote]

While this one is a "bummer" as you say, there is a redeeming hopeful/positive "vibe" to it lying subtly under the surface.  If you could just make some subtle tweaks to bring that closer to the surface, this could be a marvelously complex multi-dimensional song that every listener could apply their own meaning to.  This could become the best lyric I've seen from you if it were prodded in that direction.  That (of course) is only my opinion, and one opinion from one person is of very limited value.  

But see if there is a pattern of agreement to what I've said among your list of personal critics, and if there is, consider it valid.  "Valid" and "right" are sometimes the same thing, and sometimes not so much btw.  

[BooBoo]

There is a lot of emotion in this and that's what I love about this song. I felt sorry for the 'character' in this that they've gone through something so terrible they want to kill themselves. It all flows really well and it is a great set of lyrics even if it is depressing!