[B4N3M4N]

Since i haven´t written a lyric since 1993, i thought i would write one today.

So...here is my first lyric since 1993...written a moment ago.




A brother from another mother!

My father told me i have a brother from another mother.
A brother from another mother?
Why was i not told this before?
There is so much to explore.
My brother from another mother.
There is so much for us to discover.

Hey, ya´all! I have a brother from another mother.
A brother. A brother from another mother.
This brother is my another brother. A brother from another mother.
Another mother. Another mother.
A brother. A brother. A brother.

So much fun. We will have so much fun together.
I am so happy. I have another brother. Another brother from another mother.
We greet each other with a mutual grin and subtle fists
We will roam. We will rule. We will see chicks all over.
And if there is ever a problem, we will help each other cover.

Hey, ya´all! I have a brother from another mother.
A brother. A brother from another mother.
This brother is my another brother. A brother from another mother.
Another mother. Another mother.
A brother. A brother. A brother.

My brother from another mother.
We are kings.
Our familybond is strong.
You make me proud.
My brother from another mother.
I will let noone you ever bother.

Hey, ya´all! I have a brother from another mother.
A brother. A brother from another mother.
This brother is my another brother. A brother from another mother.
Another mother. Another mother.
A brother. A brother. A brother.

Dosh will come easy. Dosh will be our friend. Dosh is plentiful in my pockets.
My brother from another mother.
I am your big brother.
Your guardian. Your friend.
One family. One tree. You will see!

Hey, ya´all! I have a brother from another mother.
A brother. A brother from another mother.
This brother is my another brother. A brother from another mother.
Another mother. Another mother.
A brother. A brother. A brother.

Look at all the lights! Look at all the glory! Look at all the ladies!
My brother from another mother.
We will conquer. We will excel. We will progress.
We will always have success.

Hey, ya´all! I have a brother from another mother.
A brother. A brother from another mother.
This brother is my another brother. A brother from another mother.
Another mother. Another mother.
A brother. A brother. A brother.

[Sing4me88]

I think there is a clever concept in here somewhere the only thing is trying to extract it. The hook is quite catchy but there is just a huge mass of lyrics with little or no structure that simply getting to the end is a huge chore. I have followed at length your self promotion of your literary skills but tbh your lyrics remind me so much of the early lyrics I used to write- full of words and good lines but lacking any semblance of coherent structure.

I think this needs to be seriously decluttered and an axe taken to a lot of it. Simply put cut back to the bare basics and get a chorus pieced together and I think this could work quite well.

As I have already said the concept is good the hook line is catchy but there is simply far too much here for this to work on any conceivable level. Everything you 'need' is in here its simply the mammoth task of no taking it apart and putting it all back together.

[B4N3M4N]

I think there is a clever concept in here somewhere the only thing is trying to extract it. The hook is quite catchy but there is just a huge mass of lyrics with little or no structure that simply getting to the end is a huge chore. I have followed at length your self promotion of your literary skills but tbh your lyrics remind me so much of the early lyrics I used to write- full of words and good lines but lacking any semblance of coherent structure.

I think this needs to be seriously decluttered and an axe taken to a lot of it. Simply put cut back to the bare basics and get a chorus pieced together and I think this could work quite well.

As I have already said the concept is good the hook line is catchy but there is simply far too much here for this to work on any conceivable level. Everything you 'need' is in here its simply the mammoth task of no taking it apart and putting it all back together.

Very true!

Writing comes easy to me, but i am an amateur in the art of lyrics/songs/music!

"Writing comes easy to me!" can obviously also become a problem, then i can write a lot of content quite fast ( but i still have no interest in writing hundreds of pages as for a book, if i wanted to pursue authorship as in nonfiction ). "Short" lyrics are more fun, more versatile and does not take long time either!

Also, coherence can be interrupted by the fact that i am spontaneous and often humorous/playful/childlish by nature. I don´t plan the content of any lyric i write...only the title!

[Sing4me88]

The difference between writing creatively and writing 'lyrics' is something I picked up very quickly on the forum thanks to the learned wisdom of others. Its fine being spontaneous etc and creative but without structure it gets really hard to connect with and even more difficult to offer feedback on. By no means am I saying curb your creativity simply try to work in a structure and realise when the first draft of a lyric is 'done' rather than simply writing very thing that comes into your head down on the page in front of you. I think this lyric is probably long enough for 2 songs as it is!

[Dogmax]

Hello B4N3M4N great to see you in the lyrics section at last     also delighted you have written your first lyrics since 93, everything Sing4me88 has said is correct so i have sent you a PM with a suggesting that might help.

Welcome to the journey and yes its going to be a long and very enjoyable one   

[adamholden]

Hmm. I don't like this lyric. Or at least it's okay as far as it goes and accepting what others have said. But in the context of the hyperbole that you have spouted here and elsewhere on the forum I have to say I'm disappointed. There is nothing here that is interesting or sparky. The rhymes are trite, the rhythm does not suggest music or movement, and it's far too long given what you have to say. I do like the word dosh. Though it feels contrived. And progress/success has potential. But you have very little to say and don't say it particularity well given the store you set by spontaneity and creativity.

[beckylucythomas]

Welcome to the jungle!

Well, you are not short of ideas, that's for sure.

Sing4me88 has given you some very good advice.

If you want to write lyrics, as opposed to prose, poetry or anything else, you have to think musically. Even if you don't write music, you have to be able to hear what you are writing set to music. It may be that what you have written goes very well to some music that you can hear - if so, you need to be able to get that across somehow to the reader (especially if you want to collaborate with a musician), but if not, you need to re-write it until you can hear it to music.

It's not immediately clear what sort of style/genre this might be.... It's almost slightly Talking Heads-y?? Certainly something a bit off the wall anyway.

You said you wrote it a moment ago.... I think that those people who can produce something complete (and good) in a matter of moments are very rare. The rest of us have to work at it, and work at it, and work at it some more.

You've got some lines and fragments of lines that i think have good potential, though may benefit from being a bit slicker (e.g. we greet each other with a mutual grin and subtle fists, we will roam, we will rule; we are kings; look at all the lights, look at all the glory; we will conquer, we will excel, we will progress...and kind of reluctantly I'll put the brother from another mother hook into that category), there are some that i don't like (e.g. we will see chicks all over; look at all the ladies.....but maybe that's just me...), and a lot that are just too many words on the page that, in terms of developing the story/message, just don't serve enough purpose. However, it could be that when you put them to music they might sound awesome rhythmically. The proof of that can only come with the music.

You have to take that point of view with a pinch of salt though, as it reflects my personal preference in music and lyrics - the sort of lyrics/music that i personally prefer are those where every word serves a purpose and contributes to a story or an image or a mood. However for lots of types of music/lyrics, that sort of efficiency of language may just not be necessary... What sort of music do you have in mind?

You mentioned that you are comfortable with writing in a literary style.... I'd be interested to read something of that nature from you.

You will hopefully receive some really great advice here, which will help you improve. It may often mean re-writing something several times...but that's what we all have to do!

Very glad to see you beyond the bounds of the intros section!

[hardtwistmusic]

I think there is a clever concept in here somewhere the only thing is trying to extract it. The hook is quite catchy but there is just a huge mass of lyrics with little or no structure that simply getting to the end is a huge chore. I have followed at length your self promotion of your literary skills but tbh your lyrics remind me so much of the early lyrics I used to write- full of words and good lines but lacking any semblance of coherent structure.

I think this needs to be seriously decluttered and an axe taken to a lot of it. Simply put cut back to the bare basics and get a chorus pieced together and I think this could work quite well.

As I have already said the concept is good the hook line is catchy but there is simply far too much here for this to work on any conceivable level. Everything you 'need' is in here its simply the mammoth task of no taking it apart and putting it all back together.

What he said.

Half of writing any lyric is the writing.  You have done that half.

The other half is crafting the lyric (which includes "addition by subtraction") and editting it down so that every line says what you want it to say, and no line says MORE or LESS than you need to say.

Excellent idea.  Excellent 1st half of your lyric.  Now craft it and finish it.

No song is EVER "done."  They all could be made better.  Eventually, you'll have to CALL this done because you could spend the rest of your life on just this one song... but don't call it done yet.

You can make this a LOT better.

[B4N3M4N]

The difference between writing creatively and writing 'lyrics' is something I picked up very quickly on the forum thanks to the learned wisdom of others. Its fine being spontaneous etc and creative but without structure it gets really hard to connect with and even more difficult to offer feedback on. By no means am I saying curb your creativity simply try to work in a structure and realise when the first draft of a lyric is 'done' rather than simply writing very thing that comes into your head down on the page in front of you. I think this lyric is probably long enough for 2 songs as it is!

First draft?

How do you mean?

Personally, anything i write is immediately original!

[B4N3M4N]

Hmm. I don't like this lyric. Or at least it's okay as far as it goes and accepting what others have said. But in the context of the hyperbole that you have spouted here and elsewhere on the forum I have to say I'm disappointed. There is nothing here that is interesting or sparky. The rhymes are trite, the rhythm does not suggest music or movement, and it's far too long given what you have to say. I do like the word dosh. Though it feels contrived. And progress/success has potential. But you have very little to say and don't say it particularity well given the store you set by spontaneity and creativity.

I don´t think, i just do.

That´s why i said in other posts that my writing ability would need guidelines with a possibe collaborator.

This is though not a wish or a necessity for my life, it´s for now just a hobby, but it would be something that could better utilize my literary ability in the area of lyrics.

[B4N3M4N]

Welcome to the jungle!

Well, you are not short of ideas, that's for sure.

Sing4me88 has given you some very good advice.

If you want to write lyrics, as opposed to prose, poetry or anything else, you have to think musically. Even if you don't write music, you have to be able to hear what you are writing set to music. It may be that what you have written goes very well to some music that you can hear - if so, you need to be able to get that across somehow to the reader (especially if you want to collaborate with a musician), but if not, you need to re-write it until you can hear it to music.

It's not immediately clear what sort of style/genre this might be.... It's almost slightly Talking Heads-y?? Certainly something a bit off the wall anyway.

You said you wrote it a moment ago.... I think that those people who can produce something complete (and good) in a matter of moments are very rare. The rest of us have to work at it, and work at it, and work at it some more.

You've got some lines and fragments of lines that i think have good potential, though may benefit from being a bit slicker (e.g. we greet each other with a mutual grin and subtle fists, we will roam, we will rule; we are kings; look at all the lights, look at all the glory; we will conquer, we will excel, we will progress...and kind of reluctantly I'll put the brother from another mother hook into that category), there are some that i don't like (e.g. we will see chicks all over; look at all the ladies.....but maybe that's just me...), and a lot that are just too many words on the page that, in terms of developing the story/message, just don't serve enough purpose. However, it could be that when you put them to music they might sound awesome rhythmically. The proof of that can only come with the music.

You have to take that point of view with a pinch of salt though, as it reflects my personal preference in music and lyrics - the sort of lyrics/music that i personally prefer are those where every word serves a purpose and contributes to a story or an image or a mood. However for lots of types of music/lyrics, that sort of efficiency of language may just not be necessary... What sort of music do you have in mind?

You mentioned that you are comfortable with writing in a literary style.... I'd be interested to read something of that nature from you.

You will hopefully receive some really great advice here, which will help you improve. It may often mean re-writing something several times...but that's what we all have to do!

Very glad to see you beyond the bounds of the intros section!

No particular music style in mind. I just like it to be cheerful/upbeat. I like a song to be youthful.

But i believe i could write in any category.

Sorry, i don´t have the patience for authorship. I don´t like the idea of hundred of pages, even though i have a mind that can dictate the content to me to make it less effortless.

[B4N3M4N]

I think there is a clever concept in here somewhere the only thing is trying to extract it. The hook is quite catchy but there is just a huge mass of lyrics with little or no structure that simply getting to the end is a huge chore. I have followed at length your self promotion of your literary skills but tbh your lyrics remind me so much of the early lyrics I used to write- full of words and good lines but lacking any semblance of coherent structure.

I think this needs to be seriously decluttered and an axe taken to a lot of it. Simply put cut back to the bare basics and get a chorus pieced together and I think this could work quite well.

As I have already said the concept is good the hook line is catchy but there is simply far too much here for this to work on any conceivable level. Everything you 'need' is in here its simply the mammoth task of no taking it apart and putting it all back together.

What he said.

Half of writing any lyric is the writing.  You have done that half.

The other half is crafting the lyric (which includes "addition by subtraction") and editting it down so that every line says what you want it to say, and no line says MORE or LESS than you need to say.

Excellent idea.  Excellent 1st half of your lyric.  Now craft it and finish it.

No song is EVER "done."  They all could be made better.  Eventually, you'll have to CALL this done because you could spend the rest of your life on just this one song... but don't call it done yet.

You can make this a LOT better.

This is also why i in other posts wrote that, if i collaborated with someone more qualified, my work can be reworked to fit the purpose.

I myself have no problem producing different lyrics. My lyrics can be viewed as unfinished material that need revision.

"Musclebrain teams up with Qualitybrain"!

[Dogmax]

Relax Man chill out remember this is the lyrics section, have you try the Bar section   

[beckylucythomas]

No particular music style in mind. I just like it to be cheerful/upbeat. I like a song to be youthful.

That's kind of my point.... I really think you need to have some sort of music in mind in order to write lyrics. Otherwise you might as well be writing poetry or random stream of consciousness or whatever. If i were to give one piece of advice, that would be it: think musically. It doesn't have to be a fully formed symphony...or even a complete melody..... But it has to have some sort of rhythmic and melodic structure and direction.

But i believe i could write in any category.

Well you're certainly not short of confidence either. Self belief is great, but so is realising that you have to put the work in. 1% inspiration 99% perspiration.

Sorry, i don´t have the patience for authorship. I don´t like the idea of hundred of pages, even though i have a mind that can dictate the content to me to make it less effortless.

Don't worry i wasn't asking to read your nascent novel!    I meant a lyric that is in more of a literary style as it might show off your talent.


.....and don't forget that part of the learning process is engaging with other people on their work as well as your own. Making yourself constructively listen and critique other people's work is a real learning curve in itself.

[adamholden]

By the way, what songs do you like to listen too?