[friendlymountain]

I've been gradually trying to write a song for the last year - with nothing coming close to finishing.
This was written and recorded in 20 minutes after an emotional spell )  - so all in all is a bit rough. Its developed slightly since this recording and now has a middle 8 humming section and slightly different ending - bull overall the same sound and format.

When I recorded it, I thought it could do with some harmony so I just quickly added a one take harmony vocal track. Hope you enjoy, and feedback more than welcomed.
Oh, and yes, the first note was really bum - I know!

http://soundcloud.com/friendlymountain/star-my-first-ever-song

STAR - By Jamie

There's a star
A real beautiful star
It is bright
and it smiles in the night
like a beacon of light

There's a star
and it's movin' real fast
I'd like to keep it in my sky
and make this feelin' last

If only thie night stayed forever
If only the night stayed forever
If only the night stayed forever
If only that star, came down for me

MIDDLE 8 - HUMMING SECTION (not in this recording)

There's a star
the most beautiful star
It's bright
and smiles in the night
like a beacon of light

See this star
coz it's movin' too fast
I'd like to set, it apart
A reason for it not to de-part

If only the night stayed forever
If only the night stayed forever
If only the night stayed forever
If only that star, came down for me

[onemanband]

Hi Jamie,

I think thats a really strong first song, really nicely sang in places as well.

"and it smiles in the night
like a beacon of light"

is really beautiful imagery, and the ryhme flows nicely helping the verse pick up momentum at the end.

The chorus is really nicely written, chatchy and simple.

My criticism would be to use the star as more of a mataphor. I can vey easily imagine this song being about two lovers spending their last night together. Or the singer reminiscing about the last night spent with his love. This can easily be acheived while keeping the large part of the lyrics you already have.

You would just need to change the second and fourth verse's to make it more obvious that the star is being used as a metaphor. I think this would really add another dimension to what is already a beautfiul song
.
and don't worry about the bum note at the start, i do the exact same thing on my recordings, takes me a while to warm into the song. I think of it as a trademeark.

Thanks for posting this, enjoyed listening to it.

[friendlymountain]

Hi Jamie,

I think thats a really strong first song, really nicely sang in places as well.

"and it smiles in the night
like a beacon of light"

is really beautiful imagery, and the ryhme flows nicely helping the verse pick up momentum at the end.

The chorus is really nicely written, chatchy and simple.

My criticism would be to use the star as more of a mataphor. I can vey easily imagine this song being about two lovers spending their last night together. Or the singer reminiscing about the last night spent with his love. This can easily be acheived while keeping the large part of the lyrics you already have.

You would just need to change the second and fourth verse's to make it more obvious that the star is being used as a metaphor. I think this would really add another dimension to what is already a beautfiul song
.
and don't worry about the bum note at the start, i do the exact same thing on my recordings, takes me a while to warm into the song. I think of it as a trademeark.

Thanks for posting this, enjoyed listening to it.

Thanks very much for your feedback
I would hlike to clarify the metaphor as you suggest - so hopefully another verse will come doing just that:) Agian - thank you -- very much appreciated!

[hardtwistmusic]

Not a "great first song."  A great song.  Period.  WOW.  Great guitar work (to my uneducated ears anyway) and great vocals with incredible prosody.  The vocal is incredibly respectful of the music and the music is incredibly respectful of the vocal. 

This is (imo) as good as it gets.  It's my opinion that you have a marvelous talent.

[friendlymountain]

Not a "great first song."  A great song.  Period.  WOW.  Great guitar work (to my uneducated ears anyway) and great vocals with incredible prosody.  The vocal is incredibly respectful of the music and the music is incredibly respectful of the vocal. 

This is (imo) as good as it gets.  It's my opinion that you have a marvelous talent.

Wow. Thank you so much - they are really lovely comments. I'm a little lost for words at how nice - so thank you.
I hope I can write more songs to share.

[nrand]

I've been gradually trying to write a song for the last year - with nothing coming close to finishing.
This was written and recorded in 20 minutes ……

Hang on to these gems when they come, this really shows something of you - an authentic song will always speak to the audience. Often good ones come from lots of hard work too so I hope you keep at it and will share some more.

Well done

[hardtwistmusic]

I've been gradually trying to write a song for the last year - with nothing coming close to finishing.

Some unsolicited advice... not trying to be pushy, but you did bring it up.

"Finishing Songs" is over-rated.  I've had songs sit for as long as 20 years without finishing - and it's good that they did, because waiting created the best finish I was capable of. 

Of course I've had songs that started and finished in essentially final form in a couple of hours too. 

But, if you've only been writing for a year, there is no negative to having a backlog of half-finished songs.  Some will finish with time.  Perhaps some will finish with a collaborator who has a talent for "finishing."

Others will finish because every song you DO finish gives you confidence and skills to finish others. 

Never (imo) "rush" the finishing of a song.  As Al Stewart wrote and sang, "Nothing that's forced can ever be right, if it doesn't come naturally, leave it." 

It's excellent advice (again imo) about songwriting.