[onemanband]

This a song that I have a love/hate relationship with.

I always return to it every few months, and have gave it a good re-working this week, but something about it still doesn't sit right with me.

I am happy with the lyrics the song spawned from when a tv presenter hosting a live phone in show of some sort, hung up on a caller, citing "time is no longer our freind" as his reason, and I have took it and ran with it.

It's nothing fancy musically, a repeating three chord trick, with  lead breaks,and occasional cymbal hits, just because I have one knocking about.

Let me know if it manages to hold your intrest for the full three minutes, and if not suggestions on how to acheive that would be appreciated.

Its a commentary on the frivolousness of it all. Just too cheer you up for the festive season

https://soundcloud.com/brendanlawless/time-is-no-longer-my-freind-1

Time is no longer my freind

well time is no longer my friend now it seems that
the harder I grip the more it slips from me
and night after night
and day after day
its not black, its not white
its just shades of grey

But I
go on
observing, all the same old tired traditions

and I
go on
in this never ending battle of attrition

I used to think time is on my side
but now it feels, like time has passed me by.
and its left after right
and right after left
it's all so ingrained
I can close my eyes without skipping a step

but I..
go on...
observing, all the same old tired traditions

and I
go on
in this never ending battle of attrition

Well it used to feel like my best was yet to come
But lately it feels like my best has come and gone
and its smoke after smoke
and drink after drink
and I don't dream, I don't live... I don't think.

But I
go on...
observing, all the same old tired traditions

and I
go on
in this never ending battle of attrition

[hardtwistmusic]

In my opinion this is REALLY good.  I like it a lot.  I absolutely adore the lead-in/musical bridge.  Almost sounds like an Orchestral harp, but I'm guessing you're using a guitar.  Very, very nicely written.  I was able to sing it with you on the first time through, so your accompaniment is providing EXCEPTIONAL guidance for the vocal. 

[onemanband]

Thanks alot hardwistmusic,

     I think that I have been working on this song for so long now that It well never feel complete to me.

But thanks for the feedback

Brendan

[tokenangmoh]

Hi Brendan.

You have a great voice!

And this verse is very good indeed:

Well it used to feel like my best was yet to come
But lately it feels like my best has come and gone
and its smoke after smoke
and drink after drink
and I don't dream, I don't live... I don't think.

That's a whole life vividly visualised in a verse. But as a tiny quibble, you've put a lot of stress on the "it" in the first line, which is usually an unstressed word in natural speech. In fact, I think the melody note you're using for "it" has enough stress to manage two syllables, so perhaps you might consider the following substitution (I've spaced both lines so you can tell which syllable attaches to which note):

It       used  to  feel
Used to  be    I   felt

I really like the chorus, too. The uneven line lengths and repetition make it catchy and the tradition / attrition rhyme is on point and unexpected.

The part I like least is:

and night after night
and day after day
its not black, its not white
its just shades of grey

I think it's because as soon as I hear the word "black", I start expecting "grey" to complete the line. And also because I'd rather live a life in shades of grey than black and white - at least there are shades for variety and subtlety. I don't think it has the same power as an opposition between colour and unshaded grey.

I like the guitar breaks too - although I can't help wondering if tremolo guitar or maybe mandolin might work even better... (I have very odd ideas for instrumentation which should largely be ignored.)

Anyway, good job!

Matt

[onemanband]

Thanks for listening Matt,


  I think your right about the stressed "it" it does sound unatural. I'll have to sort that out.

  I'll  have a think about "shades of grey line" it does sound a little cliche to me (black, white, grey)
but the whole opening verse came together almost instantly, and is the only part that has survived the axe in the many edits since. So it does hold a certain nostaglia for me.

I can invert the set up line to give me new rhyme options

"Day after day
and night after night"

I'l have a think about it.

Oh and I love the idea of tremelo guitar, definitely giving that ago.

thanks for the feedback.

I'm determined to get this song completed before the turn of the year.

[Home Surgery]

Two things I'd work with (had the song been mine):

- Having the song start out slower - e.g. have finger playing instead of strumming to make the latter part of the song 'more efficient'.

- I feel like the title/the first line takes away a lot of the incitement to listen on. It's not meant as a huge critique, just that it gives away the main characters overall conclusion before I even understood how he get there and why.

[Homeless Recluse]

Sorry, I don't really have anything to add but you really have a distinctive voice. 

I really like it and think it's gonna be a GREAT song when finished. Really look forward to hearing it.

[nrand]

Hi Brendan.

You have a great voice!

And this verse is very good indeed:

Well it used to feel like my best was yet to come
But lately it feels like my best has come and gone
and its smoke after smoke
and drink after drink
and I don't dream, I don't live... I don't think.

That's a whole life vividly visualised in a verse. But as a tiny quibble, you've put a lot of stress on the "it" in the first line, which is usually an unstressed word in natural speech. In fact, I think the melody note you're using for "it" has enough stress to manage two syllables, so perhaps you might consider the following substitution (I've spaced both lines so you can tell which syllable attaches to which note):

It       used  to  feel
Used to  be    I   felt

I really like the chorus, too. The uneven line lengths and repetition make it catchy and the tradition / attrition rhyme is on point and unexpected.

The part I like least is:

and night after night
and day after day
its not black, its not white
its just shades of grey

I think it's because as soon as I hear the word "black", I start expecting "grey" to complete the line. And also because I'd rather live a life in shades of grey than black and white - at least there are shades for variety and subtlety. I don't think it has the same power as an opposition between colour and unshaded grey.

I like the guitar breaks too - although I can't help wondering if tremolo guitar or maybe mandolin might work even better... (I have very odd ideas for instrumentation which should largely be ignored.)

Anyway, good job!

Matt

I had the same response
Try turning your 'it's into 'I's

Even more radical try this:
Change
It's all so ingrained
to
I am so ingrained

and see what you think of that.

Aren't we good at messing with others' work?

I look forward to hearing the final cut!

[hardtwistmusic]

This a song that I have a love/hate relationship with.

I always return to it every few months, and have gave it a good re-working this week, but something about it still doesn't sit right with me.

I am happy with the lyrics the song spawned from when a tv presenter hosting a live phone in show of some sort, hung up on a caller, citing "time is no longer our freind" as his reason, and I have took it and ran with it.

It's nothing fancy musically, a repeating three chord trick, with  lead breaks,and occasional cymbal hits, just because I have one knocking about.

Let me know if it manages to hold your intrest for the full three minutes, and if not suggestions on how to acheive that would be appreciated.

Its a commentary on the frivolousness of it all. Just too cheer you up for the festive season

As I read this, I'm flashing back to a song I wrote (illustrative of many others) where I tinkered and "fixed" music until I was satisfied it was as good as I could make it.  Years later, I encountered one of my early "mistakes" that I had fixed and was blown away.  MUCH better than what I ended up with. 

While we are intensely occupied with a song, sometimes we aren't quite as objective as we would be if we just set it aside and left it alone for awhile.  Particularly those of us with "perfectionist" tendencies. 

While it IS true (imo) that "every song could be better," it's not necessarily true that we can FIND the "better" in every song.  Nor is it true that we can find the "better" by "pressuring the song."  Sometimes, like fine wines, songs just need to be "set aside and aged" and returned to when we are less intensely involved in them, and thus more objective. 

None of that is necessarily relative to this song.... but some of it could be.

[Stylus]

Ello  Onemanband
                          I heard this track &  you've got something here. Its not totally there  but its got
something  which is melody your voice &  where it lacks to a degree  is smoothness between the vocals & guitar chords. they are not married & are living in sin.....so marry the vocals with the chords
& polish the song fine tune it  &  dare I say it  You will have a  cracker  of a song.

                                              Happy xmas    Stylus

[hardtwistmusic]

Ello  Onemanband
                          I heard this track &  you've got something here. Its not totally there  but its got
something  which is melody your voice &  where it lacks to a degree  is smoothness between the vocals & guitar chords. they are not married & are living in sin.....so marry the vocals with the chords
& polish the song fine tune it  &  dare I say it  You will have a  cracker  of a song.

                                              Happy xmas    Stylus

Hey Brendan:  This is probably good advice.  I can't hear any failure in the prosody, but if Stylus can, take his advice to heart.  He's a musician, and I'm not.  He can "hear" problems that will escape my ears. 

[jmacdon]

Hi Brendan

Matt has given great advice on the lyrics:  you have thought through these lyrics and they work very well - I love the tradition / attrition; I also love "its not black, its not white, its just shades of grey" - it sounds very cliche'd but actually it's a great lyric and i'm surprised I haven't heard it before on commercial tracks!

The melody is very upbeat and I like the way it seems to continuously drive forward: what this means is that, because there is no natural break in the rhythm, the listener is compelled to listen to the end !

A bit of echo on the vocal may make this more personal to the listener  - that's my only technical feedback!

John

[Random Stranger]

Hey, I was wandering around the net looking for a decent songwriting forum when I came across your song. I listened, and registered so I could reply. It's a good song, and I have a few suggestions that might help you get it where you want it to be.

Is 'Time is no longer my friend' your working title? Because listening, I think the title is 'I go on'.

One thing that stands out to me is that the verses don't match - the last line of each is of varying lengths that makes some feel too rushed and others to far spaced. Verse to verse, try to keep the rhythm the same.
Second, I think what is missing is a bridge. Give us a section that isn't the same melody, that gives us some deeper insight.  A different melodic treatment, a different number of lines and a different rhyme scheme. Let it stand out.
Below, a few ideas for changes:
You mentioned switching black/white to white/black - that might resolve the 'cliche' of shades of gray. One possible way:
(and day after day
and night after night
the colors have faded
to all dirty white)
Leaving b/w in current order,  you could try something like 'color fades away' both of these lead the mind to think 'shades of grey' without actually using the phrase, which eliminates the cliche.

Tenses go a bit haywire in the second verse and the last line is really crammed into the song.
I used to think time is on my side
(I used to think time WAS on my side)
...   ...
I can close my eyes without skipping a step
(awkward line. maybe 'walking blind through life without missing a step? Skipping is part of the problem in this line, I think.)

Last suggestion, add a line to your refrain. As it is, it seems very final, yet the words imply a longing for more. A third line will help unbalance it, reinforcing the longing in the words.

But I
go on
observing all the same old traditions
And I
go on
in this never ending battle of attrition (2 lines, balanced, counteracts the effects of 'never ending' and 'attrition')
Yes I
go on.

I hope something in there proves useful.