[Peppermint]

Hey everyone,

This originaly started off in the lyrics section,
But being as i have started making the music to it i feel it is better suited here now.

I've tried to make the music sound sombre so that it fits the lyrics,
Also I didn't want the music to sound repetitive after 3 verses which I think this might due to it being a slow song But i feel once words have been added I think it won't be too bad.

So far I've only got the music for the first 3 verses and the pre chorus which you can hear below.

https://soundcloud.com/peppermint3/a-mothers-son-updated/s-4KX00

I've also changed a few words in the lyrics so that it fits the music a little better too.

The song is basically about a guy who is having a hard time coping with the death of his mother.

Does anyone have any ideas on how I could improve it also I feel that the Pre chorus is better then the actual chorus,
So I was think of making the pre chorus the chorus instead should I do this?

A Mothers Son
V1
Whenever, I had a nightmare,
you'd hug, me back to sleep,
And this is just one of those childhood memories,
I would, like to keep.

V2
And whenever, I felt so lonely,
Or whenever, I felt so scared,
you said you'd always be there beside me,
But now your gone.

V3
As we went, into your final hours,
You told, me to always be brave,
But all, I have now is a bunch of these blossoming flowers,
To place upon your grave,

PC
I still have all the tears filling up my eyes,
along with these emotions I just can't disguise,  

C
Won't you come back to me, back for me,
I don't want to feel like this for eternity,
come back to me, back for me,
Your the only person that I want to see.

B
And now People keep on telling me that I need to move on,
But I always end up playing your favourite song,
They're telling me that I have to keep strong,
But all I get is a feeling that I just can't move on,

C
So won't you come back to me, back for me,
I don't want to feel like this for eternity,
come back to me , back for me,
Your the only person that I want to see.

Outro
Now people may keep looking down on me,
But I'm only trying to be a mother's son.

Thanks
Peppermint

[terrysains]

Such an emotive subject, with few emotions in the song, didn't touch me. Terry.

[Peppermint]

Such an emotive subject, with few emotions in the song, didn't touch me. Terry.

Hey Terry,

Thanks for the feedback 

When you say their is no emotion in the song do you mean the lyrics or the music?
And if so where do you think the improvements need to be made.

Peppermint

[terrysains]

Both really, I just don't believe it. Either the person who has written this has not felt real pain and loss, or they are suppressing a great deal, it has not come out in the lyrics for me.
It didn't make me cry and it should.

Terry.

[Peppermint]

Both really, I just don't believe it. Either the person who has written this has not felt real pain and loss, or they are suppressing a great deal, it has not come out in the lyrics for me.
It didn't make me cry and it should.

Terry.

Hey Terry,

Okay thanks for the feedback. 

Peppermint

[beckylucythomas]

Hi peppermint!

Will you be putting some singing into a WIP version? I think that would really help reviewers to get a feel for where you want this to go.

A lot of emotion can be added in the performance. Your music is very funereal, so it could certainly take a vocal that if done well could emote sadness and loss.

The lyrics are very literal, and there's nothing wrong with that - I'm sure people will relate to the reactions to loss that you have described - the thoughts and memories. You could possibly do a bit more with them to get to the true honest feeling of loss - how this person is feeling now, how he is behaving because of his loss, how he feels about the future, what he is scared of.... I think your lyrics are starting to do this, but you can add more hard hitting stuff... And they maybe just need a bit more poetry....a bit of something non-literal, some metaphors maybe that draw comparisons that people can relate to emotionally....

I hope that helps!

Hope to hear this in its next incarnation soon!

[Peppermint]

Hi peppermint!

Will you be putting some singing into a WIP version? I think that would really help reviewers to get a feel for where you want this to go.

A lot of emotion can be added in the performance. Your music is very funereal, so it could certainly take a vocal that if done well could emote sadness and loss.

The lyrics are very literal, and there's nothing wrong with that - I'm sure people will relate to the reactions to loss that you have described - the thoughts and memories. You could possibly do a bit more with them to get to the true honest feeling of loss - how this person is feeling now, how he is behaving because of his loss, how he feels about the future, what he is scared of.... I think your lyrics are starting to do this, but you can add more hard hitting stuff... And they maybe just need a bit more poetry....a bit of something non-literal, some metaphors maybe that draw comparisons that people can relate to emotionally....

I hope that helps!

Hope to hear this in its next incarnation soon!

Hello caco,

Yes I was thinking of putting a vocal on this when I get round to it.
Been too busy just lately to get round to it.

Thanks for your review.

Peppermint

[benjo]

 hey peppermint

 in my honest opinion it does lack the kind of feeling that really should make the reader
 or listener well up or at least sigh,

 the music on its own I thought was lovely
 but reading the lyrics on there own wasn't so lovely
 I don't think it moves you enough for the subject

 but I would like to hear the two together
 that could give it the rise in emotion and drama it needs
 so it could just be you find the time to do that
 this could be really good

 good luck with it

                      tony.

[Jamie]

Hi peppermint,
                      I'm liking the music, it's got the potential to be emotive. I'm not so critical of the lyrics, because I think if you have a killer melody and a nice harmonic structure, you can' get away' with some lyrical issues , but it needs to 'add up' a little more with a more resonant picture of how the song could be. If you believe in this song, put a melody and a vocal to it and then see how the lyrics feel.
                     I'm not a great believer in criticising a lyric without the ' whole package'. There are plenty of dire lyrics that have been hits!

Good luck
Cheers
Jamie

[Peppermint]

Thanks for the feedback benjo and Jamie,
Glad you like the music shame about the lyrics haha 

[Jamie]

Hi Peppermint,
                       Just to be clear, my comment about dire lyrics being hits ,  was not a comment on your lyric !
Finish it off!
Cheers
Jamie

[S.T.C]

I could sit and listen to that music for hours..something Japenese about it......if you keep this score,,you need to rewrite the lyrics into more of a poem,,,like a narrative....almost spoken...

Forget more emotion,,,,there`s enough in what you've written already..otherwise it`s going to make people feel sick listening to it..

Keep working on it.

[Stylus]

             Hi Peppermint
                                Good way to go forwards with this is to put a stonkingly moving vocal on to it!
  only you know  what is anticipated in the concept? The lyrics seem to not strike the heart on visuals alone  but the right vocal can make it happen.....
               The music....or the choice of sounds, sounded like the persuaders theme...although much slower & sparse.  Get it finished!      & work some magic into it

                                                    Cheerz  bud        Stylus

[Peppermint]

Hello Songsthatcry, Stylus and Jamie 

Decided to leave this on the back burner for now,

Due to me not having gone through this personally thank goodness,
I feel I won't be able to get the emotion across as well as someone who has gone through it could if you know what I mean.

Although every songwriter should be able to write about all situations but I think I may have stepped out of my league on this one.

Saying that I am in the process of writing another song which I think will sound a whole lot better then this one I hope.

Thanks
Peppermint


 

[Stylus]

Dear peppermint
                Do NOT be disheartened or give up! I have been crucified on almost every song of mine..in fact  I knew before posting  the script of pending posts...but I went ahead....Why? you may ask? because it certainly makes one want to improve in areas that need attention.
          At the end of the day.....words...are just words,comments are just comments..? it should not matter....& you should have heart & follow it through?  I certainly am.....&  thats the icing on the cake
to perhaps one day.....perhaps?  change the script.
                          I think you have talent  & even the greatest of songwriters/artistes have a bad moment......   in your case its not a bad moment!
                                                    Smile!              Stylus