[James Nighthawk]

Happened to see Tone post on here. I never come to the lyrics page, but a change is as good as a break...

I work often with rap artists as my day job as a music producer. I listen to quite a bit of hip hop from Outkast to Eminem to Missy Elliot. The more commercial stuff granted, but isn't hiphop often about "paper"

You have some glimmers of smart lyricism here. Your cadence flows better towards the end I feel. It is slightly clunky and some of the basics of flow are missing (monosyllabic phrases against polysyllabic etc)

You reference GTA and modernity. Now, I am a big gamer and follow rockstar games. They are smart (and make good games - GTAV is excellent!) They walk a thin and dangerous line between pandering to the masses and social commentary. A GREAT idea for hip hop actually!

The GTA games are not just about sluts and hos and guns. They are about the dysfunction of the american dream. Some great Hip hop does this too - take Eminems career span. And, like good film scripts, they employ some heavy language and violence. It is NOT just for it's own sake though.

Your verse here lacks reason, lacks direction, so it comes across as a bunch of rhymes with some nasty language.

You say f**k the mainstream AND the underground>? Care to leave any bridges unburned? LOL. Unless of course you mean to say you are disillusioned full stop?

Grab some focus. Work out WHAT you want to say before you start. Then find your character and your flow. Feel free to swear as and when it adds to context, is witty, funny or (ideally!) some or all of the above!

And expect to have exactly zero female fans if you use the C word. You can't  be oblivious to the standing this word maintains.

Ignore me if you will, but you came asking for some advice.

James

 

[benjo]

hey Ollie

its a shame this has gone off in a silly manner because I love your lyrics,
and I think I can actually see where your going with it

yes the words are not nice and on the forum where we do have younger members
that are valued very highly,

but you have talent in a genre that a lot of people don't understand its hard core

here's my suggestion can we create a page where this kind of lyric can be posted
that way people who do like rap and true to life meanings and sayings can visit and enjoy

those who see that its explicit can stay away
also there may be more people out there who do write explicit material
although I do agree there are limits

                           LETS START A NEW PAGE FOR THESE GUYS AND GALS

 
                                    PS Ollie nice write mate just keep developing it
                                         could be the next MNM

                                                           tony.

[Olie]

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[Olie]

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[hardtwistmusic]

Your logic isn't worth more than this thread. You take issue with the C word but not the fact i said i will noose people? I hope i havn't warped your fragile mind. Something feels off here, I'm guessing your a feminist or more likely a troll? LIKE I SAID we can leave it there, don't keep trying to get the last word. PM me if you have a problem and we can sort it out, ok sunshine?

Firstly, I don't have a FRAGILE MIND.
Secondly, I'm not a TROLL.
Thirdly, don't you EVER 'ok sunshine' me again.
You're seriously not worth my breath.
End. Of.

Let me suggest something.  USE THAT ANGER and express it in a lyric.  And DO share it with us.  Don't attempt to aim it (the anger) at anyone, but EXPRESS IT in a lyric.  I guarantee it will be interesting to read.

[Thomas Frederick]

Hip hop really isn't my genre, but my brother listens to A LOT of it so I have some knowledge on it...

I'd like to say that I think a lot of the words you've used are actually pretty good! They convey a lot of description which is kind of needed in rap because usually there's some form of story being told, so well done on that.

A lot of the lines here are very clever which I like, wordplay is definitely a feature you can do well.

The rhyming all works fine.

I do think that some lines are forced and seem too clumsy... Like if you were rapping them it'd be hard to get them into a rhythm properly (though that might just be me).

As for the swearing I can only reiterate what everyone else has said. While I don't have a problem with the C-word, I can definitely see how others would. But you have rectified your post title to say "explicit" or whatever, so I assume it's okay now.

Overall, quite impressed! Look forward to reading/hearing more from you!

[Scarriff]

In some of the comments I see the word "anger" a lot, also expressed in the lyrics.
I think there is a poetic quality to anger and if used properly can form great songs, I also think there is more to anger than swear words and shouty insults.
So, yes I do agree that using anger in a song is a good thing, but only if it is used properly.

Last thing, I agree with most of comments on this post so I wont bother repeating any of the previous points, despite that I have to praise you for this song for rhyming with multiple syllables, for example:
"You crack headed crowned mic clowns,
Shut your mouths or pipe down"
Not enough people do it, even some major rap artists fail to do so, so good job on that

[Olie]

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[Olie]

This user has been permanently banned