[seriousfun]

Strong lyric again Jess, i can ss why this song has been nominated. I am not so hunger up on the lack of anger as the lyric reads as this can easily be conveyed in the delivery.  You have included some really catchy rhymes in this and i love the way you have incorporated the plane metaphors but i think i would sink the boat one (pun intended) to maintain consistency.

Likin' this

Allan

[Paulski]

Hi
This is going to be a cool song!
I agree with Allan, though - suggest dump the ship part.
e.g. in the second line you could say
"Don't board a plane in a Hurricane"
Also, I don't understand "We graced a narrowing line"
Best
Paul

[Jess]

Thanks so much for the comments, I've taken them all on board and majorly edited the original version

[hardtwistmusic]

WOOOOO HOOOOOO.......   This just got REAL interesting. 

The first draft was slightly better than okay.  These edits are incredible.  The whole "experience" of this lyric is now high level emotional. 

WAY better expression of the anger.  Way better "logical flow" this way.  The lyric now gives "not too much, and not too little" information.  We're still left to fill in a lot of blanks (which we, as readers/listeners LOVE to do) but provided a very nice framework for our imaginations. 

The real test (imo) of a songwriter is how well they are able to reconsider and improve their work.  This stamps you as a high level intellect, and as a high level songwriter. 

This was great.

[Jess]

Hardtwistmusic- YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! You don't understand how happy you've made me! It was your comments that were responsible for most if the edits- I guess it just goes to show how far brutal honesty can go. Thank YOU very much for the push in the right direction

[GTB]

Hi Jess,
this is great!  I haven't read all the other comments but I can see they are very positive and rightly so.  I like the whole theme of this and I especially like the reference to 'third eye' (I even goggled it) :-)
hope we'll get to hear it.
GTB

[hardtwistmusic]

BTW... Like Graham, I too looked up "third eye."   It's a fascinating concept.  The Taoist concept of the "third eye" is almost identical to something I wrote on and studied in depth in the 90s..... the concept (as I named it) was "listeners soul."   The "listener's soul" that I wrote on was almost identical to that Taoist third eye concept.  It's always fascinating to "discover something" then to discover how many times people in the distant past had "discovered it" before you.

[Jess]

GTB- thank you! Plus I agree...if a song has more than five comments I'm just like "I'll say what I need to say and hope that no one else has said the same " much love

Hardtwistmusic- I discovered the 'third eye' concept from one of Katy Perry's songs...that was literally it and then I looked at my lyrics and went "hey! 'third eye' sounds way better than 'your eyes'" so I changed it, and then afterwards I googled what it meant and it's the eye of insight or something so it kind of works. I'm sorry to disappoint you with no amazing story

[Kevin j]

i think these are great lyrics!  only thing i would change would be sociopath to psycopath as the second might be easier to sing, thats just how it sounds in my head
a well deserved nomination  

[beckylucythomas]

Great re-write! It was good before, but really well done for taking critiques and using them to help you make something excellent!

I have to say i really like the line "we graced a narrowing line" although i didn't really know why....but something drew me to it..... Maybe you could keep it for another song, where it's a bit clearer what you're saying with it?.....

[hardtwistmusic]

I have to say i really like the line "we graced a narrowing line" although i didn't really know why.

I too liked that line a lot.  I too had only a vague idea of what it meant.  For me, that's a positive.  It allows it to mean whatever I think it should mean. 

The mental picture I drew was of a long airport runway narrowing to zero on take-off.  That mental picture enhanced the song, and so what if I'm wrong about what Jess meant?   

I don't think being vague is necessarily bad.... not necessarily good either.  It's contextual. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.  Sometimes you hit, sometimes you miss.  It's the life of a lyric writer.  :O)

[Stylus]

   I'm votin' this : Song of the month !

           wot?  It will be a song  by the time  our kid finishes editin it !  he,he,he  Gr8 Work Jess

                                                         U gotz talent    STYLUS 

[Jess]

Ahh I'm so happy you're liking the edits!

Kevin- thank you! The word sociopathic sounds so weird when you read it, and even when I was writing it is as thinking if it would work or not, but I like how it sounds with my melody

Caco- thank you! I'm glad I've got so many good comments to improve with, people have been so helpful so I guess you're all half to thank for the song I never really saw  anything in that line but now two people have mentioned it I think I might be recycling it...

Hardtwistmusic- I'll definitely be using that line for another song then! To be honest it had nothing to do so the context, I'm glad I took it out for this song because it was too vague, but it'll go into my notebook of possible lines for the future.

Stylus-  BUT WHERE WAS MY HUG!? Come back and give me some HUG'ZZZZZZ!

[Stylus]

Hug'zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz




                               &                                       Hug'zzz      STYLUS