[Jess]

Ive made some changes to the song now, the pre chorus has been replaced, verses one, three and four have been altered and chorus has been extended to reflect how it sounds to melody (I'm pretty pleased with my melody So now I present to you, the edited version of Trouble in Paradise, I hope it has been edited for the better...I'm still a little unsure on 'my head was spinning like formula one' I'm trying to convey how fast and furious it was, but not sure how well executed that it.

Trouble In Paradise

(Verse 1)
They told me I should step away
From the check in desk cos there's a hurricane
But I chose my heart over my head- again

(Verse 2)
Showed your sociopathic ways
A colour wheel of fifty shades
Should've seen less literal signs when my flight was delayed

(Pre chorus)
But my head was spinning like formula one
I was Icarus flying too close to the sun
Never knew how much you'd become
Til it all went wrong

(Chorus)
You are t-t-trouble in paradise
I hold on but I-I-I don't know why
You are t-t-trouble in paradise
I can see a storm brewing in your third eye
You are trouble in paradise
(You are t-t-trouble in paradise)
(You are t-t-trouble in paradise)
(You are t-t-trouble in paradise)
(You are trouble)

(Verse 3)
I was stuck in economy
But first class is where you saved my seat
The plane hit turbulence thought we were just unlucky

(Verse 4)
Saw your love for authority
Spiral out of my ability
Wondering why my arm rests were the only ones to hold me

(Pre chorus)
But my head was spinning like formula one
I was Icarus flying to close to the sun
Never knew how much you'd become
Til it all went wrong

(Chorus)
You are t-t-trouble in paradise
I hold on but I-I-I don't know why
You are t-t-trouble in paradise
I can see a storm brewing in your third eye
You are trouble in paradise
(You are t-t-trouble in paradise)
(You are t-t-trouble in paradise)
(You are t-t-trouble in paradise)
(You are trouble)

(Bridge)
Hit the runway
Wanted to runaway
In hindsight
Wouldn't board that flight

(Chorus)
You are t-t-trouble in paradise
I hold on but I-I-I don't know why
You are t-t-trouble in paradise
I can see a storm brewing in your third eye
You are trouble in paradise
(You are t-t-trouble in paradise)
(You are t-t-trouble in paradise)
(You are t-t-trouble in paradise)
(You are trouble)

[hardtwistmusic]

Very nice.  TOOOOOOO nice.   You are right.  You need to let go and show some of the anger.  This is only communicating "regret" without anger.  But it's obvious you feel some anger (in the lyrics) too. 

Sooooo.... either strongly IMPLY the anger and create tension between the unexpressed anger and the lyric.

OR   express the anger. 

My usual method is to find a mildly humourous (and thus deniable) way to express the anger. 

Angry songs create emotion.  Regret is just too unemotional. 

Just one person's opinion.

VERY WELL EXPRESSED REGRET for what that's worth.

[PeeJay]

Hi Jess,

This is another good ‘un. Portrays your situation well.

I wasn’t sure about those long lines at the end of verses 2 and 4 when I read it but you say they fit so that’s okay.

I liked the first verse in particular:

‘They told me I should stay away
Abandon ship cos there's a hurricane
But I chose my heart over my head again.

Sets it up nicely.

Phil.

[jameba]

heeyy jess, good to see you posting again

like the idea behind this, the subject is different.
a good write, different layout which has been said but as long as you know there gna fit with what you do with it.

love the trouble in paradise bit

James

[Jess]

Aww I'm really grateful that people still know who I am after I've been away so long! I love yous!

Hardtwistmusic- I've got a couple of songs going on the same subject, I wrote this one and then after your comments I wrote some angry ones- I've realised that sometimes I need to write for myself instead of saying what other people want to hear, so I'll probably never post those (but they were a great release you gave some very good advice thank you

PeeJay- thank you! I worked out the chords for my melody this morning and recorded my very first draft. I've changed quite a few parts and lines to make them fit, but I'm glad you liked.

Jameba- thank you! And heeyy to you too I do think some of the lines are a little awkward to read- I even felt that when I was writing it- but you'll be singing along in no time

[BooBoo]

Another greasy song Jess. The chorus is great, reminds me of I Knew You Were Trouble by Taylor Swift. The verses are really good  especially the first one! Nice you see you back.  Love it!

[adamholden]

Hi Jess

Lots that's really good here. A few of the lines need reworking to make them fit better (or at least on the page). The first verse is strong. See if you can keep that concision as you go on.

Also if you want to increase the anger (ramp up the rage) there's nothing like pointing the finger. So how about "You, you're the trouble in paradise" ... Might not work with the music and the original idea is good. But see if it works.

The flight/journey/holiday thing is great. Could you bring it into focus a little more? V 2 and 3 bring in the airport/plane thing, but it's not so clear in V1 or V4 where you are or are headed. You could try writing some extra verses that link in to the paradise location and then see.

It might be that you're done with this. So fine, move on. But if you can bear it there's lots to develop that's excellent.

Best wishes
Adam
 

[Thomas Frederick]

I adoooooore the plane-journey metaphor, if you could play on that a little more this would be perfect!

And, would love this to be grittier and more angry definitely... it's verging on wishy-washy right now (though it's still great) and it needs a bit more... punch?

Either way, very impressive "return" to song writing!
Look forward to more x

[hardtwistmusic]

Here is another "PLANE/JOURNEY" SONG THAT I SUSPECT YOU'LL LIKE. 

https://myspace.com/sarahangelamusic/music/songs

[benjo]

a little confusing for me this, you say this is a friend but mention romantic gestures in V3
and I didn't get the pre chorus at all,
some of the lines look very clumsy and long,
but I suppose if they go with your music and fit then is fine

however I loved the bridge, and the chorus
you mention yourself your not quite happy with it yet
just keep tinkering and it will get there

 
(Verse 3)
I was stuck in economy
But first class is where you saved my seat
These romantic gestures were controlling tendencies

 

[Sing4me88]

Very clever concept. Tbh when I seen the title I kinda thought it was a Pop love song but I think this concept is really outside the box. Loving the chorus, I ca really see how the t-t-trouble and I-I-I will give it a real hook and Pop feel. The verses are quite heavy but really good. Some cracking lines in them especially verse 3. Glad you got a melody to this one, hoping you put a few chords together for it so we can 'hear' it soon!

[Peppermint]

Nice lyrics Jess,

Really liked this in verse 2....

Showed your sociopathic ways
A colour wheel of fifty shades

Nice chorus too. 

Peppermint

[Jess]

Wow so many comments! Thank you

BooBoo- the first recording I did sounded like SUCH a Taylor swift con! Luckily, now I've managed to make the songs sound different, it still has a hint of swift but I hope I can get away with it

Adamholden- that really good advice about the imagery. I get how verse one is a boat then verse two is a plane and it's like "please make up your mind with what transport you're using". About the structure though, the third lines need to be longer because it is 8 beats long (whereas  lines 1 and 2 are 4 beats long each). I get it looks messy but it sounds okay.

Ipad trainload (ha! your autocorrected name...)- thank you! I'm struggling to convey anger. I have to be in the moment angry and whenever I songwrite it's always after the feelings have gone. I've used lots of minor chords in my melody though, so that with a little lyrical reworking, just darken the mood.

Benjo- the pre chorus has been totally re written (I just don't know if I'm allowed to change anything now that I've been nominated for lyric of the month...((HOW!?)) I think a lot of the song is down to personal interpretations. 'These romantic gestures' implying that upgrading someone's seat on a plane is a nice thing to do, but doing it so you can be next to them is controlling.

Sing4me88- thank you! Day made. First and second recordings done, just need to make final improvements people have suggested and umm possibly post it...

Peppermint- thank you! I reached another milestone when I managed to put 'sociopathic' in a song...my word choices get more elaborate each time.

[digger72]

Hi Jess,

Interesting write. I like the way the narrative jumps around. Emotions aren't always linear. The overall impact of the lyrics is that gushing out of how you feel. I'd be totally honest in what you want to write. Nothing wrong with words of bitterness or anger. And you don't even need to use foul language I'm thinking Alanis Morissette - You Oughta Know. Okay, she may use a little here and there.

Look forward to hearing it.

Digger

[Olie]

Trouble In Paradise

(Verse 1)
They told me I should stay away (i would change this line so it weaves in with the next one better)
Abandon ship cos there's a hurricane
But I chose my heart over my head- again (I find this line extremely cliche - that's more personal preference though)

(Verse 2)
Showed your sociopathic ways (sociopathic sounds too direct of a word in this context)
A colour wheel of fifty shades
Should've seen less literal signs when my flight was delayed (don't get these 2 lines at all but that's probably just me, pretty sleep deprived at the moment.)

(Pre chorus)
We graced a narrowing line
I wasn't there by invitation
Was the anger in your eyes
That led to my manipulation (how can his anger lead to your manipulation? Because he scared you? anger and your lies?)

(Chorus)
You are t-t-trouble in paradise
I hold on but I-I-I don't know why
You are t-t-trouble in paradise
I can see a storm brewing in your third eye (Not sure i get the third eye reference, isn't that hidden/related to spirituality rather than emotions? Just feels "off")
You are trouble in paradise
(You are t-t-trouble in paradise)
(You are t-t-trouble in paradise)

(Verse 3)
I was stuck in economy
But first class is where you saved my seat
These romantic gestures were controlling tendencies
(felt like something should have came after that line)

(Verse 4)
Saw your love for authority
Spiral out of my ability (Spiral out and ability don't seem to fit together in my head just sounds odd)
Tiptoeing round your shadow scared the floorboards (they) couldn't hold me

(Pre chorus)
We graced a narrowing line
I wasn't there by invitation
Was the anger in your eyes
That led to my manipulation

(Chorus)
You are t-t-trouble in paradise
I hold on but I-I-I don't know why
You are t-t-trouble in paradise
I can see a storm brewing in your third eye
You are trouble in paradise
(You are t-t-trouble in paradise)
(You are t-t-trouble in paradise)

(Bridge)
(Almost) Hit the runway
Wanted to runaway
In hindsight
(i) Wouldn't board that flight

(Chorus)
You are t-t-trouble in paradise
I hold on but I-I-I don't know why
You are t-t-trouble in paradise
I can see a storm brewing in your third eye
You are trouble in paradise
(You are t-t-trouble in paradise)
(You are t-t-trouble in paradise)
(You are t-t-trouble in paradise)
(You are t-t-trouble in paradise)

This is just a rappers perspective. I'm picking some words that stick out for me as being misplaced or could be changed for clearer meaning. A couple places you missed words like "i" but I'm guessing that's for rhythm.

Pretty good overall,
Peace.