[BooBoo]

This is a lot different to what I normally wrote about so I'm not sure what to think of it. I got the idea when I was set a piece of homework to write a poem with certain words. The words I got were to do with racism so I then I got the idea to write this. Please tell me why you think.

Verse
Quiet perfect life,
Up on the mountain side,
A daughter and a wife,
Nothing black just white,
Church on a Sunday,
With god is your faith,
On your knees you pray,
To keep the coloured away,

Chorus
Hand in hand children run,
But in your land you'll raise your gun,
To protect yourself and troubles to come,
Yet you're the one making a fuss,

Verse
You spit on the floor in disgust,
Despising the colour of mud,
In your head it's a must,
For 'them' to leave your neighbourhood,
You believe God doesn't love everyone,
So why would he love you,
Small, weak, close minded,
With no real values

Chorus
Hand in hand children run,
But in your land you'll raise your gun,
To protect yourself and troubles to come,
Yet you're the one making a fuss,

Bridge
You want to start a fight,
Thinking that you're right,
When will you realise,
Beauty is black and white

Chorus
Hand in hand children run,
But in your land you'll raise your gun,
To protect yourself and troubles to come,
Yet you're the one making a fuss,

[benjo]

hey,

a difficult write hard topic to tackle and it will always raise eyebrows

some of the lines in the verses were a little weak for me
but I did like the bridge if It hadn't been for that I would have struggled with it

          nice flow though

                             tony.

[GTB]

Great sentiment BooBoo, it's very close to being a great song but it feels a little direct in the chorus.  Both verses are very strong but I struggle with the last line of the chorus not rhyming.  That's not necessarily a bad thing, depends on the tune in your head :-)
GTB

[jameba]

hey boo, I love the subject, its a different write for you, but its not bad at all, Its always good to try something different, and you've done well,agree with gtb about chorus but I know ive done it before and it suited the beat in my head. anyway good song never the less, gtta be brave in a way to write about race

James:)

[PeeJay]

Hi BooBoo,

I think it’s difficult to get these subjects right without either sounding preachy.

The bridge seemed more like it should be the chorus to me.

I would maybe take the second half of verse 2 and make it the bridge and put the bridge where those four lines were with maybe some changes for the rhyme. Makes it sound like a building project!

Nice one,

Phil.

[hardtwistmusic]

This is a lot different to what I normally wrote about so I'm not sure what to think of it. I got the idea when I was set a piece of homework to write a poem with certain words. The words I got were to do with racism so I then I got the idea to write this. Please tell me why you think.

Verse
Quiet perfect life,
Up on the mountain side,
A daughter and a wife,
Nothing black just white,
Church on a Sunday,
With god is your faith,
On your knees you pray,
To keep the coloured away,

Chorus
Hand in hand children run,
But in your land you'll raise your gun,
To protect yourself and troubles to come,
Yet you're the one making a fuss,

Verse
You spit on the floor in disgust,
Despising the colour of mud,
In your head it's a must,
For 'them' to leave your neighbourhood,
You believe God doesn't love everyone,
So why would he love you,
Small, weak, close minded,
With no real values

Chorus
Hand in hand children run,
But in your land you'll raise your gun,
To protect yourself and troubles to come,
Yet you're the one making a fuss,

Bridge
You want to start a fight,
Thinking that you're right,
When will you realise,
Beauty is black and white

Chorus
Hand in hand children run,
But in your land you'll raise your gun,
To protect yourself and troubles to come,
Yet you're the one making a fuss,

I've read this multiple times.  Just now figured out why it kept hitting me wrong. 



"Quiet perfect life,
Up on the mountain side,
A daughter and a wife,
Nothing black just white,
Church on a Sunday,
With god is your faith,
On your knees you pray,
To keep the coloured away,"

The first line fails to ring true to me..... and I can't really find any sarcasm or ironic reverse psychology to it.

I grew up really rural, and knew people who HAD TO live way outside of town.  HAD TO.  The reason they "had to" is because they could not live within the boundaries of civilization where there were neighbors, police, and other "interfering others." 

In most cases, there were only two kinds of people who "opted out of the proximity of others" and "moved further up the mountains." 

There were the people coming from the larger towns to live "like the Waltons".  They didn't stay long.

And there were those who couldn't stand the boundaries that go along with living with and around others.  They couldn't STAND scrutiny of their lives because their lives were NOT what they advertised.  For that group, if they couldn't express their violent anger in ways that felt satisfying to them they would explode.  Moving "further up the mountain" is an escape from reality. 

Point of all this being that they do NOT live "quiet perfect lives" up on that mountain side.  And those who you are describing (who cannot bear to live near anyone different from themselves) are the epitome of those who "move further up the mountain" to avoid boundaries and expectations. Their lives are to "imperfect" to allow scrutiny. 

Not that it isn't a good lyric.  For most people, I suspect it rings true.  For me, I've just seen this kind of behavior too often and at too close range for me to feel that it's real enough.

After those first two lines, I think it's a real good lyric.

Hope I didn't sound preachy. 

[E50 Productions]

Hey BooBoo - i really like this - extremely hard subject to write about without not getting some one off side. I like to write songs that allow people to interpert the meaning for themsleves - it says what you want it to say - i like the first verse - to me thats the percieved perfect life of a white family - and the view all black people are evil - which was a common belief for alot pre WW2 - thats how life was - thankfully for all it has changed alot since then and with time gets better - racism is something i cant stand.

The second verse - last line "with no real values" doesnt really flow like the first verse - maybe that could be "our lives divided" or "Values left divided -  (last two lines in first verse ryhme - so trying to match them up for the melody makers!!).

Amazing effort - Ant.....

[Jess]

Right, I'm on a super lyric review! And this was the one I wanted to read first because umm...I'm your biggest fan
I adore the title, it really drew me in, despite it being about something different to what I thought it would be (I thought it would be like a deep self esteem song). It's definitely an original and unique write, a very hard topic to crack and I think it's almost there. I love the chorus (especially the first two lines) and the bridge really stood out for me. There are some fabulous lines in the verses, I think some lines could be condensed to help it flow better (just a couple words in verse 2 sound a little awkward) but I'm sure when you start playing guitar (excited face!) you'll find a melody that will determine the flow and which words aren't necessary.
I haven't read everyone's comments, but there seems to be a lot here! I'd say just read through their comments as they seem to be giving some good advice. Although to be honest I really thought this hit home with its honesty, so I liked it

[BooBoo]

Thank you for reviewing

Benjo - thanks for your honesty. Which lines did you think were weak?? I'm glad you like the bridge though!

GTB - thank you so much.

Jameba -  I'm glad you seem to like it!

Peejay - hmm I'll see what I think I that. Thanks for the advice!

HTM -  hmm it's interesting to learn that. I never knew that about people living up the moutainside. Anyway after the first two lines il glad you liked the lyrics.

E50 Productions - thanks for the comment. I'll have a think of slightly changing the second verse to make it flow better.

Jess - woo I have a fan! Which words in verse 2 did you think were awkward?? Thank you for commenting thiugh!

[Scarriff]

I agree with a lot what has been said, this song has strong points and not so strong points, I'd have to say for the most part it is a well written song, a few of the lines really hit home well... my favorite being “in your land you'll raise your gun”, I love the simplicity of this line yet it still sends a heavy message, as is true for a lot of other things you covered...

I like the song, but more importantly I admire anyone who has the nerve to tackle a controversial topic, especially one as big as this... not a lot of people have the guts to write about sensitive themes such as race and religion let alone sharing it with people and I admire you for that.

Based on that I think you did an amazing job, this song is heavy, controversial and beautiful... just the way I like lyrics to be 

[BooBoo]

Scarriff - wow thank you so much for that. I'm glad you like it!

[Peppermint]

Hey BooBoo,

Not sure about the first verse in this one,
The second verse, Bridge and chorus is good though.

Peppermint 

[BooBoo]

Peppermint - thanks for your comments. What do you think I could do with the first verse to make it stronger?

[Nellie]

I absolutely liked it! It's a tough subject to write about of course, but I think you've done a great job!  Yay!!