[Jamie]

Hello all,
              I've been playing around with this for a few months and can't make up my mind what to do with it. I've done loads of versions but not happy with any of them. It's my attempt at a 'standard' ballad.Any thoughts?

An everyday story about obsessive dependency in a one sided relationship

Cheers
Jamie

https://soundcloud.com/jamie1802/sinking

Sinking

You can count on me to get it wrong
I always speak before I think
The problem is I think
everyone thinks like me

I spend my life thinking about
the things I've said
Thinking about the things I've done
I wear my feelings like a badge
and makes me realise I'm not over you

Chorus
I making a movie about the film you're making
I'm writing a song about the song you're singing
thinking about the thought you're thinking
waiting for life to get better while I'm sinking

I need you to want me for what I am
remember why you wanted me?
I hang like a trophy on the wall
Hanging by a thread just waiting to fall

Chorus

You can count on me to get it wrong
I always speak before I think
I hang like a trophy on the wall
Hanging by a thread just waiting to fall

[nooms]

knocked out with your vocal , really good
and i bet you secretly want to be the drummer at the palladium as well..
i recognise that feeling, the power of a drum break, the drama..
think you can afford to simplify the drum breaks cos the drama and passion is all in your voice, in spades...
song starts to get a little cumbersome as you return to drawing the syllables out — i think you could use that ideae more sparingly, makes the track sound longer than it is..
but i can hear what your going for and youve got the voice to achieve it.
i like the ‘thinking’ thing ..
thought it took too long to get to the chorus..and it gets a little confusing in the middle ..
im not meaning any disrespect..
reminds of jeff lynn a little..probably the rollling piano which is another plus..
good luck with this its got great potential..

[Jamie]

Hi Nooms,
                Thanks for the feedback! Your comments are fair, but I feel there is something there but just can't quite get it polished, glad you liked it. Love the drummer comment

'and i bet you secretly want to be the drummer at the palladium as well.. ' LOL

Really glad you liked the vocal, it is a very vocally exposed song, if you mess it up it shouts at you. Pleased about the comment on the drama, sometimes you get sucked into singing it right and forget the performance (at least I do). I'll stick with it!

Cheers
Jamie

[S.T.C]

The drums really need to sit back more,,you can go down 2 roads with this, i would go the subtle route.

[hardtwistmusic]

I think this is beautiful instrumental music. 

I think this is a beautiful, deep, and meaningful lyric. 

I'm blown away by the quality of your vocals.

And I think the chorus is absolutely perfect. 

But, to my ear, the verses and the beautiful beautiful music don't seem to belong together.  On the verses, there is a disconnect between the music and the instrumental. 

Now, interestingly enough, the disconnect goes away quickly so that by the end of the song, they don't sound disconnected.  But (and this is an interesting "but") it's easy to underestimate how powerful a first impression is, and how important it is to a song. 

Anyway, it's my opinion that the prosody in the verse is not as perfect as the prosody in the chorus.

[terrysains]

Good lyrics. Terry.

[hardtwistmusic]

Had  a second listen this morning.  This time without reading the lyrics as I listened.  The prosody "problem" with the verse simply not there. 

I suspect that it means one of two things. 

1.  There is no prosody problem and I was just expecting something different with how you would fit the lyrics to the music than what I did.

2.  If there is a prosody problem, it disappears with a very minimal amount of familiarity.  VERY minimal amount of familiarity.  Therefore not a problem. 

I take back my criticism and roundly endorse the song as complete and listenable as it is.

[Jamie]

Hi all,
          Thanks for the feedback it's much appreciated.
STC you should have heard some of the other versions if you think the drums are OTT .I think a more natural treatment is the right way to go. On other versions I had a full orchestral treatment

Thanks Terry, I find lyrics hard work, so pleased with your comment.

Hi Hardtwistmusic, I had to look up prosody, so I've learned something from your post . Glad you liked the composition and the lyrics. I was moderately pleased with them when I wrote them as lyrics don't come naturally to me.

Thanks again.
Cheers
Jamie

[habiTat]

This is good, like Nooms said, great vocal and I really like the lyrics too. I always tend to lean on the side of simplicity, so I'd be inclined to not over-complicate it.

Good stuff.

[Jamie]

Thanks Habitat, appreciate the feedback. The vote from the  'Songwriters forum' jury seems to be 'keep it simple'. Glad you liked it. Back to the drawing board, but perhaps not for a major make over, just a bit of tinkering!
Thanks again
Cheers

jamie

[E50 Productions]

Jamie, first of all well done, I couldn't write a ballad to save myself!

The first verse, pull that apart and put it back together, the word think is over used, the first verse is what draws people in. I liked the second verse and chorus. It needs to be either a story or a description of emotion.

Song structure, listen to Phil Collins greatest hits or genesis, when I first heard this song I thought Phil Collins could make this work. Study what instruments they use and when they bring them in, the intro needs to be a bit more dramatic, a guy is getting his heart trampled on so it needs some appeal, maybe less is more in this department.

I think your close to having something really good IMO.

Good luck !! Ant

[Jamie]

Hi Ant,
           Thanks for the feedback it's appreciated. I too thought of Phil Collins once I'd listened to it a few times. Early versions were more orchestrated, like a big production for a solo singer. More recent versions were pared back and the 'big' drum break was there to give more emotion (like some of Phil Collins' big breaks). Good advice thanks I will persevere with this one after much doubt! I will re-visit the lyrics. The song is a little too long so I need to find a way to address that too.
 
Cheers
Jamie

[beckylucythomas]

Love your chorus in this - i think everything comes together so beautifully in the chorus - spot on vocal (Phil Collins is a good call - was trying to put my finger on it and i couldn't) & BVs, great lyric, GREAT drums in my opinion, fantastic bashing of the cymbals!!! You need to watch your timings a bit on the vocals tracks... You're getting a bit of "the problem is i think-k" etc....but maybe you're gonna tidy that up with post-production?... Anyway, if this a WIP then the finished article has gotta be pretty awesome 

[montydog]

Great vocals and piano but for me it's too long and the vocals don't keep my attention despite their excellence. Maybe the melody needs more rise and fall or maybe break the song into sections. Just a bit too one level for me but there's enough there to work at I think.

[Jamie]

Hi guys thanks for the feedback it's appreciated as always

Hi Caco,
             Yes you are correct the vocal needs to be tidied up a bit, but it takes so long to do it manually I don't bother until I know how I want the song to sound and that I'm sure it's worth working on in more detail . Glad you also thought Mr Collins was a good call, I thought so after I'd listened to it a hundred times! Thanks again

Hi MD,
          I think the song is too long and I think the lyrics could be tidied up, but glad you liked the piano and the vocal, I thought it might be worth working on, but now I have some better ideas .
Cheers

Jamie