In the Eye of A Lens - What do you think?

  • 3 Replies
  • 1159 Views

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

PointZero

  • *
  • Busker
  • *
  • Posts: 16
« on: February 06, 2011, 12:52:45 AM »
(Chorus)
Will you, will you, come with me?
I'm going to our spot,
beside our destiny.
There's a mountaintop,
covered with stars.
We want to go out,
and we want to go far.

(Verse 2)
Alone with ourselves,
our lives were in seams.
Left to dust on shelves,
we wasted away our dreams.
They're burning us down,
but at least we're going out smiling.

(Verse 3)
I don't know if we're meant,
to be so in love.
But I guess we will find,
if we were misunderstood.
You can listen to my voice,
or follow my lead.
Will you, will you,
take my hand?

(Bridge)
We busted our guts,
we drained out our eyes.
We raised our flags,
and shouted war cries.

(Verse 4)
"Was it for you?"
I think that's what I said.
Was it for the place,
where I wished we'd be wed?
Someday we'll know,
when we're both long gone.
In the back of my mind,
it'll be before dawn.

(Bridge 2)
Together we run.

Together we run.

Together we run.

(Chorus)
Will you, will you, come with me?
I'm going to our spot,
beside our destiny.
There's a mountaintop,
covered with stars.
We want to go out,
and we want to go far.
« Last Edit: February 06, 2011, 03:40:53 AM by PointZero »

Soul Punk

  • *
  • Solo Gig
  • ***
  • Posts: 360
  • Wild hearts... Blue jeans and white T-Shirts
« Reply #1 on: February 06, 2011, 12:59:31 AM »
I really enjoyed this Zero :)

Its simple and I like how... deliberatley or not, It uncomplicates love without dripping of cheese :)
however the together we run bridge kinda seems to ruin this effect a wee bit?

A line I really liked was

''Left to dust on shelves,
we wasted away our dreams.
They're burning us down,''


Its also nice to read something I couldn't write myself really broadens the old horizon as in lyrical styles
you should check out my work :)

Overall.... Nice love song I enjoyed reading

Wild hearts... Blue jeans and white T-Shirts

PointZero

  • *
  • Busker
  • *
  • Posts: 16
« Reply #2 on: February 06, 2011, 01:14:54 AM »
Hey, thanks for the criticism. :) And I will definitely check out your stuff! Thanks :)

tone

  • *
  • Administrator
  • Stadium Tour
  • *****
  • Forum Former Führer
  • Posts: 3551
  • The People's Democratic Republic of Songwriting
    • Anthony Lane on soundcloud
« Reply #3 on: February 06, 2011, 10:53:34 AM »
Hey P/Z

Again, I very much enjoyed reading your lyric. I thought it was very human and sincere, and managed to take on love without sounding like every other lyric going, which is no mean feat. Good structure and rhythm, and some really nice lines in there. I particularly like the bridge. Good work :)
New EP: Straitjacket - Listen here

1st track from my upcoming album -- Click to listen -- Thanks!

Please read the rules before posting in the feedback forums http://bit.l