[Jane99]

Hey guys
I've never been that personal to a song before. this song is for my first big crush. so here it is;)

You look at me I look away
trying to hide what i feel
but when you smile at me
I loose it all and loose myself in a daydream
where we're holding hands and you hold me tight
you're lips on mine
oho i close my eyes and
wish you would be mine

when you talk to me
i can't listen to a word you say
'cause i get lost in your brown eyes
and then
I loose it all and loose myself in a daydream
where we're holding hands and you hold me tight
you're lips on mine
oho i close my eyes and
wish you would be mine

(bridge) you seem to be so strong and
I'm dying to tell you what i feel for you
to teel you then whenever i see you
I loose myself in a daydream
where we're holding hands and you hold me tight
you're lips on mine
oho i close my eyes and
wish you would be mine
oho Bela, I wish you would be mine

[diademgrove]

I liked that. A very good song. Have you any music to it?

diadem

[S.T.C]

If i recall , your 14 and from Germany ?

Anyway it`s a subject that you've experienced ,so you have a subject to write about....

it could be structured differently making shorter verses,,and a standout chorus ///

But a nice piece of writing all the same.

[benjo]

hey,

nice writing, I agree with STC, and yes would be nice to hear music
well done,   
                       tony...

[Allan]

Very nicely done, I'm sure that we can all empathise with you on this one, also with such strong emotions I definitely think that you should bite the bullet and let them know.
Al

[Saeed AlSuri]

Very Nice I Like it ..

keep it up .. good work ..

Cheers ..

[Nellie]

HIII Jane! First of all, I think it's great that you wrote a song that's personal to you! Enjoyed reading it as well, I like it!

[Jess]

I can see the hook in there, the last few lines of the verses, maybe if you dropped it down a line, the chorus would be more clear. I think it's really good that you're writing about something personal to you, they definitely make the strongest most emotive lyrics, so well done

[hardtwistmusic]

Hey guys
I've never been that personal to a song before. this song is for my first big crush. so here it is;)

You look at me I look away
trying to hide what i feel
but when you smile at me
I loose it all and loose myself in a daydream
where we're holding hands and you hold me tight
you're lips on mine
oho i close my eyes and
wish you would be mine

when you talk to me
i can't listen to a word you say
'cause i get lost in your brown eyes
and then
I loose it all and loose myself in a daydream
where we're holding hands and you hold me tight
you're lips on mine
oho i close my eyes and
wish you would be mine

(bridge) you seem to be so strong and
I'm dying to tell you what i feel for you
to teel you then whenever i see you
I loose myself in a daydream
where we're holding hands and you hold me tight
you're lips on mine
oho i close my eyes and
wish you would be mine
oho Bela, I wish you would be mine

This lyric will be dependent upon the music that it ends up being coupled with.  Great music can make it a great lyric.  There are strong points that stand by themselves - the first four lines in each verse for instance. 

But the conclusions of each verse will (imo) be dependent upon finding just the right music for them.  It's not that they aren't strong, but that they fill in details necessary to the story, without being (in themselves) compelling as the rest. 

I think this has tremendous potential.