[Bernd]

This is written to match music. I couldn't find anything in the music that sounds like a chorus to me. There is a melodic intro, two parts that are supposed to be screamed or growled, and an outro. It's definitely unknown territory to me. PART I matches the tune quite well, PART II and III are less strictly defined and may (have to) be rewritten:

PART 1:

she holds her child
in her arms
with shaky voice sings her a lullaby

gentle sounds
gentle words
trying not to make her baby cry

singing to
numb her mind
trying not to think about what is lost

it's no use
there's not past
now the border has been crossed

she's made it
she's safe now
for what's it
worth

she's made it
she's safe now
she and her
baby girl

among
strangers
under
foreign stars

PART II:

death in the country
fights in the street
bombs on her home
shells in her sleep

dead eyes of her son
lookin' into the void
when the land of his fathers
was being destroyed

was being destroyed

her homeland
being destroyed

PART II/2:

she managed to flee
the trail of devastation
in desperate search
for a friendly nation

unwanted wherever
she could possibly go
no place in the world
no hint of hope

no hint of hope

living
away from home

PART III:

under hostile stars

escaped to live
under hostile stars

under hostile stars


she's survived
where others died
persevered
where others failed
she escaped


escaped to live
under hostile stars

under hostile stars

[Allan]

I really like your lyrics and the emotions that they aroused as the story unfolded, It flowed well in my mind but without hearing the associated music its hard to see where exactly the difficulties are, however I'm sure that you will iron them out.
al

[benjo]

hey,

some nice lines here and good feeling of something
but to be honest, I don' no what or where it was going
I got a little lost,  but I do think it could be very good

   tony...

[Saeed AlSuri]

Hello Bernd ..

Great writing .. very direct images .. to what happened and many countries since 9 11 ..

and what you said in these line are true ..

unwanted wherever
she could possibly go
no place in the world
no hint of hope

very well done Bernd ..

Cheers ..

[Bernd]

If the message comes across that's half the battle :-)

In a phone call with the composer we decided to have a melodic part at the end of the song as well so the harsh middle part will be sort of enframed. I will sugest to simply repeat the two first text blocks:

she holds her child
in her arms
with shaky voice sings her a lullaby

gentle sounds
gentle words
trying not to make her baby cry

I also corrected and strengthened a few other lines:

take a breath
forget the past [there was a 'typo' anyway]
now the border has been crossed

... and

scorched, bombed, destroyed [adding a little 'meat' to the rather abstract word 'destroyed'].

There is a good chance that the song will appear on the second album by Hot Mama.

Thank you for your comments!

Bernd

[hardtwistmusic]

Very powerful.  I'm not sure exactly what it's about, but I get a general idea of escaping to freedom.  And I know that the woman who the song is about had a son who died. 

As I said it's very powerful.  I'd like just a few more hints within the lyric so that I can construct a more complete story in my mind. 

I don't want to be "told the answer".... just a few more hints.

[PeeJay]

Hi Bernd,

This is a different format as you said but i found the story easy to follow.

Don't know if you meant to say hostile stars instead of 'foreign' at the end of part 1.

It seems like something out of a larger piece to me. A good read all the same.

Phil.

[seriousfun]

It reads very well. Nice touching story though for the last two verses it seemed a little repetitious in its message like you were saying the same thing in different words. Nice words though mind you.  If you are looking for a place to improve what you have then that is were I would concentrate my efforts if I was you.

Well told and touching.

Allan.

[Bernd]

Thank you all for your comments and suggestions!

I had already replaced the word "foreign" with "hostile" to put more weight on the title (thank you, Phil, for pointing that out). Adopting other suggestions I also replaced the two "gentle"s with "soothing" and "whispered".

Allen, you might be referring to the first version when you state that I'm "saying the same thing in different words". We (the composer and me) had already changed the song's structure so we're now simply repeating the very first part - and with the very same words. I believe that this 'framing' rounds out the song nicely. It gives it a more recognizable structure. And although it was not my idea I feel more comfortable with it (I'm old and conservative, you see).

Thanks again!

Bernd