[Allan]

Hello, I'm knew to receiving feedback on my song lyrics and a bit nervous as to what people are going to think. I mostly write about the love I have for my wife and this song is all about that.

I'd give the stars and the moon in a heartbeat
if only they were mine to give
and I would make it rain upon your garden of roses
if my tears were all it would take
I'd give you the food from my mouth and the clothes from my back
and my shoes, just to keep you safe and warm
and then I'd carry you home to your garden of roses
when your legs are to weary to walk
for my love it knows no limit
and there's a strength in my heart pumping blood drenched desire through my veins
when my eyes behold your beauty
a lustful fire starts and my body feels like it's bursting into flames.
I'd sooner risk bearing the scars of a failed adventure than to never have tried at all
my hands can build or nurture
rest your burdens on my shoulders
and my fists, they will fight for you at war.
When you leave the room my emotions feel deflated
I can't hardly breathe, and each breath I draw is bated
I cant explain why I need you so badly
without you I feel pain
your lure to me is deadly.

[Mr.Chainsaw]

Hey Allan, welcome to the forum!

We're all new to getting feed back when we join, and it can be quite nerve wracking. It's like Dragons Den, only with songs.

And Dutchbeat doesn't hand you £10,000 to invest in it

Anyway, first up, loads of repect for posting something acapella! I would not be brave enough to put up a song without my guitar to hide behind!

Because there's no music, I couldn't get a feel fo any structure. There's no repetition so I couldn't discern if there were choruses, verses? The melody was also repetitive, so no clues there

Lots of grandios romantic gestures here (must have a happy wife indeed!). Particularly liked the part about hands and fists. You tap into some deep seated male relationship roles there. Good stuff

The emphasis you put on "feel pain" at the end was great! Feels like you'd loosend up only for the song to end?! Have some fun with your voice, it sounds great!

Peter

P.S. Little thing ... "I can't hardly breathe" should be "I can hardly breathe"

[Allan]

thank you for your welcome, and for taking the time to listen, I very much appreciate your input.
Al