1) I wish I had more time with you
I wish you have been mine for a longer time
I'm not sure how to feel about this line. On one hand, it
works, but on the other hand it
shouldn't: the repetition of 'time' in such a manner would usually stand out to the point where it detracts from the song's flow. Then again, there's not much else that you could put in its stead that would keep the rhyme scheme intact.
I´ll never see your face so near again
I´ll never hear your voice so clear again
you are gone tenthousand miles away
I really like this bit. If the reader did snag on the second 'time,' this would have lifted them off of it. It's really simplistic (to me, at least: I like my songs like I like my Shakespeare, drowned in metaphor) yet so well put-together.
if I had the chance I´d never let you go again
I which I could apologize what I have done
I which I could apologize my senseless run
Perhaps 'but my sense has gone?' would work better here? 'Senseless run' makes little sense, and once again may distract the reader from the overall lyrical quality.
Refrain: I tried so many times to explain
and all the time I was waiting in vain
It feels like a never ending shame
It feels like never ending rain
it feels like kissing with pain
Nothing much to say about the chorus, it does its job perfectly well
However, to my imagination, it would work better in singing if you take the 'a' in the third line out, so it reads: 'it feels like never ending shame.' Not only would that be easier on the tongue, but it's in keeping with two lines following it.
2) I wish I could see you again
and hold your hands for a while
and see your face so near again
and hear your voice so clear again
Well, again, no theory book ever would recommend three of the same word but, hey, it works here. I think the addition of the double rhyme aids it a little. I'd imagine that with good accompanying music no-one would even notice this.
I love you tenthousand times and many more
I love you as no broken heart can´t love you more
Now I imagine there's some soaring vocals going on here, following on from the heady emotion of the previous two lines. These lyrics feel designed to handle that sort of transition really well, and the raw passion contained within the words would certainly match it.
I never can apologize what I have done
I never can apologize my senseless run
I'd definitely consider revising the bit in bold.
3)I wish at least my memories could surwife
I know you was a blessing in disguise
I remember each minute we have had
I remember each word you have said
Nothing I can say here, other than perhaps remove the two 'haves' in the last two lines. I know your intention was to match the rhymes, but it's the same word, and taking it out would leave you with a proper couplet to tickle the listener's ear.
I will love you for a thousand years
I will love you till my life disappears
and at the end of time
I still hope you won´t my love decline
I still love you
I still love you ...
That third line could perhaps be altered to 'I still won't let my love decline.' My mind read the last two lines as akin to the last two lines of '1930' by Gaslight Anthem, with the same long, drawn-out, heartfelt anguish, but really they're flexible enough to be done any way you choose.
Overall a pretty tidy piece that needs nothing but reconsideration of a few syllables to be a very effective piece of music
