[Neil C]

Good intro, nice melody and interplay with the piano. Strings well arranged, Nicely produced too.
There were a couple of lines were you had a lot of words to fit in but I agree with James I think your voice has a nice tone to it, the more you practice the better and more confident you'll get.
Good tune.
 
Neil
 

[Ecoute]

Easy listening  There is something very appealing about this song - love the melody, piano and strings and what you have created here.  Vocal and lyrics are good too > but with a little more work on those - maybe you might consider having a professional come in on it, to advise on a little tidying up and dusting down if/where needed. Would love to hear it on radio one day. 

Re lyrics: "This ain't the path that I chose, I wanna walk in someone elses clothes"

Did you mean shoes instead of clothes?  Besides that, I think it's a great song and a song you want to listen to again. All the best!

[Kafla]

This is quite accomplished you know - its got an understated beauty 

The orchestral break is stunning - you know this song is quite big - I think it's terrific songwriting

It's a cracking arrangement 

[benjo]

hi yodasdad,


I love this piece so much I've listened and listened it really is beautiful
your vocal is perfect for this, and that piano WOW, and great melody too

my only problem is I think it's much to long and drawn out with the words
I think your words need to be cut right back, it really is a stunning song
I've done the lyrics how I think they should be cut back
now this is only an opinion, and where I believe this song tightened up would really work
please take this as a compliment because that is how I intend it to come across
you've really got something there and this is how much I loved it,
I don't suggest you keep any words i've added that's your choice
but I think this is how it could be cut back and re done tighter,  I loved it fantastic piece well done,



            I'M GONNA MAKE IT ON MY OWN
         ========== - - - - ==========



 I'm suddenly chasing anticipating my moves
 playing a game and haven't been given the rules
 my queens gone this games getting old
 and this ain't the deal I was sold

 while I've still got a breath
 I'll hold my head high and believe

 Searching around I can't find the right groove
 I'm looking for answers I Cant work out the clues
 I've tried like nobody knows
 and on my face are lines where it shows

 while I've still got a breath
 I'll hold my head high and believe

 I'm gonna make it on my own
 air may get thin and cold wind will chill to my bones
 I'm gonna make it on my own
 got the air that I breath and where I lay down is my home

 I'm walking the line paying my dues
 making my way in a world that's so cruel
 this ain't the path that I choose
 I wanna walk in someone else's shoes

 while I've still got a breath
 I'll hold my head high and achieve

 I'm gonna make it on my own
 air may get thin and cold wind will chill to my bones
 I'm gonna make it on my own
 got the air that I breath and where I lay down is my home
 
 I'm gonna make it on my own
 air may get thin and cold wind will chill to my bones
 I'm gonna make it on my own
 got the air that I breath and where I lay down is my home

 I'm gonna make it on my own
 air may get thin and cold wind will chill to my bones
 I'm gonna make it on my own
 got the air that I breath and where I lay down is my home

 got the air that I breath and where I lay down is my home

 got the air that I breath and where I lay down is my home...

[Yodasdad]

Just wanted to say thanks again for all the further comments since I last piped up. They're all appreciated and noted, both the positive and the constructive critique.

Benjo, I can't believe you took the time to rework the lyrics for me so thanks a lot. I like what you've done. One thing I would like to question though, and this comes from my perspective as someone who does not have much experience with lyrics, so not a criticism...

I notice that in your revised lyrics the rhyme structure changes between the first and second verses. From what I have read in the past this is considered a cardinal sin and a big no no. Just wondered what your thoughts, or anyone else's are who's reading this?

I've not really analysed many lyrics to see if others do it (maybe I should).

Benjo, Kafla, Ecoute, Neil C, James Nighthawk, Fischermans, Shinythang...the list go's on.............THANKYOU.

Yodasdad

[benjo]

hi yodasdad,

hopefully you'll give this a chance, you should get the same from these lyrics,
when I did this I did it whilst listening to your song and singing along to it

it has been tightened up a lot,  so you don't say a lot of words you don't need
in my opinion, in the original lyric there are words that seem to make your words lumber along

eg, this that and just if but,      these kind of words

if you try this and you really feel you have to have a certain word in there then put it in
but keep it as tight as you can, I hope you understand what i'm getting at
and if it does help in anyway i'm made up i'd love to hear you re record this
I do think you have got a great piece here I truly loved it and was inspired,

         please do not be offended this is something I really enjoyed and want it to do well
         if you don't agree and prefere your lyrics there's nothing lost just discard my change
         I wish you well with this it's really great,   let me know how you feel mate,

                                           tony...

[nooms]

enjoyed this immensely..
pianos lovely nice arrangmnt withthose strings really sweep in and lift it, great stuff

i think benjos comments are on the money.
words can change shape when you sing them over a track, when your read them off the page they might seem fine but given a melody line they can sound a little awkward, as a few of these do..sure you'll sort that..
important thing is that i can still hear the chorus and suspect i’ll be singing it in the morning,  cos the ’make it on my own’ is a universal sentiment that we all can relate to,
good stuff dadofyoda

[Jamie]

Most things have been said,my only comment is that for an early song this is very accomplished in most depts.keep up the work,you'll build on this good start and get better the more you write and record.

Cheers
Jamie