[Yodasdad]

Well I've actually done it

I've written 3 songs so far and put one up on soundcloud for someone, you, to hear.

https://soundcloud.com/my-idiom/im-gonna-make-it-on-my-own-1

I don't claim to be able to sing so be gentle..

I'd love any positive criticism at all at this stage, melody, harmony, structure, lyrics whatever. I have my own critiscisms so it would be interesting to know what others think.


V1
Suddenly chasing and anticipating my moves
Playing the game when I haven't been given the rules
My queens gone this games getting old,  this ain't the deal I was sold
But While I've still got a breath I'm gonna hold my head high and believe

Chorus
I'm gonna make it on my own
I don't need money or trappings or to sit on a throne
I'm gonna make it on my own
I've got the air that  I breath and where I lay down I'll make it my home

V2
Walkin the line and I make sure I pay all my dues
Trying to make my own way in a world that's so cruel
This ain't the path that I chose, I wanna walk in someone elses clothes
But While I've still got a breath I'm gonna hold my head high and believe

V3
Searching around but I just can't seem to find the right groove
I'm looking for answers but I Cant even work out the clues
I've tried like nobody knows, on my face are lines where it shows
But While I've still got a breath I'm gonna hold my head high and believe

[Stylus]

Hi Yodasdad
                  You have potential!  Your vocal tone is good & If thats you on the piano then this will
aid progress & development in vocal fluency. The song has an appealing feel & lyrics are flowing quite well...I might put  'walk in someone elses shoes'   instead of clothes but clothes works nevertheless.Pretty good for 3 songs    well done....  I like......Stylus

[Saeed AlSuri]

Hello there ..

Great song .. remind me of Elton John in his early works .. great piano playing .. arrangement .. singing is OK .. but you know you could do better .. 

There is only one thing .. the subject eluded me .. unclear in whats wrong .. what is the matter .. things like that .. which make's you say you are going to make it on your own .. I hope you got what I  mean ..

Cheers ..

[Jess]

LOVE this

[terrysains]

Superb song, great hook, some lines rushed, need to shorten them, excellent, well written lyrics, needs a professional touch, music change to lift up the chorus and some music changes as a bit samish, violins are magical. Decent voice.
Huge potential in my humble. Well done. Terry.

[seriousfun]

Hi Yoda and welcome to the forum. It's night here and I am on my ipad so can only comment on lyrics. Will give the song a listen tomorrow.

As far as the lyrics go, I am sorry but they don't work for me.

I love the first verse and the chorus, very well written and the idea is good. But I feel you need to go back to the drawing board for verses 2 and 3. But, before you do that, sit down and think where you want the story to go, how will it progress? At the moment all the other verses do is repeat verse 1 albeit in different words. Look for two new angles to put your message across. And then use one of those angles for each of the two verses.

For example you could focus a verse on what you need to do to make it or describe why you are on your own.

I also have a 2nd issue with the remainder of the verses and that is the overuse of common catch phrases that we are all guilty of wheeling out from time to time though hopefully not as often as this.

I may sound negative with these comments but I feel far from it as your chorus is v good as is your first verse. Songs are not written, they are re-written and you have a good foundation here. If you can strengthen those last two verses your song will be the stronger for it.

I'll listen in the morning and give further feedback.

Allan.

[crystalsuzy]

Hi Yoda and welcome to the forum...I quite enjoyed listening to your song...it has a very smooth feel to it and I like your voice and the piano and the strings you brought in...the melody is nice too, but I'm   not quite sure what you are trying to say in this song, other than you'll try and make it on your own...but maybe you're OK with that...anyway I think this is a very good song, especially since it's only your 3rd...so keep them coming thanks for sharing...CS

[digger72]

Hi Yoda,

I'd echo pretty much what already has been written. Nice piano, nice melody. I thought the vocals suited the song fine. The lyrics are the weak spot for me. Not because they are bad; I've heard much worse on the radio. They just seem a little tired after the first verse.

Cheers,

Digger

[seriousfun]

Ok, ive already commented on the lyrics, now the music. Lovely piano, very delicate and built with strings nicely as the track progresses. Very good vocals sounded like a nice double in there at times too.

The drums start out soft and may need some attention there as ther don't seem to work but once they come in properly they seem fine. Don't know if it was a completely different loop used or if I had become accustomed to them but I would look at the early intro of the drum track.

Very nice chord progression and the melody makes the most of it.

Really well done mate, fix the lyrics as the song deserves to have good lyrics with it.

Kudos on the write
Allan.

[Yodasdad]

Thanks for all the critiques so far and positive comments. 

I was really expecting to get ripped to shreds.

Allan, lyrics are definitely the part I find hardest, Bernie Taupin I'm not!
I will have another think on them just as soon as I've nailed the pesky chorus that is eluding me on the current song I'm working on.

Cheers

[diademgrove]

Hi Yoda,

I think this is a really good song. I have no problem with the lyrics. Great vocal.

The only thing I don't like are the drums. To me they add nothing and take my attention away from the song. I'd remove them and see if just the piano and strings could hold the song throughout. I suspect they can.

Looking forward to your next song.

diadem

[ShinyThang]

I've played this through several times now. The title almost put me off listening to it though. It seems desperate and a bit cheesy.

The song is lovely. The lyric and music work well together. I enjoyed the cascading melody in the the verses. I don't think there is anything particularly outstanding about the lyric but it does work far better in the song than on it's own (I try to read the lyrics before listening to a new song).

The arrangement is brilliant. And I really mean brilliant. You've populated this tune in a way that holds my interest all the way through. I really have played this over and over for almost an hour and I ain't bored yet The strings are wonderful and I just love the way the two-part strings take flight at 2:40 but you don't let them fly away too far before reigning them in to play soft pizzicato through the final two chorus repeats. Full of interest and fresh thinking.

An excellent song that will strike a chord with many listeners. I think vocal harmonies would enhance the chorus.

I wonder if you'd consider changing the title to 'I'll Make It My Home'?

[benjo]

hey,

great lyrics and well performed man really enjoyed
good job,  tony...

[fischermans]

Hi Yoda and welcome to the forum
I like you song very much.Great piano playing.I wish I could play.Great strings.
May you can force the chorus a bit.
Regards Alexander

[James Nighthawk]

Hello and welcome!

This is a nice first entry!

Yes, the lyrics are workaday and the chords/melody go some rather obvious places, but, it is well done. Once you learn the basics, the songwriting 101, then you can make your own path. Just like learning an instrument.

Your vocal is wobbly, but, you have a clear understanding of pitch and a nice tone, which cant be taught. So, keep at it and tighten up the pitching!

Stick around!