your star in the sky

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jameba

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« on: August 01, 2013, 01:40:43 PM »
Hey :) ive written another song about loosing my dad, the last one was more about cancer, this one is more about my dad and the events of his death and after, I always like to write about the meaning of the song so you can relate more to some of the lyrics, when he died I was 13 and my mum woke me up at 6am and had to tell me,when they came to get him form my house I was upstairs and ran down but the car was already driving off with him. even thou I was 13 I managed to say a speech at his funeral, I remember everyone looking at me but cant remember seing anyones face I was in my own world, and the saying on his headstone I didn't really understand because I was so young. then when I was bout 17 I started to drink a lot and all the emotion came out of me because I never spoke about it for all those years. anyway sorry to bore you with all the writing I just like to explain my songs :) would really like some feedback I know its a emotional song but I can take criticism and and suggestions on wording people have :) cheers james

verse 1

6 am dragged into hell from my heaven spot
feeling betrayed by love the one it forgot
hand gripping your heart praying for a beat from within
that beat to say you never gave in
as I wave you goodbye one last time
you was in the car so I pictured you in my mind


chorus

I have whispered you a thousand words
I cried my eyes goodbye
I held your hand and felt your heart
now I look for your star in the sky

verse 2

head into the church to try and hold it together
when the man I adore is gone forever
can I face these faces that ill just look through
and speak of the greatest man I barely knew
13 trying to understand your headstone ahhhhh - this ahh is a cry of hurt
49 you didn't even reach the mile stone


chorus

I have whispered you a thousand words
I cried my eyes goodbye
I held your hand and felt your heart
now I look for your star in the sky


verse 3

growing up I should of had you to look up to
not growing up looking up to you
separated by planets, I know you didn't plan it -- or - I try look through the planets
guess god needed you up there god dam it
now im alcohol grieving but grief im receiving
drowning my sorrow my mum don't believe in


chorus

I have whispered you a thousand words
I cried my eyes goodbye
I held your hand and felt your heart
now I look for your star in the sky

benjo

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« Reply #1 on: August 01, 2013, 06:56:47 PM »
hey,

so touching this really hits the spot I lost my mum not my dad but still made me go cold
and this chorus below blew me away great write well done to you,


I've whispered you a thousand words
cried my eyes goodbye
held your hand and felt your heart
now I look for your star in the sky   


only thing I would say is get rid of a couple of those  I's this is my example
but that's your choice it's great anyway, tony...


Jess

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« Reply #2 on: August 01, 2013, 07:43:47 PM »
Really really emotional piece, but so well written. I can't imagine what you've been though and are going through, but this song really gave the reader a look into your raw emotions and feelings and I admire you for not coating everything in metaphors. I also admire how you channel all your hard times and sadness into music because you've written a really great song :)
"When writing a song, if your afraid to suck, you'll never write a note" -Jeff Boyle

jameba

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« Reply #3 on: August 01, 2013, 07:47:05 PM »
Tony and jess this is exactly why I posted this in here, really nice comments and good advice I will be changing it to that tony, jess your comment is so nice and really pleased you liked it thanks a lot :) James

PeeJay

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« Reply #4 on: August 01, 2013, 08:05:18 PM »
This is a good job.

It put your emotions across well although words can never really sum up how you feel on these occasions.

Nice one.

Phil.
I don't know what i'm doing but i do it anyway.

BooBoo

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« Reply #5 on: August 01, 2013, 09:11:03 PM »
Very emotional but very well written. I me the third verse was the strongest. The whole thing of it blew me away! All of it is very good though! Loved it
VOTE FOR JUNE LOTM!!!!!!!

jameba

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« Reply #6 on: August 03, 2013, 04:53:02 PM »
Thanks for the feedback jess and Phil so nice, glad you liked it :)