[Soul Punk]

Going through personal hell
Please review thanks

Air Miles

I know that your bored right now
But I wonder who and where you are
I'm your pit stop when it burns out
Then you go like a formula one car

Are you blind, can't you see
Your not clocking air miles
You've just abandoned me

Millions of strangers smile at me
Sometimes I wonder why this
How much money do I need
Is it duty or a sense of security

Are you blind, can't you see
Your not clocking air miles
You've just abandoned me

You do your hair and put lipstick on
Trying to have the time of my life
While I'm in the dark like a pawn
I've got to get out of here tonight

Are you blind, can't you see
Your not clocking air miles
You've just abandoned me

[Jess]

I like the lyrics, I like the metaphorical aspects and the really strong chorus, but for me I don't really get what it's about? I mean it probably makes sense to you because you know what's going on in your life, it might just be me, but I couldn't really gather a clear story- verse 1 is about being bored...or someone being able to fall back on you? And verse 2 starts talking about money? Sorry I'm just so confused

[GTB]

Hi SoulPunk,
I think you have all the makings of a good song here but I got a little lost with the point of view, it appears to go from 'me' to 'you' strangely, e.g.
"You do your hair and put lipstick on
Trying to have the time of my life "

I think your message is a bit obscure too, maybe you could sum it up by adding a bridge?
I'm guessing that when you try to sing it you may tweak the words a bit too, so as to make them flow.  Good song though, some good lines, but a bit of clarification for the listener/reader would improve it for me.
GTB

[PeeJay]

I felt the emotion of this. I think it just needs a couple of adjustments here and there.

I also got stuck on these lines:

'You do your hair and put lipstick on
Trying to have the time of my life'

I didn't get them at first but then i thought it might mean she's going out while using him when it suits. Going out alone when they should have been together. Bit like that song 'Oh Lonesome Me'.
Check the lyrics to that i think it's the same theme.

Nice one, Phil.

[Saeed AlSuri]

I like the idea .. some good lines .. but the story as it's said before is not clear ..  ..

if the story is clear in the readers mind or the listener of the song .. the the massage will reach .. that is what songs are for .. it convey a massage .. about me .. others .. something .. help .. what ever .. but it must be clear .. you could make the song longer with clear massage better the shot and vague ..

Good work ..

Cheers ..

[BooBoo]

Hmm seems good but gets confusing. As people have pointed out, the change of view seems to be the main thing. Also the story is quite confusing as others have pointed out. I'm sure if you tweeked it you'll have a great song!

[Bernd]

(I have the impression that your private situation got in the way of writing this - no offense, please)

You've got material for at least two cool lyrics in this one:
- there is this strong image from the racing scene in the first verse: you use me when you need me, then you drop me - that's real cool!
- then there is the - quite different - image of 'you' collecting air miles (or bonus points). Great idea, too, but unfortunately it doesn't fit together with the verse - or only after thinking twice, which nobody does when listening to music.

This line doesn't make sense: "Trying to have the time of my life" I guess it should read "... your life..." because she ('you') is living on your expense.

Is "abandoned" the best term here? To me it sounds too 'official', as opposed to "ditched me".

Back to my - admittedly slightly harsh - 'intro': I know that many people who write poetry or lyrics do so from their very private and situational perspective. Although it could be that this allows for a more intense writing I have my doubts if you can be at your best when you're too much involved. I prefer writing about nearly everything - except myself ;-)

Keep the images and cast them into great songs!

Cheers,
Bernd

[benjo]

hey,

some nice lines here but I do agree with above
i was lost it needs to be clearer but it could be good tony...