[Jess]

I was listening to the old school katy perry (look but don't touch, milk milk lemonade era) and I thought I want to write something really fun, with a really simple sing along melody like that, and although I haven't quite got the second one yet, here is my fun pop song, 'shirt and tie.' (It was called suit and tie, but then Justin Timberlake totally stole my jam, so now it's shirt and tie
Make of it what you will, I shall not admit or deny if it was written on truth...
Criticism as always welcome


(Verse 1)
He walks past my locker in his shirt and tie
My chest is the runway as my heart takes flight
Til he knocks on the staff room, reveals his wedding band
My hearts hit turbulence, it's struggling to land

(Pre chorus)
My head thinks: wow he's mature
My conscience thinks: and he's married
But my heart doesn't think that's gunna stop me

(Chorus)
Yes sir
I'll take the register
Ill also take that ring right off your hand

I know
You're a professional
But I'm struggling to keep my distance

Cos I like your shirt and tie

(Verse 2)
No boys my age can capture my attention
Even if they could wouldn't want their affection
There's nothing vaguely mature wearing a sweater
I confess a shirt and tie might be my guilty pleasure
 
(Pre chorus)
My head thinks: wow he's grown up
My conscience thinks: he's got a wife
But my heart keeps ignoring their advice

(Chorus)
Yes sir
I'll take the register
Ill also take that ring right off your hand

I know
You're a professional
But I'm struggling to keep my distance

Cos I like your shirt and tie

(Bridge)
Some love celebrities
Some have weird fetishes
I like a suit and tie
Can't see what the problem is

It's just a little crush
I'm sure I'll get over it
But in the meantime let's
Use it to our advantage

(Chorus)
Yes sir
I'll take the register
Ill also take that ring right off your hand

I know
You're a professional
But I'm struggling to keep my distance

Cos I like your shirt and
I like your shirt and
I like your shirt and tie

[PeeJay]

Hi, some nice lines here. Good opening verse grabbed the attention.

I thought this line:

'There's nothing vaguely mature wearing a sweater'

Might work better as:

'There's nothing too mature about wearing a sweater' - keep or sweep.

I had a crush on miss Tudor the History teacher many moons ago!

Nice one, Phil.

[Sing4me88]

Ha. I'm loving this one Jess. Its got the Pop feel of Perry that 'I'm so cute but not that innocent' vibe that a lot of her early stuff had. Hot on the heels of a 'Genius' that is nearing completion you keep knocking them out of the park! Can I have some of what you are on please?

[diademgrove]

Hi Jess,

I'm not sure about the subject matter, a sign of my age perhaps. However having said that I think the last line in the chorus is a little weak, because of the word "also" and "that". To me it introduces a pause where there shouldn't be one. They break up the flow for me.

I feel a change to "and the ring right off your hand" would work better. If the syllable count doesn't fit with the music you could use "finger" instead of hand as it doesn't seem to affect the rhyming structure.

As always these are my views and you can ignore them if you wish.

diadem

ps I haven't heard any Katy Perry so I may look her up on Youtube

[Jess]

Thank you for all the comments

PeeJay- thank you, I've rewritten that line about 3 times, I know what I want to say but wording it has been really difficult, ill probably have to write it another 3 times before I get it right!

Sing4me88- THANK YOU! I adore Katy Perry, but strangely I've never really totally tried to write in her style, so this was really fun. Hmm...what am I on? A mixture on enumbers and gummy bears I should think...

Diademgrove- I'm still slightly shocked that you've never heard any of Katy Perry's music!! My personal favourite is thinking of you, so look that one up first (and stray away from peacock and hummingbird heartbeat, because if you didn't like the theme of this, you really won't like them! I didn't mean the theme of this song in any other way than an unserious fun one. I'm not rejecting your criticism because it is really helpful (I know the flow of my songs is something I really need to work on) but the word also in the chorus is really important because it's saying 'ill take one and thing and ill also take another thing' I guess I'm trying to connect my lines instead of having stand alone lyrics. I don't know, but go and listen to Katy Perry NOW

[diademgrove]

Hi Jess,

I often use "also" at work. Usually I then go through it again and remove them. The same with "that". So I may have been a little harsh, but I don't think so.

If you are at the seaside do you order fish and also chips, or fish and chips. I'm sure you can think of dozens of other examples. They both say the same thing but one uses an additional word and sounds odd, unless the chips are an afterthought and there was a pause after and.

The last line of your chorus is a statement of intent. You will get your man and take his ring off his finger. You may even replace it with one of your own, but, of course, only if he wears his shirt and tie at home.

"I'll take the register and the ring right off your hand" to me is a better sentence than "I'll take the register,  I'll also take that ring right off your hand" It may be that your melody fits better with your words then mine, but try tapping out a rhythm and singing both sets of words. You may find my words sound more convincing. Which you use would depend on whether you want the song to feel like you will take the ring of his finger or whether you want all the additional words to suggest hesitation.

Its your song, without the music only you will know how it should sound. Just think about what I have written. You may decide to ignore what I've said this time but it may come in useful another time.

I had a listen to Look but don't touch and found it hard to listen to, not my sort of music. I'll have a listen to your favourites and give her another chance.

diadem

[keith21583]

Well done Jess. I like the build up of this lyric and I feel that it is going to be a very catchy pop song.

Keep up your good work mate. 

[GTB]

Nice one Jess.  Teenage angst, I really don't miss it !
I like the punchy feel to this and think it will make a great pop song.  I also (oops ;-) ) like the duality; young and carefree but with some conscience there too You hit the nail on the head for me, well done.
GTB

[Jess]

Thank you, I've just worked out a melody for this (well actually I've stolen a melody from a song I'd previously written) so it's now on my growing list of songs which shall be posted on the dark side of the forum (...somehow they never seem to make the journey...)

[BooBoo]

Love this!!! All I have to say really

[Thomas Frederick]

I love the simplicity of this, it works well with the subject matter in my opinion.

I really do imagine this being a Katy Perry styled song!

My favourite part has to be the bridge omg that bit is perfect

Honestly I can't really find anything to pick up on
Other than maybe change the pre-chorus to 2 or 4 lines... 3 doesn't seem to flow too well to me. But that might just be the melody I have

Well done!

[benjo]

hi jess,

don't know how I missed this,  as a dad with a young daughter i'm cringing
but I remember when I was 13 years old I threw a half brick at an English teacher
for holding hands with my maths teacher, I loved her, I love this and so true to life well done
I hope this is not you though, if it is be very careful we all have crushes,
clever write, tony...

[Jess]

Thank you for all the lovely comments! If anyone wants to develop the lyrics further with a melody they have in mind, or maybe they've just joined me in the hardcore katy perry fan club, feel free. I normally play around with melodies, but it never really goes any further.

Benjo- we can cringe together, haha but like I said before I shall leave the truth about this song as a mystery...

[seriousfun]

Jess , you are on a roll with your writing ATM.

This is a super song , Nuff said.

Allan.

[Innominate]

Jess - Are you sure it's your heart that is motivating you? This could be a very catchy pop song with the right music. I think the lyrics hit a lot of points that would resonate with young girls: exploration and acceptance of sexual identity, framing lust as love to justify obviously unethical behavior, sharing of sexual fantasies to normalize them, feelings of superiority, even a "straw man" argument to rebel against fictional oppression and getting to be a "bad girl". A good pop song write with the solid "shirt and tie" theme.

Benjo -

...I remember when I was 13 years old I threw a half brick at an English teacher
for holding hands with my maths teacher, I loved her...

Why have you not written this song yet? Or maybe you have? If you haven't, I would suggest exploring this as an option. It is the perfect amount of boyish charm and sweetness, the kind of ridiculous behavior only acceptable to children. This could be a hilariously sweet song.