Help with 'Looking for Lucy'

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Neil C

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« on: July 17, 2013, 10:32:32 AM »
Hi, here's a WIP country number, its a collab with Kevin B whose lyrics have been up on the forum. 
It has been slightly difficult to nail the tune and arrangement. Its gone through a couple of iterations and we're a bit too close to be able to see the wood from the trees.
So I'd really appreciate some honest feedback on the song: specifically around the tempo, melody and is there enough variation to keep interest, and suggestions how to improve it!!   
https://soundcloud.com/neilconnor-2/lucy-demo-master-11-july-2013
Thanks in anticipation
 :)
Neil
songwriter of no repute..

diademgrove

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« Reply #1 on: July 17, 2013, 01:23:09 PM »
Hi Neil,

I have a few opinions but they primarily concern the lyrics. I know you asked for an honest opinion but I'd like Kevin to confirm that's what he wants as well.

Once Kevin does that I'll post my feedback.

Just to be clear I thought parts of the song, both music and lyrics, were very good.

diadem

Neil C

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« Reply #2 on: July 17, 2013, 02:32:15 PM »
Hi,
No worries. When I collaborate I always check demo's, get feedback and agreement to seek feedback on the forum first so there are no surprises. :)

And in my response to shall we get some collective feedback? Kev said "yeh thats cool with me mate, another perspective is always a good thing so you do what you feel is best neil !"
 
If you've feedback on the lyrics maybe its best to put them in:http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/lyric-reviews/looking-for-lucy-(country)/
 :)
Neil
songwriter of no repute..

diademgrove

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« Reply #3 on: July 17, 2013, 04:55:35 PM »
Thanks Neil, here goes. I think my comments are best served here as the words and the music go together.

These are my thoughts, so you can ignore them if you don't like them. I like most of the song, but feel it is a little too long and could be a little more interesting than a dude seeking out his former lover after she's become famous.

To begin, country songs are usually about the story, the clearer the better. So, I'm confused by the use of the first person. Who is drinking the whisky, the singer or the dude? I suspect its the dude, but "a whisky for me" doesn't make it clear.

Second, if Lucy is famous why hasn't the bartender heard of her? Especially if the bar is in Nashville. More interesting for me would be if Lucy wasn't famous. That opens up a whole different world. So, for example, in the first verse, the last line could be changed to "sits in my chair". Its the singer's favourite bar, so its likely he'd have a favourite seat. One change introduces a slightly different slant.

The first line of the second verse could be "A whisky for him he made it a double". The focus remains on the singer and how he sees the dude.

I like the first four lines of the chorus but feel the last two lines don't work musically. I'd take them out altogether. I change all the "I"s etc. to He's, etc with the exception of "the girl that I love". The song takes on a different texture and introduces a further tension between the singer and the dude. To me this is more interesting than Lucy leaving a band, her guitar, her lover and becoming famous. It fits in with the bartenders comments that somebody here may know who she is.

I'd keep the third and fourth verses and end by singing the chorus twice. If you wanted to introduce a twist you could sing ("the girl that he loves" in the first chorus and "the girl that I love" in the last two choruses).

I don't think the bridge works musically. Most country music I recall seems to be just verse chorus, but I may be wrong.

If you wanted to develop the singer's relationship with Lucy you could do, but I'd leave it open for the listener to develop the punch line in their own mind.

Sorry if I come across as negative, but I think its a good song, with a good melody and chorus. To me it needs to have a little less going on musically and something a little different lyrically.

diadem
 

Dave Bradley

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« Reply #4 on: July 18, 2013, 08:29:31 AM »
Well put together, but not really my cup of tea. One thing though at the point where you mention the Gibson guitar the electric solo that comes in sounds like a Strat or similar...

Oh and it seems a bit disingenuous storywise that ths guy is hoping to possess this woman who is making it big on her with her "fancy" guitar. I also suspect that getting her name in lights was more to do with her raw talent than the fact that her Daddy gave her his Gibson on his deathbed. Or, am I overthinking this...?

montydog

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« Reply #5 on: July 18, 2013, 11:40:02 AM »
I'm finding the cymbals right from the start distracting - too busy IMHO. The electric guitar sound is great - playing reminds me of Mark Knopfler. I'm not sure about the song - it's missing something but if I knew what it was and could fix it, I'd be rich. I think there are places where there are too may words competing for the space which makes it sound rushed and anxious when it should be relaxed and err...country style! I'm not getting enough of a country vibe which may be down to your voice which is soooooo English  :D Perhaps others with more talent than me can offer some further advice. If you want to PM me the chords and I get sudden inspiration, I'll do my best to help.

Neil C

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« Reply #6 on: July 18, 2013, 11:13:31 PM »
Cheers for your comments:
diadem, thanks for your feedback which I took in the overall context of its a good song which can get better :)  These are of course Kevin's lyrics not mine and whilst I think the story is fit for purpose for the style, I do think my delivery could be clearer as to who is saying what. Musically some pruning sounds in order.

sciencebase, I'm glad you spotted the irony. The fanciest acoustic i know often used in country music is a Gibson J200 and I'm thinking lets pretend I'm Mark Knopfler playing a good old Fender Strat.  And yes I think its best not to over think some songs.  

Alan, agreed ditch the busy hi-hats. Re the song I have had a number of changes to tempo and with both straight and swing drum pattens. Perhaps its a bit to complicated: a mellow first section, then more uptempo 2nd, acoustic bridge, slow 3 verse and upbeat chorus and outdo. Think I'd better strip it back to basics, get it more relaxed and let it breath. May well take you up on your kind offer.

Please keep the feedback coming, its very useful to get different perspectives.
 :)
Neil
« Last Edit: July 19, 2013, 06:49:47 AM by Neil C »
songwriter of no repute..

benjo

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« Reply #7 on: July 19, 2013, 07:40:01 PM »
hey guys,

you've really got a great story there, I can see what you mean with it, it doesn't seem to want to flow
only my opinion, I think you should go back to the write, see where you can trim and
use the same meaning but a different word like drive or drove or driven you can cut a bit out of
a line just by taking a look at the wording, this is well worth putting some time into
it's a great story just needs that shaping thing,  it will be good when it's done so keep at it, it will come
well done nice cllab tony...

Alan Starkie

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« Reply #8 on: July 20, 2013, 01:52:04 PM »
Nice bit of Dire Straits here.

I think the chorus needs a little more punch to it (more of a lift after the verse).

I'd cut some 'well's from the lyric. You can end up putting them in when there's no need.

We all do it sometimes.

Work on this one. It'll come right.

Alan.

Dave Bradley

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« Reply #9 on: July 21, 2013, 03:41:03 PM »
I've always been a bit of an overthinker ;-)