[theLostLad]

Hello

Its been a good 6 months since I've posted here although I have been browsing/lurking from time to time. In the meantime I've written a few songs, this one being the most recent. The mountain is a metaphor for a place of refuge or isolation. Its not autobiographical but about someone I know. I quite like the overall shape of the lyrics but they are a but clumsy in places. What I really don't like is the transition into the chorus. Definitely a WIP! Oh, and the occasional background sounds you can hear are a creaky kitchen chair!

https://soundcloud.com/thelostlad/mountain-man

Lyrics:

For ten lonely years I’ve walked on this mountain
Woken each morning by the ptarmigan’s call
At night I may brood on the lights in the valley
I’m sheltered on high from what may befall

Most times I take the path of least resistance
At least I can bathe in a cool waterfall

At times I have cried when I thought of my brothers
Toiling for gold in lands far away
Comfort I find in the clough on the hillside
I take to my den at the end of the day

Most times I take the path of least resistance
At least I can see the hawk take its prey

A quill by my bedside / Is my weapon of choice
A voice on the mountain / I’ll be
Turn from the outside / No life to rejoice
The voice on the mountain / Is me

When I think back to the joys of my childhood
I can’t see where my life went awry
I somehow took a path much less travelled
No means of return now I’m close to the sky

Most times I take the path of least resistance
At least I can watch the stream running by

In years still to come I aim to endeavour
To journey once more to those down below
The years will be long, my face may be ravaged
I pray that they see me as one of their own

For now I will take the path of least resistance
At least I can call the mountain my home

A quill by my bedside / Is my weapon of choice
A voice on the mountain / I’ll be
Turn from the outside / No life to rejoice
The voice on the mountain / Is me

[tayoln]

Lyrically I really like this. Actually reminds me a bit in style of the poem 'The Road Not Taken' by Robert Frost.

[theLostLad]

Lyrically I really like this. Actually reminds me a bit in style of the poem 'The Road Not Taken' by Robert Frost.

Thanks tayoln, the 'path much less travelled' is definitely a steal from the road not taken. The only other frost poem I know is the one about stopping by the woods on a snowy evening. Must read more frost.

[montydog]

Nice guitar playing and there is a lovely, lilting melody there. I think you need to vary the melodic idea in the verse and make the melody in the chorus more distinct from the verse melody. I think you're stretching a short melodic phrase and asking it to carry the whole song. The arrangement could also maybe use a little variation but overall, it's a pretty song.

[theLostLad]

Thanks Alan, fair point. I find that choruses I really have to work at, whereas verses come easily, or at least more naturally. Quite often find myself at the end of a 2nd verse thinking 'Now what...??'

[seriousfun]

Lyrically this is top drawer though I would have like a rhyme in the chorus.

Melodically what you have is good apart from the chorus which appears to be an extension of the verse. Its a pretty melody but to carry a delicate structure like this unchanged through mins is a big ask. I think you need to introduce some variety to break it up. IMHO you could revisit the chord structure of the chorus and change something there as that will then force you into a new melody ofr that section. Then you build something, strings maybe into the middle verses and then drop back to what you have for the final verse. Or even introduce some light percussion somewhere. I just feel it needs some arrangement changes to hold the interest over the entire song.

Its a lovely delicate melody just needs supporting.

Allan.

[theLostLad]

Both Al(l)ans are in agreement so I'd better take heed! 

I'm wondering about using the existing chorus (which does have some rhyming in it - choice/voice/rejoice + be/me) as a middle eight? I suppose it depends on what shape a new chorus takes.

Thanks for the feedback guys, appreciated.

[Dutchbeat]

nice soothing chords and melody, pretty atmosphere you create

cool, i was hoping for a clear change of chords / melody, a middle eight?

but this sounds good, yes

[GTB]

Hi TheLostLad, this has a fabulous set of lyrics and a great feel to it. I would agree with the other posts that a change of some kind needs to be introduced somewhere to prevent the listeners attention wandering off.  I look forward to the next version.
GTB