[cj allen]

Hi , I know this is very unfinished but any feed back would be welcome ?




She’s  so special

By c j Allen

Did you ever find a lover, right from the start
She takes you over, over and over and steals your heart
It’s a good thing, stars are dazzling, and sets you apart
Leaves a mark on you, a new tattoo, shooting a dart

Chorus

She knows it, cause I always show it
Your so special to me
I don’t fake it, she wouldn’t take it
She’s so special to me

You have taken me out of the rain, sky’s are blue
Its not a shame I am not to blame, that I love you
Imagine that me getting my girl, my dream came true
Before to long and miles away, without you I got no clue

chorus


https://soundcloud.com/cliffallen/fake1

[diademgrove]

Hi cj,

The mood set by the music is fairly dark which sets an interesting tension between the words and the music. The music doesn't really sound like a love song.

I was a little confused about who you are singing the song to. Sometimes you sing "you" and sometimes you sing "she". If you were singing directly to your love you wouldn't use "she". If I did that I'd get a clip around the ear.

If you change the lyrics so that you are looking into her eyes and singing to her I suggest you change the melody to something a bit brighter.

However, singing to a friend about your lover appeals to me more. By changing the lyrics to she/her you are saying you've found true love but the inference is that you're not particularly happy about being taken over, and this is reflected in the music. To me that's more interesting and opens up a lot more musical possibilities.

You have the beginnings of two good songs. Good luck with the next step.

diadem

[cj allen]

thanks diademgrove...i started with the chorus and was not sure what way to go with it, i will go with the she/her route like you suggested, gives it more interest and contrast with the music, i could not be more pleased with your comments thanks....should be able to finish this one now

[flossie]

Hi CJ,


This is a good song

I could hear The Sundays performing this, it's very moody and I think this would work best with a female singer too, the following are more uptempo but I reckon that's the way forward for this partiular song.  I agree the feel of the verse and chorus don't match up but it might just work...!

x

[diademgrove]

thanks diademgrove...i started with the chorus and was not sure what way to go with it, i will go with the she/her route like you suggested, gives it more interest and contrast with the music, i could not be more pleased with your comments thanks....should be able to finish this one now

I'm glad I helped. I'm looking forward to the finished version.

[cj allen]

thanks for your comments flossie..also really enjoyed the youtube links you added

[Dave Bradley]

Obviously, you wanted the line to end rhyming with heart, but...

"Leaves a mark on you, a new tattoo, shooting a dart"

...kind of a mixed metaphor and for me doesn't really follow. Perhaps rewording so that it's the "mark on you" that sets you apart? And the starts that are shooting like darts? Just a thought...

It’s a good thing, stars are dazzling, shooting like darts
Leaves a mark on you, a new tattoo that sets you apart

[Neil C]

I like the lyrics and think there a good song in there.
For me I felt it could do with being more of an upbeat pop song - I'm think the LA's or the Coral.
Look forwards to seeing where you take it.
 
Neil