konalavadome

(First Song Submitted)

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greigpaterson1875

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« on: June 26, 2013, 10:44:37 PM »
Hi guys and girl,

First post here but read on here a few times in the past. I am a songwriter and try to sing with my acoustic and electric (Rhythm) and I have always found fascination with writing songs and I do it constantly my one worry is, am I getting the point across in my songs and the other worry is it good enough?

Here goes

verse
When you cry
Cause that guy
makes me wanna stop and make a stand

If I have the chance
when I make my stance
I will tell him straight if you want me too

All those drunken times
He's stumbled home late at night
He cant see what this is doing to you

Chorus
See baby see
See baby see
see baby see
how this gets to me

Verse
We'll stick together
Through whatever
Show him you can do better with me

With a push or shove
Money cant buy you love
what kind of love does he give to you




First attempt wrote in an hour and half, I just would appreciate feedback regarding song structure, Lyrics, Possible lyrics added,

Thanks Again  8)



Kevin j

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« Reply #1 on: June 26, 2013, 11:39:52 PM »
its good, but by the look of it, it seems too short, maybe if you wrote a bridge, it would lengthen it out a bit, it mightnt need to be, it really depends on what kind music your putting it to.
it does get the point across, that you think he isnt good enough for her, and would be better of with you, to put it simply.
they are nice lyrics, but theres nothing outstanding in them, its a good first attempt

hope this helps :)
well, that escalated quickly..
-Anchorman :)

greigpaterson1875

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« Reply #2 on: June 27, 2013, 08:35:48 AM »
Appreciate the feedback mate again I seem to write a song and leave it and go back to it down the line but thought through this website I could use some feedback to add to the song,


seriousfun

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« Reply #3 on: June 27, 2013, 10:14:23 AM »
Welcome to the forum.

It is unusual to have a three line verse but looking at the last line of each verse i get the feeling that it would fit comfortably over two musical lines which puts it back into a more standard form. So the rest of my comments are based on this assumption.

Chorus generally repeat and are always bought in earlier than after the third verse. Thereare good reasons for this as the chorus should normally contain the songs main hook as wellas the song title, often one and the same. This gives you agreat opportunity to extend the song as it is short, pointed out by kevin. IMHO the chorus should come after V2 andbe repeated after V4 and then used again at the end. This would give the song a stronger musical structure to work with. Youcould even rewrite the 5th verse as a bridge and lift the songeven more.

V1 is going to pose a problem musically as it stands cause the first two lines are so much shorterthan the first two lines of all the other verses so you may like to revisit them g o get them to flow better. Also as it is the second line is hard to follow but with another couple of syllables you should be able to correct that.

The story is great though V4 confuses me as until then i felt she was with the other guy and then the way V4 is written it sounds like she is with you. I just dont think that part is working. My suggestion is to drop v4 and go straight to verse 5 and a repeat of the chorus as outlined earlier. Then youcould have abridge and a final chorus. You couldbaseyour bridge on verse 4 as it would provide the perfect new material to make it work. But word it more along the lines of "if we could try again..."  with these changes IMHO you could get a strong song. You haveagoodfoundation here and i help these comments are of help.

greigpaterson1875

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« Reply #4 on: June 27, 2013, 03:08:39 PM »
Thanks mate, My influences are bands like The View, Biffy Clyro, We were promised jetpacks (scottish bands) but also like Kings Of Leon style of Rhythm guitar.

I will work with your comments and hopefully add in a bridge and add a few syllables into the that line you mentioned. Appreciate the time you took to analyse this and hope i can be off help in the future

Any other feedback welcome

Jess

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« Reply #5 on: June 27, 2013, 05:03:05 PM »
I see a lot of potential here, the chorus is very strong and definitely gets the point across- so that's worry one ticked off your list. For me everything just needs lengthening. The lines are quite monosyllabic in the verses and it feels like your containing your ideas too much so that they will fit to a certain structure. I think the line "money can't buy you love" is really good and using more cryptic, metaphor, similie style lines like this, will really boost the quality of your work.
The more you 'worry' the more the quality of your music is going to decrease, so just try and shake off the nerves- be confident and don't pressurise yourself to write a number one hit. We all learn best from the feedback on forums like this so in a way it's better to make mistakes so that you can improve :)
"When writing a song, if your afraid to suck, you'll never write a note" -Jeff Boyle

benjo

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« Reply #6 on: June 27, 2013, 05:52:25 PM »
hey greig,

I loved it, really flows well I could almost feel the words being said
if you did this so fast keep looking over it and you will shape it so well
the line for me had to be

                                       money can't buy you love
     
well done tony...

seriousfun

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« Reply #7 on: June 28, 2013, 02:24:36 AM »
You have had a few people mention that 'money can't buy you love' is your strongest line and it probably is, but I would actually suggest you change that line a bit as it will always force comparisons with the Lennon/Mcartney song of that name. I am not suggesting you stole the line as it is a common place saying but I would certainly look at making an alteration IMHO, especially given that it is your main hook line.

Allan.

GTB

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« Reply #8 on: June 28, 2013, 11:02:53 AM »
Hi,
I instantly thought of the Beatles when I read "money can't buy you love".  I wonder if there is a way to acknowledging that perhaps by mentioning the Beatles or Lennon & McCartney?  I can't see a way to do that in your verse structure but if you made that verse into a bridge (& perhaps moved things around a bit) it could expand your options.

A very minor point too is the line "when I make my stance" which may be a tongue twister depending on how you end up singing it.

The "drunken times" verse does have more words than the other verses and to me looks a little too direct.  It may be personal preference but I think it could be improved by saying something else but alluding to the drunkenness.  In fact on re-reading it you are saying the same thing twice ("stumbling home late at night" gets the message over without the first line mentioning "drunkenness") so why not use that first line to say something else?

All in all I think you only need a few tweaks to make this into a great song.
GTB
GTB

greigpaterson1875

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« Reply #9 on: July 13, 2013, 12:36:51 PM »
Thanks everyone who has given me feedback on this song, I have been extremely busy at work and struggled to sit and have time to think off it all but will get through it today.