Be With You

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Louis

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« on: June 24, 2013, 04:43:01 PM »
First recording I've ever done, so would like some constructive criticism please :)

I know the sound quality is awful, and my vocals kind of suck here - I'm not normally that bad but ah well :p

I'm open to any comments you could have on what I could add to this, as at the moment it's a pretty boring guitar chord progression :)

Here is link:


Here are lyrics:

Verse 1

I heard he messed with your head
Chose somebody else instead
I heard he wasted your time
The time for loving, turned out that you're being mislead

Verse 2

I heard he messed with your mind
You took a knife in the back from behind
I heard you're not want he wants your
not what he needs so he left you alone to just die

Pre Chorus

But I ain't like that I'll help you fight back
I'll give you all that you need

Chorus

Cause I wanna be with you
I wanna see like you
So come on and let me through
Now tell  me that you want me too

I wanna be with you
I wanna see like you
So come on let me through
And tell me that you want me too

Verse 2

I heard he messed with your soul
Left you alone in a hole
I heard he threw you to the start
from tip to toe, your body is cold, took the love out of your heart

Verse 3
I heard he messed with your personality
he tried to make you see your darker side

Pre Chorus
But I ain't like that, I'll help you fight back
I'll give you all that you need

Bridge
                                
Because I heard he messed with your heart        
I heard that he tore you apart
And now listen to me, a cup of tea if you're willing to try and restart

Chorus

Cause I wanna be with you
I wanna see like you
So come on and let me through
Now tell me that you want me too

« Last Edit: July 16, 2013, 09:24:20 PM by Louis »

diademgrove

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« Reply #1 on: June 24, 2013, 05:46:46 PM »
Hi Louis,

the recording wasn't as bad as you think. It was very clear.

There is some very good parts of the song. I like the chorus, it works, but why did you only sing it once? I know you finished with part of it but it sounded like it was the end of the bridge. I would have put the bridge before the pre-chorus and ended with the pre-chorus and chorus sang in the same way as after verse 2.

I thought the tempo was rushed. I'd slow the song down. If I was a young woman I wouldn't be very impressed, it sounds like you want to get off to watch the football. In my head a heard congas keeping the rhythm.

Nothing wrong with the chord progression.

Of course, feel free to disagree.

You have the making of a very good song. I'm glad you got rid of the swearing.

diadem

p.s. what happened to your Hull accent?

Louis

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« Reply #2 on: June 24, 2013, 05:52:54 PM »
Hi Diadem,

Thanks for the feedback!

Thanks for the idea about the bridge, probably a good idea there! I'll change that around next time I do it! :)

And football > women any day ;)
Only joking :p I'll slow it down next time, thank you :)

Louis

p.s. I don't really have a hull accent(especially when I'm singing) I live in a posh area :p Sutton village if you know it :p

The Color of Oldfield

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« Reply #3 on: June 24, 2013, 06:33:31 PM »
Hi Louis,

I think for a young age you have done really well with this song. I think the comments above about sum things up.

Dont worry about chord progression, some of the best songs ever written only use 2 or 3 chords, its all about the content and how you present it.

Lyrics are good too.

I would just play around with tempo and different arrangements until you feel comfortable, its got to feel natural to YOU when you play and sing the song.

Keep it up and hope to hear the next version soon!

Pete Oldfield
The Color Of Oldfield


Dave Bradley

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« Reply #4 on: June 24, 2013, 07:43:07 PM »
Really, don't big yourself up so much  :P

It sounds pretty good to me for a first demo. As to chords, look at John Lee Hooker, never deviated from the one-chord trick!

Yeah, glad I came to this without expletives...don't see the point of swearing in songs, there's always something more poetic than that to say...and it means you don't have to do a radio edit. E.g. "You are now rocking with Will.I.Am and Britney, peeps!" Hah!

Jess

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« Reply #5 on: June 25, 2013, 05:53:57 PM »
If I could sum it up in one emocon, it would be this one:

It's very good for someone our age, especially as a first go plus remember it's a working progress so it shouldn't be perfect anyway. My only tip would be confidence :)
"When writing a song, if your afraid to suck, you'll never write a note" -Jeff Boyle

diademgrove

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« Reply #6 on: June 25, 2013, 08:18:42 PM »
Hi Louie,

I knew Sutton reasonably well, spent some nights of my youth in Ship and the Duke. I was brought up on Bilton Grange.

If you are going to repost I'd have a listen to a few love songs to get some ideas about how to sing one.

Here's three you may know or may not. The Temptations My Girl, Kris Kristtofferson with Rita Coolidge (Old Grey Whistle Test) Help Me Make it Through the Night and finally, Sam Cooke Wonderful World. I'm sure you could find many more.

Good luck,

diadem

Neil C

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« Reply #7 on: June 26, 2013, 11:13:48 AM »
Louis,
Thanks for sharing, its always a bit nervous especially when its work in progress. Good basis to work from. Thoughts  The chords are fine I think perhaps a little more variation in the melody would be good. And as other have said practice to a rhythm that you feel comfortable playing and singing with, because especially if its stripped down so the words are clear and confident delivered.   
Look forward to hearing where you take it.
 :)
Neil
songwriter of no repute..