[lauriewood95]

These are the lyrics to a song I'm working on at the moment. I've never posted asking for feedback before, so I hope this is the place to do it.

I dare you to out in the middle of the night,
When the owls are hootin’ and the sky’s dark blue,
When safety of sight is a vague memory,
When nobody’s around to judge what you do

Faced with the shadows of a long distant foe
From the beginning of time we’ve all feared the fight,
With no more than a torch and wearing nothing but clothes,
I dare you to go out in the middle of the night
And it’s cold, it’s cold, it’s cold!

I dare you to go out in the middle of the night,
When your legs get tangled with thistles and thorns,
When fellow villagers hide in their homes
When you’re freezing cold, while their nice ‘n warm

Faced with the shadows of a long distant foe
From the beginning of time we’ve all feared the fight,
With no more than a torch and wearing nothing but clothes,
I dare you to go out in the middle of the night
And it’s cold, it’s cold, it’s cold!

I dare you to go out in the middle of the night,
When you worry you’ll tread on the honey bee’s hive,
When you sing to yourself now the birds have all ceased,
When you think about death even though you’re alive

Faced with the shadows of a long distant foe
From the beginning of time we’ve all feared the fight,
With no more than a torch and wearing nothing but clothes,
I dare you to go out in the middle of the night
And it’s cold, it’s cold, it’s cold!

I dare you to out in the middle of the night,
When the moon shows his face and the sun’s gone away,
When each crack of a stick makes you jump up with fright,
When all you want is to see the next day

Faced with the shadows of a long distant foe
From the beginning of time we’ve all feared the fight,
With no more than a torch and wearing nothing but clothes,
I dare you to go out in the middle of the night
And it’s cold, it’s cold, it’s cold!

[BooBoo]

This is really good! There are some great lines in this such as "when the moon shows his face and the sun goes away". Brings out the image they're alive! Good work!

[terrysains]

I really enjoyed this, a different subject based on our fear of the dark or the unknown.
Great lines indeed: When you sing to yourself now the birds have all ceased,
                             When you think about death even though you’re alive.

Baffled about melody? Be interesting to watch the song grow. Well done. Terry.

[GTB]

Hi, this seems like a great piece of poetry, rather than a song.  It looks like 8 verses, or perhaps four pairs of verse plus chorus maybe.  Nothing says you can't do that though, keep the same structure all the way through, but it could be a challenge to put music to it like that.  With all those words there's little room to add more for a chorus or bridge too.  I'll be interested to know how you take it forward.  Good luck.
GTB

[benjo]

hey there,

i totally agree with GTB,
not much i can add to that nice though
take care...

[Jess]

There's lots of lovely imagery in this one and I like the repetition of the title throughout the song. My only comment would be the length, there is no rule saying you can't have a long song but I think the verse-chorus-verse-chorus-verse etc thing might get a little bit boring for the listener, unless the melody was really fast, but then that would take away the meaning of the lyrics...it's a toughie. I got a Carrie Underwood 'blown away' vibe from this song so I'd love to see which direction you take it in.

[Sing4me88]

Not short on imagery or good lines. I could actually imagine this as a spoken poem/song with music in the background on a Halloween movie- don't ask me why I think it might be the dark vibe of the song. I love the fact that the sky is dark blue rather than black! An original line for an original song about an original topic!

[Innominate]

Very strong use of imagery, this song needs that to evoke the right amount of emotion. You use the repetition of the title line very well as a poetic device and it sets a good rhythm. I feel however, that there are two things missing from this work.

The first is a genuine sense of menace or fear. Right now I don't really feel frightened or worried at all. The threats you pose are underwhelming: bee hives, lack of singing birds, some briar patches. So what? I've been out at night on numerous occasions and none of your antagonists were concerns. In fact some are kind of cute or humorous to consider stumbling into, honey bees are pleasant and useful, I like owls and prickly bushes are easily avoided. Where are the spiders and wolves, the snakes and creatures of myth that become possible when you're actually scared?

"Faced with the shadows of a long distant foe
From the beginning of time we’ve all feared the fight,"

This line indicates the threat of night is an ancient one, something our ancestors felt too? However, in a modern context, it really isn't applicable. Most of us live in safe, well lit urban areas where the threats we face are far more unlikely and much different than before. The cold is a nuisance by today's standards, so if that was your big antagonist, for me it falls flat. Plus I like the winter so the cold can be kinda cozy. But that's all from the safety of home. You have to pull us from the safety of our modern world, set us into a place where we can feel the same fear our forebearers did. Unless i'm missing the point and the danger in this song is just the cold?

The second thing is a change up from rhythm. Your lines are long, the stanzas long and the pattern repeats the same in the verse as the chorus. This isn't a bad thing but it can very easily become exhausting and boring. If you keep the pattern, the words needs to be much more compelling. Use of cliffhanger phrases and more of a story than the use of  general descriptions you have could be used to do that. As a song, without a contrasting, pattern breaking section(usually the chorus or bridge), i'm skeptical about how effective this song will be.

So I think a better invocation of menace and fear would help and a palate cleansing section of contrasting rhythm would help break up the tiring pattern you have so far. Good luck with it!

[lauriewood95]

Thanks for all the feedback!

I have already written the music, so that won't be a problem. I nearly always write the music before the lyrics.

My worry is that the song may get boring, but unfortunately I can't see how I can add a bridge to this song without it being completely out of place. I'll have a play around, though.

I'm planning on doing this with a number of instruments/effects, which should work well.

Thanks for the very informative and helpful comment, Innominate. I understand what you mean, but I think what I was trying to do was find objects that wouldn't usually be scary, but in the middle of the night they become so. I could add a few lyrics about conventionally terrifying things elsewhere, almost as asides.

[seriousfun]

When i read this, i was very impressed with the quality of the writing. You have a lot of very good lines and some lovely imagery. Looking at each verse in isolation, and also the chorus for that matter, they all work very well. As a whole however i feel that the lyric doesnt actually take the listener on  jouney anywhere. This makes your chorus somewhat ineffectual as it lacks a theme to some up.

I am left with the feeling that every verse and the chorus are saying the same thing albiet in a different way. You might get away with this in a short song but something this long needs a developing theme or storyline.

Perhaps you could seperate out the verses to deal with different challenges,
V1 to set up the story..  what you have works here.
V2 to dare him to battle his fears - his terror his doubts
V3 maybe how he overcomes his fearsor how he runs for home


This would then allow you to write a chorus to support you song rather than appear as a repeated verse.

As a poem tbis is a really nice write but as a song it needs a focus. From what you have written i can see that you are capable of turning this into a very good song. I hate to sound negative with what i have written but what i see is so much writting ability just needing a bigger picture perspective.

Best of luck
Allan.

[Thomas Frederick]

This is full of descriptive and rich line after line - very impressive!
I do get the sense that it is slightly like a poem, as GTB said, but there's nothing wrong with that!