[Neil C]

Here's v2 https://soundcloud.com/neilconnor-2/little-gameshow-master-11-june updated based on feedback.

Here's some very early recording of joint work between Kayles, Grimbo and myself which I cobbled together this morning, and could really doing with some initial feedback on the song.

Its a 70's style piano ballad, I'm thinking Elton/ Without You/Adele.

https://soundcloud.com/neilconnor-2/al-the-game-demo-may-2013

Specifically what do you think of the tune: its structure, lyrics, melody etc. please don't worry about the performance or production - there isn't any, suggestions around arrangement would be good too.
Oh and lastly what do you think it should be titled?

Thanks in anticipation

Neil

[Dutchbeat]

the chords ans song are very ok

a song that is seriously nice, but the arrangment for some reason kept me wonder

but it is all there

YES! towards the end, that really is the feelin

[Kayles86]

Sounding good neil

[Sing4me88]

Liking the chords and melody. Certainly has that early Elton feel to it. IMO powerful female vocals could ignite this into a power ballad type song. Great work and seems to be a great foundation to build to completion on

[montydog]

You have recorded your vocals beautifully - they really spring out of my speakers. This takes a few listens before it starts to come together. It's a grower, not an instant catchy tune. Subtle and laid back. It reminded me of Carol King rather than Elton John. I think you need to keep the arrangement/instrumentation in just a supportive role as you have with this demo - let the song speak for itself. I would prefer a lusher strings effect rather than the rather harsh synth sound you've gone for here. It's classy stuff, Neil.

[ShinyThang]

I can hear a nice song in here. I got more Gilbert O' Sulivan in need of Prozac at my end. I think you need to get the vocal more melodic and less wavering. Well, I mean I think you possibly have a better melody than you are actually singing perhaps due to fears of reaching the notes? I don't know. Very fetching sniff at the start BTW

Nice interplay between guitar and piano around 3.30 which is still 2.5 mins from the end! and Yet I hadn't noticed that so, I guess it doesn't feel as long as it is. Let's chalk that up with the positives.

Does get a little ploddy after a while but it is helped off the ground by the strings. Harmonies would lift it more I think.

Good lyric which I, unfortunately, can empathise with.

[seriousfun]

I can deffinately say you have some potential in this song. But its not working as it is, I hope you don't mind me saying this.

The lyrics look really good, so I wouldn't worry about those at this point unless they become the weakness. OMG when we write there is always a weakness. I am currently laughing out loud at myself. I write a song and I identify its strengths and weaknesses and work on it and next thing you know what I thought were strengths are now weaknesses. But I guess that's what we are all trying to do to produce the very best that we can. But I digress......

The lyrics look good. really good in fact. The melody, nothing wrong there mate. But it just wasn't working in my book. As mentioned earlier it was plodding, ( not when you had the short guitar solo though, didn't plod there. )  That makes me wonder if its not to clinical in the timing of the piano? Perhaps a little swing in there?

One of the things I always ask myself when a song isn't quite there is key or tempo?  normally its one of the two. This has got the bones but IMHO I might look at rising the tempo or getting or more flowing feel into the piano. I think it would lift the song.

But its a good song, I liked it just it could be so much more.

[terrysains]

Pleasant, a bit too personal maybe, potential without a doubt. Title: I don't want you I need you.
Terry.

[habiTat]

I like the melody, it's quite Beatlesy It think, very simple and matter of fact, with a hint of madness.

I think it needs to have some more variation though, more identifiable sections to hold the listener, maybe it needs to build and build throughout, kind of rise and fall and it moves along. I'm struggling to be more specific but I think it would benefit from that.

Good luck with it, it's great to see a collab going on

[Kafla]

Hey Neil,

I really liked this one - a lot

I think 'Little Gameshows' is quite a good title

As for the arrangement - it works fine - it veers into Beatles territory as it progresses - I was hearing a Burt Bacharach vibe in my head - with some nice trumpets or brass

I have also noticed when you sing you produce very short notes , almost just singing the word then stopping dead- I know you are not extremely confident as a singer but if you just extended the odd note here or there - just to put a bit of variety in and place emphasis on your phrases or words it would make a difference

But this is a clever, complex song and I really enjoyed it 

[GTB]

Hi Neil,  great song, you could call it "more" (Oliver Twist asking for more...).  The style reminds me a lot of Ian Drury (god bless him).  I liked the slight build up on the keyboards around 2:20 I think, was hoping it might come to a bigger crescendo though.  My impression is that with all those words in more or less the same melody you need to throw in more instruments as go along to draw the listener back - it's not that the lyrics can't hold one's attention but peoples attention is so fickle ;-) Lovely song though.
GTB

[Neil C]

Thanks for the feedback.
I was worried it was too long and but repetitive but felt it had some promise. It was a very early clunky sketch with me trying to match lyrics to melody to tune on the piano, which I haven't played for a while. So what you heard was me as I learnt the song so thanks for bearing with me, I just need some external input which I got,  which is really, really helpful.

So the lyrics are fine and the underlying song generally works however the key to success will be in the arrangement and performance to ensure enough variation in melody and backing track, and in the vocals to hold interest. It needs to flow a bit more rhythmically and piano needs to play rather than plod! Going to have a serious look at strings and things..
Little Gameshow sound good title too.
Thanks again

Neil
 

[Michael]

I think those very subtle, short piano chords in the beginning are a cool way to start the song. They make the listener expect the song to really take off shortly after. For me that happened too late though, at 2:18.
So my main suggestion is to get those strings and guitars starting way earlier.

I like the chord progression played in the beginning. It reminds me of something, but I can't put my finger on it.

There are some really cool guitar licks in there too - lot's of potential to build on, just needs a bit of restructuring of the arrangement and you're there

[Neil C]

Here's a second version trying to build on the feedback, keeping the essence of the tune and addressing some of the points.
So its both a bit faster and up a key, and I've worked hard on the strings - thanks Tone for the pointer http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/songwriters-resources/improve-your-string-arrangements/

https://soundcloud.com/neilconnor-2/little-gameshow-master-11-june

It's still WIP ( drums, solo section and vocals ) but I think significantly improved. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Neil

[crystalsuzy]

This is really very lovely Neil...lyrically very honest and poetic...really like what the strings are doing...still feels like it needs some harmony to give it more dynamics...maybe when you come in with 'you always mess inside my head'...also I think if you sang the phrases less chopped off and more sustained, it might sound better in this type of ballad...it needs to feel pretty smooth, I think...lovely little guitar solo...I don't mind the title, although I don't think it really reflects what the song is about...'My heart's in my hand for you' might work, but it might be a little long ...nice stuff...thanks for sharing