[S.T.C]

Poetry time(sort of lyrics) bit Shakespearian ..but hey-ho.

https://soundcloud.com/songsthatcry/poem-the-voices

in all the shallow lights
that early morning brings

and bird song from the outer
edge of darkness lingers

i cast a spiteful eye upon
another`s ring, coddled on
a jealous finger

i tried to look less rueful
not because of lovers pain

but hide myself behind a shadow
and lie to distract attentions gain

In torment i did rip rip away
until the core  exposed became

there were voices talking back
asking, did i find what cuts asunder

with blood run chill and eyes of thunder
i loosed the beast that takes me under

i now lean heavy and cold as pole
sulking in my deepest hole

never hence did i stray
or sleep upon another`s hay

[BooBoo]

This all rhymes really well. Thought it was good but is it just meant to be a poem? A bit short of not. I do like it though!

[S.T.C]

This all rhymes really well. Thought it was good but is it just meant to be a poem? A bit short of not. I do like it though!

Yes just a poem...i write poems as well as lyrics,,,but hey if anyone can sing it their welcome

[seriousfun]

You certainly have a way with words my friend. Lovely pictures in this prose, really enjoyed the read.

Allan.

[Stylus]

I'm Envious!  I cant do Poems....I'm jealous!    Superb  words with great momentum  Ace!

[habiTat]

Hey STC,

Really nice work my friend... 'coddled'...'asunder'... great words 

Aren't all songs just poems? I reckon all poems are just unfinished songs..

I'd definitely try to put this to music, if you maintain the rhythm of the verses you'd have a great medieval type song I reckon.

hab..

[Kafla]

As usual STC you write some pretty powerful stuff

But you never pay any attention to a structure  - even as a poem the stanzas don't follow any kind of rhythm

It frustrates me so much to have all that potential talent and just be so careless , so hashy bashy about everything

Seriously man do you ever review and refine your writing at all?

I am sorry for being so negative but I think you are a big wasted talent - you write so many good lines

Even when we worked on ' touch your sky ' I asked you to write a second verse and it was a completely different structure to the 1st verse

You could be amazing my friend - absolutely amazing 

[S.T.C]

As usual STC you write some pretty powerful stuff

But you never pay any attention to a structure  - even as a poem the stanzas don't follow any kind of rhythm

It frustrates me so much to have all that potential talent and just be so careless , so hashy bashy about everything

Seriously man do you ever review and refine your writing at all?

I am sorry for being so negative but I think you are a big wasted talent - you write so many good lines

Even when we worked on ' touch your sky ' I asked you to write a second verse and it was a completely different structure to the 1st verse

You could be amazing my friend - absolutely amazing 

 What have we here, laddie? Mysterious scribblings? A secret code? No! Poems, no less! Poems, everybody!
 The laddie reckons himself a poet!

"Money get back / I'm all right, Jack / Keep your hands off my stack / New car / Caviar / Four star daydream / Think I'll buy me a football team." Absolute rubbish, laddie.

It`s not meant to rhyme like a limerick... but.i will read and record it..and see if your right!!

No i don`t refine a lot.. but i more or less feel comfortable with what i write..and there`s always something else to be getting on with..ain`t there.

[Kafla]

You don't need to record it

Read this


and bird song from the outer
edge of darkness lingers

i cast a spiteful eye upon
another`s ring, coddled on
a jealous finger

i tried to look less rueful
not because of lovers pain

Surely you can see there is no pattern at all ?

I only bring it up because I care - I really mean that

But I really , really struggle to get my head around your structures

[Kafla]

Btw

Are there any queers in the audience tonight?

 

[S.T.C]

No ,i will read it,,,but not tonight,,,(downloaded life of pi and game of thrones,worked ,feeling knacked and got some beers)..

it`s how you raise and drop some of the final words on a sentence, plus pausing that will make it work and make sense......i think

And what`s more i`m still pretty new to all this and sailing uncharted waters.

Just listening to this again...what a man ,what a poet.

[Kafla]

Enjoy mate

Just finished the life of PI book - pretty outstanding

And game of thrones - love that series

😁😁😁😁

[S.T.C]

You don't need to record it

Read this


and bird song from the outer
edge of darkness lingers

i cast a spiteful eye upon
another`s ring, coddled on
a jealous finger

i tried to look less rueful
not because of lovers pain

Surely you can see there is no pattern at all ?

I only bring it up because I care - I really mean that

But I really , really struggle to get my head around your structures

Lingers rhymes with finger

Pain rhymes with gain(in the next line)

All i can say is, don`t read like a set of instructions , like  on something you bought from B&Q..

or `the boy stood on the burning deck is legs where all a quiver//etc

Read it like you were in a play...and there lines..that you need to put life into?

Yes(reply to your last message_




[/quote]

[Kafla]

You don't need to record it

Read this


and bird song from the outer
edge of darkness lingers

i cast a spiteful eye upon
another`s ring, coddled on
a jealous finger

i tried to look less rueful
not because of lovers pain

Surely you can see there is no pattern at all ?

I only bring it up because I care - I really mean that

But I really , really struggle to get my head around your structures

Lingers rhymes with finger

Pain rhymes with gain(in the next line)

All i can say is, don`t read like a set of instructions , like  on something you bought from B&Q..

or `the boy stood on the burning deck is legs where all a quiver//etc

Read it like you were in a play...and there lines..that you need to put life into?

Yes(reply to your last message_

[/quote]

Oh boy

I wasn't talking about rhyming - I was talking about rhythm

Many of Shakespeare's sonnet follow iambic pentameter - even limerick's although you mock have a defined rhythm & syallable count

I think your response illustrates that you really don't get this point at all

I am trying to help and review your work critically - I am not saying for a second that I am any better than you - far from it - you would find it very hard to write a consistent and memorable melody to much of your work

So unless you join the 'play writers ' forum I would think a little about this

 

[Stylus]

Hi    Just a bit of  Diplomacy........It would be nice to be  nice,  subjective & maintain some kind of amicable comradery  on  this thread.     Its  someones lyrics?  sometimes.. someones song?  They are creations  & perhaps mutual respect...tolerances should be encouraged..witheld?  The sun is out..
Music,lyrics   should be fun.....should be  'feel good'   should be friendly.  Please?  for  little ole' me?

                                                     Have a nice day..............  Stylus