[calmlondon]

Hey guys,

Got a rough work in progress. I don't have my fancy guy vocals or production, just my raw vocals and my own garageband outline. It's worth risking feedback so I can polish the song before I hand it over to the pros.  Keen to hear your thoughts on melody, what kind of production would suit - what needs sorting out.  I know I need to work out better intros, bridge and outro.

Thanks again.

The song is about the moon and a lake, as an analogy for unrequited love - and the desire for intimacy.

https://soundcloud.com/michelleapatrick/lake-eileen-1


Lake Eileen


I sit a while with Lake Eileen,
on ground that is uneven.
Yet who could contain my Eileen,
and still remain even.

She knows how to be,
alone with her dreams.

The silence never ends,
and her surface never breaks.
Not even for me, not even for me.

I dream she washes over me,
she struggles free and comes to me.
While the city streets are sleeping,
it's my company she seeks.

Who knows what she sees,
alone with her dreams.


The silence never ends,
and her surface never breaks.
Not even for me, not even for me

Under the dark sky, I am mesmerized.
Under the moonlight my love rests tonight.
In my embrace, in my embrace.

[S.T.C]

Your singings ok

It`s at 2.35 which is short.so needs another minute?

I like how youv`e set it out and the story,,,lyrically it`s poetic..

Don`t really know what else to say..@ the moment.

[seriousfun]

Lovely lyrics, especially like the way you treat the lake as a person. The piano is real nice but I feel you need more counterpoints. I heard some small guitar touches toward the end, I would perhaps bring those in earlier and build them as the song progresses. Maybe a string section for the chorus and maybe a short section of lone cello could add so me nice atmospheric touches around the bridge.

Nice song though michelle and I am defo interested to see where this goes.

[Neil C]

Nice to hear your voice, which has a lovely delicate quality.
Good title and words.The verse, middle and main chorus melodically are really fine.
A few small thoughts:
At 0.24 I'd delay the meter of 'even'
Around 0.59 I'd vary the second 'not even for me' and end up on the root note rather than the 3rd(?)
On the 2nd verse at 1.21 I think you can leave the gap between your words like you did in the first set.
And at 1.55 I'm note sure about the melody attached to 'under the dark skys'  I wanted you to repeat the pre and chorus to end up on the 'not even for me' and fade out on those to chords. Would those words fit?
Quality

Neil 


 

[crystalsuzy]

Hi CL...really lovely...the lyrics and melody take me to a very sweet place...this dance between the

lake and the moon is so intimate, yet so universal...I really like what you've done with it; even as a

raw production...I also really like the sound of your voice on this one...it's so soft and unassuming and

suits this song...can't wait to hear it polished(but not too much)

[Dutchbeat]

nice, very subtle and beautiful

you are good, CalmLondon

perhaps a more steady bass towards the end, some bit of steady deep groove???

just a thought

[ShinyThang]

I always feel unqualified to comment on your work CalmLondon but I always want to. Such high quality from the get-go and so many elements I wish I'd come up with myself. This one is gorgeous. Another special song. It's great to hear your own voice up front. One or two notes get the better of you but I think your voice has a nice, silky quality. Not thin but perhaps just a little ... small. I think you may be holding back a little? You do get great results from your session musicians but I reckon you could do a good job of this one by yourself. Perhaps if you knew yours was going to be the final vox and not just a demo for the pros?
I'm not sure I like the well, what is it, the first sound a sort of guitar sound played a bit like a piano? It runs right through the track and I feel it seems to be hurrying it along. I feel taking this out would leave a more spacious and relaxed sound created by the strings, the piano and the guitar just popping in now and then. A nice soft bass is probably the only other sound I'd like to hear in there but I'd also like to see the guitar getting a little more limelight. It sounds like it's dying to get going a bit more.
Lyrically it is rock solid. Sticking to the theme of deep contemplation with no outward signs (well, that's what I get anyway) Only changing state in the narrator's dream. There's just one line my brain wants different and that is 'it's my company she seeks' which I hear as 'it's my company she's seeking'.

[calmlondon]

Hello crew,

Feedback means a lot as always, and you're a lovely bunch of people. I take your comments seriously.

The piano track will defo get shelved when I rework the demo - but will introduce a more light touch piano as advised. The piano got on my nerves too.

Dutchbeat - would appreciate a steer on how I could work a beat into a track like this. Beats are your forte, and I had a go but couldn't find a groove to work.

CS - I might lose my voice as I don't do singing.... but might seek a subtle vocalist do keep it gentle. It's not like a have a 10 man crew to call on, but I'll try and find a local muso who doesn't mind a doing vocals for a nice bottle of plonk. Thanks buddy.

Neil, appreciate you getting into the details of what needs sorting. Agree and will fix that and feature the guitars a lot more. Cheers.

ShinyThang...  you're always so kind to me and you are so qualified to comment on anyone's work, nevermind mine. I'll lose the dodgy piano and also had a nice soft bass in mind. Good spot.

Seriousfun - yes to your comments.

Songsthatcry - I still have your lyrics in mind for that other track. Not forgotten.

[flossie]

I love your music!

I think it's very beautiful and I would add another chorus at the end as it's too short and I want to hear more.  I think you, yourself should do the vocal as it adds such an innocent and vulnerable quality to the song - it's part of it's charm.  I

 think you could go one of two ways, you could do an Emile sande Clowns type of thing, with a really rich piano and some strings (make sure the piano sounds real) or you could turn this a bit more country which I think would work really well too.

Well done though
x

[S.T.C]

Well iv`e had a few more listens....

I did write earlier and then deleted...that i don`t think you should give this to your guy to do....i`m still not sure if i don`t stick by that....i think a voice like yours is perfect for this tune.

This ideally needs an orchestra and choir with it ..(anyone)..

I think you`ve conjured up something  that`s beautiful and elegant with a lot of promise.......

I like the lake metaphor .

[fischermans]

Hello Michelle
Sorry but I also think you should do the vocals yourself as your voice is perfect for the song.
Btw very nice song.I love it. When you don´t like it anymore I take it as my own.
Hear from you Alexander

[montydog]

Initial thoughts on first hearing are that the guitar is lovely and I'd like to hear more of it, the songs too short but it's definitely worth working on. The chord structure, melody, vocals and production are great. I'm not keen on rhyming "even" with "uneven" in the first verse - that jars a little on my ears but otherwise it's a lovely thing indeed.