[joetattie]

Edit:
Just an update guys. Here's a fuller version of the song.
https://soundcloud.com/joemcelhone/all-i-wanted-new-demo
Of course it's not finished yet, and there's a few niggly bits, such as flat vocals, a messy guitar solo, and going overboard with my wah-wah pedal. But have a look and see what you think.

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https://soundcloud.com/joemcelhone/all-i-wanted-demo

I was playing along with an Oasis song on my guitar, and it got to the solo, and i'm terrible for solos, so I was playing the rhythm, and the chords they were playing underneath the chorus were pretty cool, so I decided to try and see what I could come up with. Paused it, and instantly a melody came in my head.

(Edit: I'll just clarify, that the only chords taken from the song were the B-A-E used in the verses, I'm not evil.)

I forgot about the song until I was at a friends where I had stayed over night writing and recording a few of our own songs, I woke up early, and picked up his acoustic, and decided to try and write a second verse, and a kinda chorusy bit that really is more of a bridge.

Because we had all the equiptment set up from the night before, I was able to reel this one off in one take as soon as I finished writing it, so there is a part where I forget the words.

It's probably my most popesque song, and it's quite a vunerable sound, (I'm used to layering vocals behind lots of reverb), but well, here it is.

Get your crackers out, because there's a lot of cheese here.

"All I wanted to do,
Was tell her I love her,
But I know that,
We can never be together.

Now my life's cloudy,
Whatever the weather,
Loneliness ain't too bad,
Unless you live forever.

And it feels like I do.

Now I feel really down,
Even if it's sunny,
They say you can buy lovers,
But I ain't got the money.

All my friends laugh,
They think it's funny,
That there exists a person,
That can be as lonely.

As I am.

A life without you,
Just doesn't bare thinking about,
And I know,
That there ain't no doubt,
That I need to find a way,
To be you're man,
'Cause if I can't have you,
Then no one can."

[Dutchbeat]

sounds good to me!

sticks to mind right away (which i think is a good sign)

guitar sounds much too harsh in this recording, in my opinion, but you recorded this just like, sort out of the hip (excuse my bad English)

if i understand correctly

but some more instrumentation, bass, and drums...yes, this could be a very cool track

[ShinyThang]

Lots of words and a couple of lines that needed a shoe horn to get them in there but you managed it ... almost I like the opening B-B-B-D thing and I really like the 'And it feels like I do' & 'As I am ' lines that break up the verses very nicely. As I played along my fingers refused to play the F-G-A sequence and slipped up a tone to G-A-B which I think works much better. Sorry, that's probably a bit rude of me but that E to F change just doesn't sound right.

Good basis for a song but I was a bit disturbed by the last two lines of the chorus/bridge thing.

[Sing4me88]

Very good bare bones here. Really sounds like a good Indie track at the minute and there is so much potential to take it further with a full production with bass, drums etc. I got a Killers sorta vibe of this when listening to i so that's gotta be good surely?

[Neil C]

One take recording, you're braver than me, but what's good is it really means the song has to stand up for itself and it does. It lively, I liked the guitar chords and the melody of the verse.
Thoughts: I guess the 'And I feel like I do' and 'As i am' are essentially the hook and need to stand out. I'm with Dutchbeat re the middle section, the change of key is a bit odd and the melody is a bit plain and lacking in variation.
Interested to see how it develops.

Nei
 

[joetattie]

Thanks for all the input guys! As you saw, it was just off the hip, as correctly put in Dutchbeat. I'm really pleased you enjoyed it, and your strong words speak wonders to my confidence!
Of course in the future I will put more instrumentation behind it, and I'll be taking into consideration all of your inputs.

The whole "A life with out you... blah blah" was written just before I recorded it, (as was the intro, so thank you ShinyThang), So there's a lot that could be done to improve that part especially, and listening back, I do agree with moving it up a tone, the only worry I originally had was trying to fit it back into the song, and by finishing on E, would it sound out of place? "G-A-B, G-A-B, G-A-B, G-A-E"?

But thank you very much for the input, and I hope to hear more!

[seriousfun]

Yup I think this has some promise. Nice chord progressions and a melody to work with. One thing I found out of place is the last line of the song 'cause if I can't have you, no one can'. This line almost implies you are planning to kill the girl. To bring that up in the last line of a song doesn't work IMHO. Unless I have misinterpreted the line but I don't see how else you ensure that no one else can get the girl. If you can rework this ending and give some sort of closure to e story I think you would be better off. The other thing that you could consider is try and take the song somewhere cause the entire message of the song is really imparted in the first verse and the remaining verses seem too just say the same thing in different words.

[darreldo]

i like it, im just a little concerned that you are rushing the 3rd and 4th lines of the verses into the song though,
Liking the chords though, take sometime to have a better recording and re-post, its got legs has this song.

[Binladeda]

Hey Joe ....Well, I like the way you attack the guitar.....sure it sounds a bit 'harsh' at times, but that can be sorted further down the line.  Don't lose that energy.  I think the structure is almost there, and the arrangement should 'reveal' itself when you start adding more instruments. You have a good voice and deliver the vocals very well......stick at it, this has great potential.  good work

[teprometo13]

Wow! So much energy!

The only thing I would say is it is bear and not bare!

I really liked the "unless you live forever." That was the strongest part!

Well done!

[joetattie]

Thanks for all the comments everyone! It's really helped! I've actually started playing it the G-A-B way rather than F-G-A way.

And I've got an idea for some more lyrics, which I'll get sorted at some point. I'll look to getting this recorded sometime next week, and stick it here for you all to hear. Hopefully it'll carry the same momentum that this track has.

And Binladeda, thank you for your kind words! I personally think that it sounds like I need to clear my throat for most of the song, and I'm pretty sure I'm flat the whole way through! It's a shame though, because the mic I'll be recording it with this next time, is a lot poorer quality than the one on this track, so we'll just have to see how it turns up.

But thanks again! Keep the criticism coming, and I'll see if I can meet everyone's approval with the fuller version.

[joetattie]

Just an update guys. Here's a fuller version of the song.
https://soundcloud.com/joemcelhone/all-i-wanted-new-demo
Ofcourse it's not finished yet, and there's a few niggly bits, such as flat vocals, a messy guitar solo, and going overboard with my wah-wah pedal. But have a look and see what you think.

[habiTat]

Just listened to the demo, then stuck the new version on, what a difference!!

It has a 60's feel to my ear, possibly mixed with a 90's britpop feel.

I really like it, great job.

I'm struggling to think of anywhere to improve it. 

hab..

[Dutchbeat]

YEAH!

I listened to that updated version just now


and its sounds extremely cool, totally cool

this could be one of the better songs from the rolling stones

and yes, i mean this as a huge compliment

of course...because it is all there, the riff, the solo, the attitude, the to-the point drum pattern

and the song!

cooooooollll

[joetattie]

I really am terrible at checking up on this, but thank you ever so much habiTat and Dutchbeat. Such positive feedback for a fairly sloppy track.

habiTat: The song started from playing along to an Oasis song, so I think that's most definitely where the Britpop feel's come from, and the sixties sound, is something I've been longing for, for quite some time, so I'm delighted to hear that comparison.

Dutchbeat: The energy in your reply is phenomenal! I kinda want to DANCE and SHOUT! haha The Rolling Stones comparison, as you said, is a HUGE compliment, and the breakdown of appreciation is marvellous!

Thanks so much guys, these comments, are truly delightful and inspirational!

[Insert a dozen more buzzwords here]