The guitar work on this is very nice. The melody line is also good, though obviously with a few pitchy notes, but as a songwriting piece I felt you need to develop the lyrics a bit more. A rock song can often get away with very few lyrics and lots of repitition but a slower, acoustic number such is this is heavily reliant on the lyrical content. What you have offered here is good but there needs to be more of it.
I would look at doubling the lyrical content at least and you should be getting close to where you need to be. See if you can get a story out of it rather than just stringing thoughts and feelings together. This will help capture the listener and draw them more into the song itself.
It may also help to change to a lower key as this may suit your voice better. When I first started writing I wrote a song which I thought was a real beauty but I could never seem to get the vocal right and I ended up shelving it. Some years later I went back to it and changed the key and B I N G O it suddenly worked. Second thing is when you are singing, find a quiet room where nobody can hear you and let go. It is impossible to sing when you are consious of others hearing you until you are very confident. You sounded hesitant with your singing and this will not help and infact will only further subtract from your confidence. Get alone, and really sing and you will be surprised at the improvement especially if your drop the key of the song.
This is a good first up effort, great guitar play, nicely chosen melody and good lyrics - just not enough of them.
Allan.
