Songwriter Forum > Feedback on Works in Progress
Under a Train - Work in progress
calmlondon:
Hi guys,
I'e got the rough outline for a song on a skeleton arrangement here, it's a bit plodding right now and not finished yet. The song drifts from the second verse, so I'm going to work on sorting the structure and arrangement next couple of weeks. My chord progressions are stuck in real rut and I always lose direction after the second verse. Not very good from that point on. It's hard when you get stuck on a section though.
Anyway, I'm keen to hear your feedback as always, before the song is set in stone.
https://soundcloud.com/michelleapatrick/under-a-train-work-in-progress
Under A Train
I fell under a train, on St Swithin's Day.
I was heading out of town, almost on my way.
We waited impatiently, in a familiar place.
I saw the train arrive, when someone stepped into my space.
I heard the people cry, no I never could walk a straight line.
A grace came over me, I knew it was my time.
I could feel I was crossing over, it was a beautiful free fall.
As I walked that Holy trail, I knew I wasn't leaving you.
From behind that Holy veil, I knew I wasn't leaving you.
I could feel I was crossing over, it was a beautiful free fall.
I could feel I was crossing over,
I could feel I was crossing over.
By the way, I'm not the singer. The amazing vocals on all my demos are courtesy of Andy Wilshire. He is available for session work in the South East/London - is really reasonable and always lifts the track. If you're looking for a session singer, contact Andy on.
enquiries@andywilshersings.co.uk
Also, if you are looking for a songwriter demo, reasonable rates for studio hire, the lovely guy who normally does my demos can be contacted via Andy (they'll work a demo for you), or you can contact Lloyd directly for studio time/using your own vocals.
lloyd scott <lloydbentleyscott@hotmail.co.uk>
Neil C:
CalmL, I've listened to it a few times and understand your point. There's lot of nice bits but it doesn't add up to anything yet. I started to try and work out the musical sections and the structure to see what's really happening to the song but stopped confused after a minute and a half.? I really like the first lines ( from 12 sec to 22 ) and expected them to repeat but it kept on moving. Musically which is the chorus? The situation is made worse by the fantastic singer who makes everything sound great.
Suggestions I'd start with a long hard look at the structure and simplify it ( intro, verse, chorus whatever ) repeating the good stuff so the listener is hooked, by playing it over and over again with guitar or piano, and then have another go at recording it.
Loved the first set of lines too.
Its really interesting to see WIP and how you deal with it going forward. If i cant solve solve something I tend to put it one side and get on with something else and then come back to it later with a fresh perspective or new inspiration.
Hope this helps and good luck.
:)
Neil
terrysains:
Not clever enough to offer advice on music, but I could suggest title change to 'took the train' or 'I took the train today' which will surprise the listener when you go under!
I wish you well. Terry sains.
calmlondon:
Heya Neil, you're spot on as usual. The thing is, all my songs are a slog and I want to run away from the graft bit, if I'm being honest. Part of me still believes that for a song to stack up, it needs to roll out perfectly formed and work from the get go. But I'd have no songs if I waited for the perfectly formed song to materialise...
The plus is, I'm coming around to accepting that I'll have to work hard to improve my half baked ideas. The forum review is great, because it holds a mirror up to the blind spots and weak spots as a writer - and that's the bit I'm coming to terms with now.
Right now, I'm p. off that for me, the ability to structure a song quickly is a real 'gap' in skills. I've got a ton of songs that I've parked because that blind spot frustrates me. I'll work on that... crack that bad attitude towards song structure problems. I'm also seeking out collaborators, who have better skills than me in that department.
Thanks Terry for your feedback also, I think that's a good idea.
I love this forum.
OldMan:
Hi calmlondon, Nice song, love the voice but don't sing to close to the limit of your range, you don't need to
OldMan
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