[calmlondon]

Hi guys,

I'e got the rough outline for a song on a skeleton arrangement here, it's a bit plodding right now and not finished yet. The song drifts from the second verse,  so I'm going to work on sorting the structure and arrangement next couple of weeks. My chord progressions are stuck in real rut and I always lose direction after the second verse. Not very good from that point on. It's hard when you get stuck on a section though.  


Anyway, I'm keen to hear your feedback as always, before the song is set in stone.

https://soundcloud.com/michelleapatrick/under-a-train-work-in-progress


Under A Train
  

I fell under a train, on St Swithin's Day.

I was heading out of town, almost on my way.

We waited impatiently, in a familiar place.

I saw the train arrive, when someone stepped into my space.



I heard the people cry, no I never could walk a straight line.

A grace came over me, I knew it was my time.

I could feel I was crossing over, it was a beautiful free fall.


As I walked that Holy trail, I knew I wasn't leaving you.

From behind that Holy veil, I knew I wasn't leaving you.


I could feel I was crossing over, it was a beautiful free fall.

I could feel I was crossing over,

I could feel I was crossing over.



By the way, I'm not the singer. The amazing vocals on all my demos are courtesy of Andy Wilshire. He is available for session work in the South East/London - is really reasonable and always lifts the track. If you're looking for a session singer, contact Andy on.

enquiries@andywilshersings.co.uk

Also, if you are looking for a songwriter demo, reasonable rates for studio hire, the lovely guy who normally does my demos can be contacted via Andy (they'll work a demo for you), or you can contact Lloyd directly for studio time/using your own vocals.

lloyd scott <lloydbentleyscott@hotmail.co.uk>

[Neil C]

CalmL, I've listened to it a few times and understand your point. There's lot of nice bits but it doesn't add up to anything yet. I started to try and work out the musical sections and the structure to see what's really happening to the song but stopped confused after a minute and a half.? I really like the first lines ( from 12 sec to 22 ) and expected them to repeat but it kept on moving. Musically which is the chorus? The situation is made worse by the fantastic singer who makes everything sound great.

Suggestions I'd start with a long hard look at the structure and simplify it ( intro, verse, chorus whatever ) repeating the good stuff so the listener is hooked, by playing it over and over again with guitar or piano, and then have another go at recording it.
Loved the first set of lines too. 
Its really interesting to see WIP and how you deal with it going forward. If i cant solve solve something I tend to put it one side and get on with something else and then come back to it later with a fresh perspective or new inspiration.
Hope this helps and good luck.

Neil 

[terrysains]

Not clever enough to offer advice on music, but I could suggest title change to 'took the train' or 'I took the train today' which will surprise the listener when you go under!
I wish you well. Terry sains.

[calmlondon]

Heya Neil,  you're spot on as usual.   The thing is, all my songs are a slog and I want to run away from the graft bit, if I'm being honest. Part of me still believes that for a song to stack up, it needs to roll out perfectly formed and work from the get go. But I'd have no songs if I waited for the perfectly formed song to materialise...

The plus is, I'm coming around to accepting that I'll have to work hard to improve my half baked ideas. The forum review is great, because it holds a mirror up to the blind spots and weak spots as a writer - and that's the bit I'm coming to terms with now.

Right now, I'm p. off that for me, the ability to structure a song quickly is a real 'gap' in skills. I've got a ton of songs that I've parked because that blind spot frustrates me.  I'll work on that... crack that bad attitude towards song structure problems.  I'm also seeking out collaborators, who have better skills than me in that department.

Thanks Terry for your feedback also, I think that's a good idea.

I love this forum.

[OldMan]

Hi calmlondon, Nice song, love the voice but don't sing to close to the limit of your range, you don't need to

OldMan

[fischermans]

Hello Michelle
Nice song I like it but you can arrange him better.If you ask me I would stop with the Piano chords from 1.42 to the end of the chorus and bring in another instrument.
Regards Alexander

[habiTat]

Very nice so far but I too see your point, it needs something.

It's like you have got verses and bridges but no real hooky chorus. I appreciate that you have a chorus as such but maybe you need to slot in something else, to take on the role of chorus, something that enables the vocal to soar and the song to climax (ooer  )

It needs to rise to something, then settle back down for the closing lines I think..

Good luck with it.

hab..

[man of simple pleasures]

i like the acoustic guitar and piano working together, it feels like its building up then it kinda just drifts along! theres a pretty good song in there somewhere am sure!

[seriousfun]

This is a bit of an enigma you have presented here Michelle. Lots and lots of good quality stuff here, ( I cant manage to write this much good quality stuff in three songs !! let alone one ), but.......   when you add it all up its smaller than the sum of the parts, go figger???

Lovely lyrics that really draw you in ( I love stories in songs )
Nice acoustic guitar, giving way to piano chords overlaid with strings - whats not to like.

Fantastic harmonies ( I knew I wasnt leaving you ) but just prior to that the vocals are starained reaching the high notes, and just after that there was a synth with a distracting pulsing sound, I would look at replacing that.

Ending with some wonderful acoustic picking, and harmonics. This part was just top draw then the song is over and I am left wondering what happened? it never grew.

I think it needs a punchy section with some percussion, a bit more on the bass and maybe some good rhythmic strings. I would look at adding that from Í could feel I was crossing over'  you could then go back to your accoustic session to finsh with a repeat of I could feel I was crossing over or new lyrics again whichever appealed.

But I do think it is the punch that the song lacks. I am sure we are all waiting for something to happen and the very fact that it doesnt leaves us feeling unfullfilled as a listener.

comment rider:  The author is no way qualified to make these comments and is infact a certified nutcase.

[montydog]

I agree with habitat. You've got verses and what could be a bridge and now you need a third part for it to take off and build on what you've got which is rather lovely. Having said that, I've heard many "finished" songs that are no where near as good as this in it's current form.

[S.T.C]

The quality of production almost carries the day...but there`s something missing...just needs more time..trial and error and i`m sure you will find what your looking for...it`s good,can be better.

[Dutchbeat]

great composition again. The only minor point in my opinion is that very high line, it sort of gets me out of the flow of the song, it sounds like it takes too much effort or something

i hope it is ok to say that

the lyrics are fantastic in my opinion

it is the kind of song that a very tight synthesizer arrangment (think of Yazoo) would really work well for, i think, with a sort of synthesizer sequenzer line running through it...ok, i know most people don't like that, but i just think this song would be really suitable for an arrangment in that direction

ok, i will shut up now 

[Sing4me88]

This is a nice song by all accounts. Some great foundations laid already, a very nice melody that flows easily with the lyrics.For me it seems that this is directed at the adult contemporary market and actually I think when completed it could work quite well in this regard. Great vocals that add to emotion of the song. I watched Marty Pellow of Wet,Wet,Wet fame on TV recently and I reckon a song like this would be perfect for that kinda artist.

[calmlondon]

Thanks everyone for the constructive critique, much appreciated as always.  I'm working with a fellow forum writer to restructure this track and look forward to playing it to you in a better form in due course. 

Cheers

calm (aka Michelle).

[Binladeda]

 Can't really say anything that I'm sure you don't already know    Except to say what a beautiful piece of songwriting......Moving   Your vocals are 'class'.  The accoustic lead at the end, works really well......hope there's more of it .  Looking forward to hearing more......thanks