[Chris_lightless]

Hi, i am always getting caught in some strange triangle, relationship-wise
So i just thought "why shouldnt i write a song about it ? " anyway
I would really like some feedback



( Intro)
Whenever he mistreats you oh no  dont cry  I´ll be there
Whenever he yells at you  oh no dont cry I´ll be there
Whenever he hits you oh no  dont cry i´ll be there

( Verse1 )
Sometimes, turning red in the face                                                            
Tears are streaming down
Wish I could kiss them away
Can't help to ask myself
How much more can you take
 
( pre Chorus )
So if I say i´ll show you  a whole different world
Who would you chose

( Chorus )
Oh Why would you chose him over me
Why would you chose him
Oh Why would you host your  falling sky
Your falling sky
Oh your own fallin´ sky

( Verse 2 )
Lately, spending time at my side
Smiles are showing off
Wish i could witness every day
But still attached to that guy
Can´t help to ask myself
How much longer will you last

( pre Chorus )
So if I say i´ll show you  a whole different world
Who would you chose

( Chorus )
Oh Why would you chose him over me
Why would you chose him
Oh Why would you host your  falling sky
Your falling sky
Oh your own fallin´ sky

(Verse 3)
Now, revealing  how i feel
Eyes are shining bright
Wish i could make you realize
But still drawn to him
Cant help to ask myself
How much deeper will you fall

( pre Chorus )
So if I say i´ll show you  a whole different world
Who would you chose

( Chorus )
Oh Why would you chose him over me
Why would you chose him
Oh Why would you host your  falling sky
Your falling sky
Oh your own fallin´ sky

( Outro )
Whenever he mistreats you oh no  dont cry  I´ll be there
Whenever he yells at you  oh no dont cry I´ll be there
Whenever he hits you oh no  dont cry i´ll be there

[calmlondon]

I think this is lyrically strong and especially think the pre chorus and chorus pack a punch.  Personally I'd lose the Intro, and also rework the 'red in the face' bit.  In the first verse you basically want to let the listener know that this girl is torn between a bad man and you.  Maybe start with

'Can't help but ask myself, how much more can you take? 
Wish I could be the one, to kiss those tears away'.
I could show you, show you a different world.
But still you choose him, over me.



Chorus
I would hold your falling sky.


Of course, not exactly that - but something that combines the strong aspects of your song.

[calmlondon]

Chris,

Just to counter my rather opinionated posts. Not meant to come over that way. I just got into your song, and as I write melody - I can't help but have a melody playing in my head when I read lyrics. That results in me editing lyrics to make it fit my melody. You'll have your own vision going on, so don't take my posts wrong.

good lyrics!

[Chris_lightless]

Calm,  dont apologize  posts are bound to produce some sort of advice or feedback

i know some lines are off and i thought about the first line so many times couldnt even sleep the last nights xD my head just starts kicking off lyric lines ^^
anyway i get your point i am already considering it... but it is hard to explain why i put it this way you got the basic about torn between a bad one ( her boyfriend)  and me... but this kind of situation isnt that simple... she was obvious meeting me and still had a boyfriend ....at the very beginning she was sadly touched by her current relationship "Sometimes, turning red in the face,Tears are streaming down" , we kept on meeting each other she began to change slowly "Lately, spending time at my side"
Smiles are showing off" ..."Now, revealing  how i feel ,Eyes are shining bright"...  thats why i decided to write it down this way ...  to your chorus advice ... i think if i would write" i would hold your falling sky", it wouldnt be right , cause´ she has to chose and the bad one is her falling sky i just cant hold up her sky its her choice to make  .... also i added the intro and outro because the whole triangle thing is kinda twisted , on one hand i just wanna help her and got feelings for her but still cant help myself but to get between their relationship at the other hand i would help her every time even if she chose him (feelings, cant see her cry makes me heartbroken )  thats why the intro and outro is the same... if you already got all of this nvm me anyways i am glad about your feedback ... thankfully chris 

[Missseventeen]

I loved this, the lyrics really expressed emotion and I could picture this with just a gutiar playing, I think its a song a lot of people could relate to in some form - so yeah I really enjoyed reading it!
I think if you were to add anything maybe a bridge? if you put the bridge in a song, then your song has a kick to it, and it can draw you more audience - this only an idea from my view anyway but I loved the song your really talented
Good luck with everything an keep up the amazing work, Missseventeen

[Jess]

Right, I think your verses are very good, they've got some interesting word choices, strong rhyming pattern and you've incorporated your emotions and experiences very well, however, I feel like chorus is very monosyllabic, it just lacks substance and words. I'm not saying you can't have a short chorus, but your falling sky idea is really good, so I think you should loose the repetition and think of a chorus structure that platforms your ideas better, having the title of the song in the chorus might help. Remember, although your writing about your experiences you still have to make your lyrics understandable and relatable for your listener

[Chris_lightless]

Jezz , thanks i am already on it ...  i was singing it a few times and noticed just like you said that it gets boring .. something was missing ...

[darreldo]

After reading your lyrics which i think are quite heartfelt. Im getting the verve in my head. ie "drugs dont work" "so sister"
Maybe you could try make your guitar and melody to be in a similar vain?

[Chris_lightless]

ty darreldo ,
i am trying to but got new strings so i am pretty much fed up with getting used instead of focusing on writing  a melody but i had something in mind that would be "in vain"  but still in progress because this event that forced this kind of lyric was kinda recent...
"drugs dont work" " so sister"  .... good one ! ! ! had to smile