[Chris_lightless]

too shallow? too short ? i dunno i thought it was actually pretty strong this way ? Need some thoughts here please help me out !
         ...crys out to heaven...

I am feeling so heartbroken it turns my eyes
To aching  waterfalls
Slowly filling eyes of sadness
I cant just go out of these holes
my soul is shattered to pieces            2x
as i cry out to heaven
this is not my life
Hopelessly i crawl into the abyss of myself
As i live on through all of this
But the feeling wont disappear
I cant find a way to go on
my soul is shattered to pieces             2x
as i cry out to heaven
this is not my life
Dying is just another phrase, the reaper  took me long ago
Faithlessly i  hope for a way out
But emptyness is all thats left
I cant just live on
my soul is shattered to pieces                
as i cry out to heaven
this is not my life
Emotional bleeding keeps on drying me
I am drifting away into hollowness
But i am still a phantom of my own shadow
I cant find one single drop of hope
So i cry out to heaven as my soul keeps on fading
Untill the darkness devours everything

[Chris_lightless]

guess it is pretty hard to write some thought down could take like 1 min ^^...

[Sing4me88]

There are some very good lines in this one especially about dying being another phrase and the reaper taking you long ago. The only thing is that it appears a bit disjunctive and I don't know how this one flows as a 'hear' rather than a read. You'll have a melody in mind so you'll be aware how this works but reading them it becomes slightly problematic. Anyway I liked it nothwithstanding this point

[Chris_lightless]

yeah that´s the issue right now i had a melody in mind when i wrote it but kinda lost it , changed the lyrics a dozen times (kinda felt like the old melody was not fitting anymore, ) ...  and i am still changing the lyrics anyway i am glad some lines were good ... and i am working on the flow ... my guitar will help me

[Sing4me88]

Hey you're on the right track with this one then. Would love to hear this one instead of reading it. I've the same problem with lyrics sometimes something flows so well in your head as you've got a rough melody for it and you know where and how it all falls into place but on paper it looks out of place and is so hard to try and describe to people how it flows. I wouldn't worry about re-writing lyrics, someone once told me great songs aren't written they are re-written!

[calmlondon]

Hi,

I'm feeling your pain with this one.  I've tried to string a melody along to this, I'd be interested to hear if you have one in mind.  You know the feedback is just opinion, but I would maybe rework a few lines only.

Like, you're feeling heartbroken and the song stems from that? But I wouldn't necessarily spell it out - I would evoke it with your other words. So maybe combine some of your key lines?

You've turned my eyes into waterfalls.   
I hold the pieces of my shattered soul.

That kinda thing. Keeping some of the key themes in your song still.

[Chris_lightless]

Hi , thanks for your advice , i am actually reworking some of the lines okay to be totally honest a lot of lines right now .I had literally the same idea. But some lines are kinda hard because i don´t wanna lose that feeling i had when i wrote the song for instance "dying is just another phrase, the reaper took me long ago"  i changed it to "I am dying inside, reapers presence already at my side." ... 
melody-wise   at the very beginning i had a melody but i kinda just listened to trading yesterday and wrote on, changed the lyrics a few times so i am still working on the melody ,i like some pace change , tho.

[calmlondon]

heya,


Liked how you reworked the reaper line. Good stuff.

[Chris_lightless]

yeah reworking is the hardest part in my opinion ... maybe, because it isnt my mother tongue... so it is kinda hard to find synonyms and rimes that express the same sort of feelings in this particular phrase... anyway ... every day i am learning new words phrases synonyms rimes... so my writing skills,style is improving bit by bit ... 

[calmlondon]

On the plus side, some of the best songs were written by people who don't have English as the mother tongue. You have a freedom that we don't have, to play with words and so on.

[JazzyRoy]

I also write a lot of songs with similar content to yours here. I think it is very deep and beautiful.I liked it very much!

[Chris_lightless]

thanks ,  it´s still hard to believe somebody actually likes the lyrics ... but it is still on progress it is my rough sketch ... because it does not flow like it is supposed to be ... i had some piano melody in mind but cant play piano so i have to change it to guitar ... anyway thanks again would love to hear / read one of your songs if you write almost the same kind

[prideandjoy]

This is short but I think your lyrics are precise and they tie everything nicely in what you're trying to say. I loved the beginning "I am feeling so heartbroken it turns my eyes
To aching  waterfalls "

STRONG emotions and I thought it flowed...songs are odd like that...flow can be changed to the type of music or singer and trust me that flow can be found easily too