[joetattie]

Hi all, I was just wondering if I could get some feedback on this particular song of mine, I've got a whole load more I'll fire at you at some other time but this one is one I'm needing input on.

I've got the chords down, and I've got the melodies sorted, I just think this song is really too dark? I just want some input on this, I'm sure if I heard somebody had written this, then I'd be really worried for their welfare, but I can genuinely say that I'm fine, and I'm not suicidal, I just have a method of adopting a feeling, and amplifying it into the lyrics. Hey it's maybe not too bad, but I'll let you all be the judges.

"I'm on a path that leads to nowhere,
don't know where I've been,
I'm just spinning circles,
my only company's the wind,
that guides my sails,
through the storm.
And my bitterness inside,
keeps me warm.

All my memories have faded,
from what life used to be,
I'm so lost and I need found,
won't you come and save me,
from myself,
before I die.
Hell I'm so lonely,
I could cry.

Every single drop of happiness,
has drained from my soul,
I'm so blind with tears,
don't know which way to go,
to find you,
to cure my sorrow.
If this is the last you hear from me,
call the police tomorrow.

I'm so lost and I need found,
yeah, I'm so lost and I need found,
won't you come and save me.
I'm so lost and I need found.

If this is the last you hear from me,
call the police tomorrow
call the police tomorrow (Repeat to fade)"

[Jess]

Firstly can I just say I adore this bit

Every single drop of happiness,
has drained from my soul,
I'm so blind with tears,
don't know which way to go,
to find you,
to cure my sorrow.
If this is the last you hear from me,
call the police tomorrow.

And overall I think it's very good, the only thing that's slightly confusing is the structure. Does it go verse-chorus-verse- but then you have two different sections at the end and don't repeat the chorus? I guess structure is there to be played with and if you write your own chords then you now how it sounds.
I think it's really good and you shouldn't put yourself down, at the end of the day we're all here to learn something new about songwriting x

[Sing4me88]

A very strong piece lyrically... the first and third verses are very strong with some unbelievably good lines in there. I must agree with Jess and say that I'm confused as to the structure also... that is only a minor issue though and I think you've really got something very brilliant here... I hoe you can develop it further as I'd love to hear this one when complete

[joetattie]

Thanks very much for the replies guy, and yes, about the structure, i've been trying to figure out what I can do with that. I was trying something different, and right now it seems to be;

Verse
Verse
Verse
Chorus
Bridge (to fade)

I was fed up of Verse, Verse, Chorus, Verse, Chorus, Bridge, Chorus so it was an attempt to try something new. I'm usually better at writing verses than chorus', so it just developed this way. But thank you for your help.

I'm currently recording alot of my stuff, (I find that it helps for remembering strumming patterns, and melodies) but I don't have drums, and all the MIDI drums I find, to be quite frank, sound shite, but i'll get something up soon to let you see it.

[BooBoo]

I quite liked this am I don't think there is anything wrong with writing darker material. The lyrics were strong and I liked them. Just the structure thing like other people have said previously but reading your own comment I understand that you want to do something different. 

[Dead Weight]

These are good quality lyrics, consistent throughout   

I particularly liked the lines:

'If this is the last you hear from me,
call the police tomorrow.'

There's nothing wrong with writing dark songs.  They can actually be quite therapeutic to write.

[joetattie]

Thanks for the replies BooBoo and Dead Weight, I'm humbled that you all think they are good lyrics. I'll try and get a recording up at some point to let you see the melody and structure of the song.

Dead Weight I completely understand what you mean with the therapeutic thing. That's something I had never considered until you said so, and it is true. You feel a lot happier after getting a load off your chest like that, even if you weren't feeling that sad before hand.

But once again, thank you everyone for such positive feedback.  I'll get some more lyrics up here soon.

[joetattie]

Sorry for bumping this, but I've sat down yesterday, and got it all recorded. It really is a weird song, structure-wise. But I'll let you lot be the judge of it, Before I post it, should I just stick it here, or are you wanting me to put it in the review forum?