[Zelig]

Let me introduce a song of mine, which we are currently rearranging for a whole band. In this version on the other hand, there’s just me and the singer. What do you think about it? Any comment would be welcome as we are in need of input for the new version.

Spacetrip

I was on my way to Mars
And so close to a star
I met a handsome man
O my, he was so cute, that guy
I stopped my travel for a while
And stayed so I could cry

He talked just by way of stardust
Never by a forecast,
But I couldn’t see clouds, nor sun,
But he was so much fun!
I had to get him to take part
So this journey could start.

Freedom, sadness.
Freedom, sadness.
Lost in space, no way home.
Give me a shelter.

So I took him by the hand
To see another land
And walk the milky way for love,
But he escaped, my dove.
“This isn’t poetry”, he said
And turned away his head.

So I left him on his star
And watch him from afar.
I must stay on the earth
Oh, well, I have to earn my mirth.
But, when I see the milky way
I always feel dismay.

Freedom, sadness.
Freedom, sadness.
Lost in space,
No way home,
Give me a shelter.

So I left him on his star,
And watch him from afar,
I must stay on the earth.
Oh well, I have to earn my mirth!
But when I see the milky way
I always feel dismay.

[tone]

Hi Zelig
Some beautiful changes in this song, and really interesting vocal & guitar parts. I can't really fault it, except that the lyrics sound quite rushed in places, like they don't scan very well with the music sometimes.
I also think the lyrics could be improved by changing some of the more forced sounding rhymes. The song is so interesting and quirky, that I don't think you would suffer from missing the odd rhyme here and there. Particularly 'and turned away his head' doesn't sound right at all. I'd go for 'and turned his head away'. Also 'I have to earn my mirth' doesn't make sense to my ears, even though I know what you're trying to say. For the sake of a rhyme, I don't think it's worth keeping.
On the whole, a great, great song. Very strong melody and pregression, very enjoyable

[Schavuitje]

I really really like this musically. I absolutely adore some of the vocal melodies.
I must agree with tone that I think some careful alteration to the lyrics could improve the song.
Great stuff though

[Zelig]

Thanks for your nice comments,
I will think about the lyrics and your suggestions. Thank you for welcoming me in this forum.

[Paul]

Well done, I enjoyed this song.  The guitar playing is very similar to that of Roddy Frame.  If you haven't come across him then I'd recommend the album 'Surf.'  Back to the song.  I especially enjoyed the verse melody and think that the vocalist has a really interesting voice, with an abundance of character.  I agree that the lyrics could be improved upon, but if your happy and have said what you set out to then stick with what you already have. The standout lyric for me is 'He talked just by the way of stardust, Never by forecast.' I'm not sure what it means but it is thought provoking!  An explanation of the meaning might help, but might also destroy the magic that is sometimes found in lyric writing.  By the way, that's a lovely acoustic guitar!    Paul

[TNMC]

Hi Zelig,

Wow, what a voice! Beautiful. its quirky and interesting and different, I could listen to a voice like that for hours! As for the song, I have to agree with the guys, great song with just a few slight modifications to the lyrics required. I think it was someone like Noel Coward who said that great songs aren't written, they're re-written! I loved the vocal line in the verse more than the chorus but thats not really a criticism, more an observation.
Thanks for sharing, I'm looking forward to hearing more of your work.

Liam (T.N.M.C.)

[Zelig]

Thanks Pablo and NTMC,

I'm not the main lyrics writer. I just came up with a couple of sentences  and the chorus (sorry, NTMC ). I'd have to improve my English a bit to be able to do more of that, but I forwarded your comments to the singer who wrote most of the lyrics. She is not a native speaker of English either as she is Swedish, but her English is on a different level altogether as she has spent some time in the UK. She appreciated all your concerns and is reflecting on all of what you said. Your help is so valuable to as, as you are native songwriters.

[Schavuitje]

Maybe your lyricist could collaborate with a native English speaking writer or maybe get them looked at? Just to check that it flows correctly. It must be very difficult to write in a language other than your own. Dutchbeat write some really cool stuff but they also struggle sometimes with lyrics.
Just an idea 

[Zelig]

A collaboration is a good idea, but it’s hard to find the right person. However, we thought it would be a good idea to have your opinion first, so thanks for helping us out.

[hofnerite]

Excellent chord changes and progression throughout, sounds like a French lounge song to me, in a smoky bar, in a Paris club! I think the lyrics are ok, they tell a story which is always good and they are bit quirky which keeps me listening. Good stuff!

[TNMC]

Hi Zelig, I have the utmost respect for anyone who writes a song in anything other than their native tongue and I fully appreciate that english can be a fairly complex and peculiar language so first of all I have to say great job and well done to both of you. I work with a guy who is Polish, his english is excellent but sometimes he gets his tenses mixed up or sometimes he doesn't quite use the best or most appropiate word for what he is trying to say. That is the same sort of feeling I got from reading your lyrics but there is nothing wrong with the lyrics. I just wasn't sure if you had said what you wanted to say or if you had lost a little something in translation. Having read the lyrics again a couple of times I'm finding myself liking the ambiguity of them and I'm not sure if I would change them now at all. Lyrically the chorus is fine, it was the melody of the verse that I preferred so please dont apologise, its great.

Liam (TNMC)

[Zelig]

Hofnerite
I like the smoky bar idea. It’s so seldom nowadays. So good to picture this with this song. Thanks

TNMC
What you say is very interesting. I’ve thought a lot about all the comments on the lyrics. I repeat that I’m totally unable to judge the lyrics as my English doesn’t really stand up to the test. But I do know that sometimes we tend to be more critcal with non native speakers, i.e. when a French lyricist writes something weird, I know he’s aware of it and it’s intentional, but with a foreigner, one can never be sure if he knows the rule he’s breaking or not. So yes, you said the right word: «ambiguity». And I’m glad you like it. Thanks