[weaver]

this was inspired by going thru some of my things and coming across my great grandfathers first world war medal,

https://soundcloud.com/weaver-k/no-mans-land

Remember the young boys who never came home
Read their names carved into stone
Over the top they had to go
Only a few sighted their foe

Healthy young men battered and torn
Each one longin to greet the new dawn

Welcome to no mans land
Welcome to no mans land

Welcome to no mans land
You’ve come along for the ride
Looking for cover but theres
Nowhere to hide

The general lives out his life
In his country home
Young men’s widows grow old alone

See the old boy his chest adorned
Fallen comrades forever are mourned
Years gone by but emotions don’t dim
But for God’s grace it could have been him

Welcome to no mans land
Welcome to no mans land

[SoundOnTape]

English is not my main language so I ll only comment on the music of the song..
Your music is really very sensitive and sounds true that s wonderful..

[montydog]

First off, you have a great voice and you sing beautifully. This is really very good indeed. Lyrics are my thing and this has some brilliant lines. I think it starts off a little clunky but at the end, you've got into your stride.

This just needs a little polishing. Can I suggest this:

Remember the young boys who never came home
Read their names carved in the stone
Over the top they had to go
Never had a sight of their foe

Healthy young men battered and torn
Each one longing to greet the  dawn

Welcome to no mans land
Welcome to no mans land

Welcome to no mans land
You’ve come along for the ride
Looking for cover but there's
Nowhere to hide

Fallen Comrades are forever mourned.
Years gone by, emotions don't dim
Without God's grace, it could have been him

Welcome to no mans land
Welcome to no mans land

I'm not convinced by the "You've come along for the ride line" but I don't want to re-write your song for you. I don't think it's right. None of the soldiers was along for the ride but hey, it's up to you.

I hope you don't mind me tinkering   I must declare an interest; my great uncle was killed on the Somme in 1916. They never found his body.

[Sevla]

My first impression was....I think this needs more variation in the melody - the verse and chorus have very similar melody and meter. But having listened a few times, I found this very hypnotic and it suited the feel. I liked the piano in the vocal breaks - very nice. For me, you could consider some subtle strings towards the end.

I agree some of the lyrics feel as thought they are being made to fit the melody....so montys suggestions may well do the trick.

I too declare and interest.....I was given a first world war medal when I was a boy and I've still got it......no idea who the man is....but when I get a bit of time I intend to find out. I've also written a song about it (maybe I'll post it one day?) I enjoyed this...thanks.

[S.T.C]

I can hear Roger Waters here ...very good ....will listen again.

[weaver]

thanks for the replies, montydog,no problem with you tinkering with the lyrics if thats the way you see it  its a sad story about your great uncle,my grandfather made it home and brought up my father from a young age. Sevla,you have picked up on the feeling that I wanted to create of an unchanging backdrop,one version did have a simple repeating bass drum in the mix,it would be great to hear your song 

[Florida Mike]

I think you have some lyrics to work with here, but need to add some changes , meaning the same chords for verse and chorus is not working for me,.

[theLostLad]

I like your voice, you have a sort of world-weary timbre, which suits the subject matter. I also think that the chorus needs a bit more variation. I also wonder whether you could make this a bit more specific or personal, rather than a generic overview of WW1 in 3 or 4 verses? ie expand on the 'it could have been him' bit, and make the song more about him? Otherwise it a list of truisms about WW1, however heartfelt.

[James Nighthawk]

I am with Monsieur Florida Mike here. This melody is so very simple it veers into monotony. I only got half way through and then stopped the track to read the lyrics instead, which are clearly from the heart and well put.

Alas, as a song, it doesn't ring for me, it is simply far far too one dimensional.

It reminds me a little of my juvenalia. I used to write around chords and words, and looking back all my first songs had melodies with one note per chord change. I couldn't see the big picture for my artistic intent 

Someone on here (Kafla I think) mentioned a study where one tries to write a melody staying on one chord as long as possible. I keep meaning to try this, sounds like a brilliant exercise

Melody is king. Ask Lennon/McCartney! 

[stratos]

Very nice song.
The melody on the chorus needs to be different imho.
The first verse does a great job building up to something and that something needs to be the chorus and it needs to be different and a bit more complex to make up for the buildup.
Very nice lyrics though all the way through.
Just need that extra kick on the chorus I think.
Good job.

[RichyRowlatt]

I really enjoyed this. It's a subject matter very close to my heart and many other peoples too, so a hard one to pull off in my opinion. I liked it. Melody could do with some variation but a good post regardless,

Richy

[refusedrevival]

I also think the song needs more variation in the melody between the verse and chorus.
You have good voice. The piano is great at the end of the song.

Good job!

[habiTat]

I agree with the others on here, I like it but it needs more variation in the melody, or at least some higher end harmonies to lift certain parts and help create some variation and hold the interest of the listener. I really like that you've been inspired to write this by finding the medals, it's so good to get the background on these songs.

[Paul]

The highlight for me is the interplay between the acoustic guitar and piano.  Unfortunately there isn't enough variation in the vocal melody to sustain my interest.  I think the best way forward, is to keep the lyrics and introduce more chords whilst also changing the vocal melody in places which will give this song greater appeal.

Thanks for sharing!

[weaver]

thanks for taking the time to listen and to comment,all valid and constructive comments