[kapering]

Hi,

I'm from Durham, England, I'm looking for your critiques on the song lyrics and structure.  Also title suggestions....appreciate your feedback. I vision this to be an acoustic song, with mid tempo soft verses, choruses, with a stronger raspy verse towards the end (Bold)I'm also looking for musicians to collaborate with if anyone is interested, I write all genres and can sing a little too

Thanks for taking the time,
Looking for your opinions and critiques, am undecided on some of the lyrics, I will be recording an acapella version soon, so please help me get the lyrics right. Am also looking for a guitarist, this will be a mid tempo track with a raspy vocal section towards the end of the song (highlighted in bold). All of the red sections are alternative lyrics which I am pondering over,

Appreciate the help

BK

The Adness Song

               
It's been a, journey, the longest  (journey, of longing) (journey the hardest) (Journey, the toughest)
We're both growing from it
Struggles, all we have at this stage to see
Tortured, souls in a sonnet
We're both learning from it
But “Adness” is all that we see (“Adness” is all that we live and we breathe)(“Adness” is all we live and we breathe)
(“Adness” breathes over you ,over me)

Cause your sadness
And my madness
Brings out
Brings out
The badness in me

Cause your madness
And my badness
Brings out
Brings out
The sadness in me

Acting some say the wrong way
All the critics of our play
And that its', not you, it's all down to me
Let's not suffer this madness
Become, a story of sadness
This badness its killing us please (This badness consumes you and it's me)

Cause your sadness
And my madness
Brings out
Brings out
The badness in me

Cause your madness
And my badness
Brings out
Brings out
The madness in me

So when will we
When will we
When will we stand up to them
When will we
When will we
When will we fire it back at them
No we won't.....
Yes we won't....
We'll stay quiet....
Build on this peace and silence......

Cause your sadness
And my madness
Can end
Will end
All peaceful no “Adness” to see


Bold = Stronger vocals
......   = Softer vocals

[Stroller2010]

Welcome to the forum. I like the whole structure and the chorus is good and catchy. I reckon calling it "The Badness" or something along those lines would be okay. Those first two alternative verses you mention look good to me too.

[kapering]

Appreciate that input Stroller, thanks, still not sure about the starting lines, am getting a mixed response from other folk 

[titiami]

welcome to the forum.

i think what the other folks are trying to put across is that your lyrics in some other parts lack creativity, 'its been the longest journey' sounds much better than what you have written. in my point of view i think the lyrics are just too weak though there is a good story put across, a possible rewrite would do the trick.

[The Corsair]

Titiami got it pretty spot on there I think. The idea seems good, but the words used to express it aren't quite right.

Personally I think you've over-used 'sadness/madness/badness'. It's fine in the choruses, but in the second verse it starts to feel like you've run out of things to say and are just using the same rhymes as in the chorus. In some songs it works, but in this one I don't think it does sorry :/

I like the opening line as is, actually. It gives the story a very 'In Medias Res' feel. It reveals a whole heap, but it opens up a lot of questions too (what was the journey? why was it long? etc etc). It also gives the impression that those questions will be answered as you explain the story and I think that's where you fall short because there's very little substance. We don't actually learn anything solid about the 'journey' (metaphorical journey or not). None of our questions get answered. It's such a strong opener, then everything drops off and we get nothing out of the song.

[kapering]

Really appreciate the advice guys, I am happy with the chorus and the first line "the longest" was always my preferred choice.  I am going to work on those verses and come back with something which will hopefully bring meaning to the chorus and the journey....

Thanks again for the honest critique!

Bilal