There is some good and some not so good in here.
Verse 1: Starts out weak to me, too vague and grandiose. Not clear what any of it means so I'm not yet connected with the song. I think it's important to start out strong, make a connection right away. The second half starts to form a narrative I can follow from "It struck me" on. Why not "around" instead of "about"? Especially when the next rhyming lines end in "out".
Verse 2: Very concise, expresses the idea very well. Doesn't feel like any lines are a wasted and it's easy to follow along with and understand. Now I'm hearing a message.
Verse 3: The first two lines are much like the first verse and it feels like a mouthful because it does not following the same meter as verse 2. You have added 2 syllables to each line of the first two lines, presumably crammed in before the first beat which starts on "minds" and "there"? This is one of the issues I have with verse 1 as well but it might sound better than it reads.
The more matter of fact, frank tone of the second verse is also lost and suffers for it I think. Lines 3 and 4 are much better and drop the vagueness like verse 2 does. In 5 and 6 you return to the familiar phrase, "It struck me quite early" and that's good, familiarity is good.
Verse 4: You've changed the meter here quite a bit, is this a bridge or change-up or a chorus? Not crazy about the first two lines, they seem again, too vague to have meaning. Lines 4-7 are great, the idea is a good one.
It's like you were saying, "Hey, i've seen some shit", then you list some life experiences symbolized by natural events that illustrate a variety of pleasant and unpleasant things. Then you finish with, "But it's not an excuse to be an asshole". I think that's the idea expressed? I think first half can be expressed better. This also sounds like a chorus and would probably work well if you chose to go that route.
Verse 5: Who are you that you can make water? I still don't have a clear idea of who is speaking. Is the narrator changing throughout the song? I'm confused. This meter is close to the second verse which kind of set the tone for me when I was reading. It was the strongest, cleanest, most memorable rhythmic pattern so I was happy to return to it. How about "Got me some servants and maidens and ****"? I do not like 'guilty', it feels very awkward and the second half(from "I gazed") still feels a little rough. Knowing who is speaking would also help this verse a lot but maybe I'm the only one who doesn't know.
Verse 6: Back to the memorable meter! Another clear verse that states an idea well. Maybe, "Is hardest to sate"? The last line doesn't quite hit it. Second best verse. Who this narrator might be is clearer here and I want to know more about this character now, I sympathize with him.
Verse 7: I will echo the curious "pirate" speak comments above. Something like this might be better,
I hammered my cutless
And made my own gun
Hoping to rise up
And tarnish the sun.
I connected with the concept of a man tarnishing the sun in a very David vs Goliath, mortal vs god, impossible task sort of way. You've even thrown in slavery overtones and oppressiveness. With the empathy of verse 6, I'm rooting for this nameless person trying to accomplish something so seemingly epic and justified. The finish to the verse leaves me wanting though. It feels like two separate ideas. I want to know what happens next in the struggle. What happened when he tried to rise up? Or maybe explain another of the preparations for this fight? He's got his cutless and gun to tarnish the sun,
"I've forged my own wings
And i've learned how to fly
Soon i'll be greeting you,
watching you die"
or
"The people imprisoned,
who sweat in your fields,
can rest in my shadow
when I come for thee"
Not great writing but I hope that gives you an idea of what I mean. This is a story of violence and battle, a war cry for justice, freedom etc. It got me wanting to make my own cutless and gun and join in the fight. That's an important thing to note, you made me feel the battle cry and intensity. Maybe focus on that feeling.
Verse 8: I don't know what any of this means. Don't know who the lady is, or why her broken embrace might fill anyone with anger and a void. How does it relate to the last character with the slaving and sun tarnishing? It is vague and hard to really connect with because of that. Also "cruelty' feels awkward as does the "and" in the last line.
Verse 9: Like the last verse. I don't know whose narrating now or what the story is anymore. I can't relate to any of this. It seems vague and grandiose again. Also your use of the word "faith" is confusing, faith in what? The beginning of the song had the narrator abandoning religion didn't it? If the beginning of the story had someone lose their faith, maybe the end should either restore that faith or find faith in something more rewarding or truthful?
So to sum up. There are a number of lines that break the meter or use words that are very awkwardly crammed into the rhythm. It might sound better sung but not read. You establish a strong rhythmic pattern in the second verse but lose it in multiple places. When it isn't there the lyrics are weaker for it and I was simply waiting for it to come back, when it does I'm happy again.
The story to me lacks narrative consistency(possibly because I'm dumb and don't understand it). The sentiment in Verse 2 is strong and clear as is the writing; verse 4 has a compelling message but needs some work to be better expressed. Maybe use it as a chorus as it sounds like one.
Starting in verse 5 and ending in verse 7, you shift to a story with slavery overtones, or at least oppression. I didn't feel this in the other verses, before or after, so it almost feels like it came from no where. It makes me confused because I have to learn about a new message, new struggles and a new character. A song should have a strong central idea that remains the over all focus. Too many messages and ideas are too hard to follow to be honest. This part is, however, the most compelling idea in the song. It is a strong musical idea with lots of room to explore. The first half of verse 7 particularly is quite angry and wonderful aside form the use of "me" but it feels like the second half switches gears abruptly.
I definitely think this song needs refining but there are some awesome ideas in it. Being unable to hear it doesn't help so who really knows? As always, I don't know what I'm talking about really so take my words for whatever they're worth to you. Keep writing though.
Cheers.
