[ToraBora]

Hi guys,

This is track one of three that I'm writing about Police Shootings. I'll be adding the others in the weeks to come. It's only a rough recording that I've done on headphones so any thoughts on the arrangement, lyrics and music would be greatly appreciated. Are the lyrics coherent? Do they tell the story well?

Thanks in advance

ps. I'll  post a link to the actual events in a while, I just want to see if the song tells the story well.

Nunes was a big guy, shaved head, stubble on his head
and a look that said: 'Fuck this up, you'll wish you were dead'

35 years old, hardly out of prison, gets a crew together
and sets in motion, half a million in cash and 2 men dead.

Plans his jobs with meticulous detail,
sends the boys out,
Life in easy, with mobile phone reconnaissance 

There's been a few close calls,
and a lot of violence,
'Do you remember that time in Banbury, Oxford?,
We knocked him to the ground,
Didn't make a quid'

Oh, your buddies gone,
and you'll be next.

Markland was older, shoulda known better,
thought about his family, his young children,
returned to his day job as a chef

Maybe that's what even drove him out there,
Knocking off vans with Nunes beside him,
25 grand a pop for his kids.

Or it could of been the thrill, the fast money,
the credibility of operating on the edge of society
as a violent criminal that dices with death.

In the end it doesn't matter,
cos' the police shot him,
along with Mark Nunes in a botched robbery,
As he lay dying they shot him again.

Oh, don't pick up the gun,
your buddies gone, you'll be next.



http://soundcloud.com/jacklaing/tora-bora-markland-nunes

[nooms]

beautiful intro, nice feel

total surprise when the song kicks in.
kind of modern folk tale, the law & the doomed criminal
imagine you as a live act, akin to billy bragg

[Paul]

Beautiful intro, not what I was expecting at all.  I too can hear the Billy Brag element to this.  Most of all I loved the guitar work. Acoustics are my favourite instrument and you play some wonderful chords.  The lyrics are well written. This is simply a very engaging song from start to finish!

Well done

[seriousfun]

This a good effort mate. A very nice production, simple production held together with some very classy guitar work. Two comments I would make, I though the intro was too long. Almost a minute before the vocal kicked in, in danger of losing listeners with a long intro. Perhapos shift 20 seconds to the back of the song and have a longer outro?  Secondly, in a folksy type song like this the lyrics are paramount to the songs success and you have a lot of lyrics crammed in, in various places and I found difficult to decipher what you were saying/singing. Could just be you accent - I dont have one of course lol.

But overall I really liked this. Great mix of strumming patterns intrersperced with some nice picking as slides. Love to hear more.

Kudos to you and a belated welcome to the forum.

Al.

[digger72]

Hi Tora,

I liked the lyrics. The only thing I would ask is what are you trying to say about the police shooting? The line "As he lay dying they shot him again," suggests their actions were wrong, possibly unlawful. Which is a strong statement.
 Loved the harmonica and some of the guitars. At first glance i was expecting some kind of rap song - was surprised when the song started.

I do like songs which are about something.

Digger

[ToraBora]

Thanks for the input chaps. I'll be thinking about it when I re-record.

As for the message of the song. It's a difficult one. What I have rather foolishly left out is that Nunes held a loaded gun to the security van drivers head, this was why the police shot him. Markland then ran to his partner and lunged for the gun and was killed as well. Obviously this is completely justifiable. The minute you put innocent people's life in jeopardy your life is fair game in my opinion. However, the police had been on the gang for quite some time and knew they were armed. Why let it get to the stage where they had the oppurtunity to put a gun to someones head? Catching them red handed and having a solid prosection must surely come after protecting the general population? But this was only a footnote to why I picked this particular shooting. I mainly chose it because of the emotional tie of the robber running to his partners side and trying to shoot his way out of the situation.

Hopefully when all 3 songs are finished, they will present a collective opinion on the topic. Hopefully...

Out of curiosity, how do you think this material would go down with a band behind it? Maybe beefed up with some drums and electric guitar?

[Michael]

I agree with the comments about your guitar playing, it's really brilliant.
Interesting lyrics, and I really dig your singing style

The intro is way too long IMO, I'd suggest cutting it in half and maybe bring some of it in later after the first chorus.
That said I had a hard time hearing a clear structure and keeping track of the rhythm in the chorus part. Maybe that was intentional, though.

I think this could be great with a full band, what musical direction where you thinking of for this? Could also imagine this working well as a live track.

[montydog]

Great guitar sound and I love a bit of harmonica but the intro is a bit long. I'm old fashioned in that I like a good melody which this lacks for me and I think the lyrics lack a bit of guile and subtlety.

I can understand the comparison with Billy Brag - you have a similar forthright delivery. It's a good vocal and musically you're all there but I'm not keen on the song.....sorry

[ToraBora]

Don't be Sorry, Monty! Constructive criticism is exactly what I came here for. Lyrically, I can understand you might think it unsubtle. This trio of songs is an experiment, the first time I've written about anything other than my own experiences. I've purposefully tried to tell a good story in all of them and it definitely is a big departure from previous work where I have been more descriptive and cryptic. I'm going to have another crack at cleaning them up a bit, and adding another section. I'm glad you enjoyed the harmonica and guitar at least. As for the intro, it seems like its half and half on here. I'm going to keep it as long, it'll be more engaging with other instrumentation and the other two songs lyrics start quite abruptly so it will add some variety to the whole package when it's completed.

It's strange I keep getting these Billy Bragg comparisons, he's never someone I've listened dedicatedly too. I'm more of a Dylan and Young kinda guy! 

Band wise, I'd just like to get a solid backing with bass and drums and do the electric guitar myself. Anybody that thinks that might interest them, drop me a message.

[tina m]

love the neil young style harmonica & the guitar playing was excellent it realy kept the song alive all the way thru
as far as the song goes i think its a  case of where the lyric thinks its more important than the rest of the song & there were to many words getting crammed in so the melody had to take 2nd place a lot of the time which is never so good
i like songs that have a good story to tell & maybe the words are more important than the melody but the song you get ends up a  bit of  a compromise

[RichyRowlatt]

It took a while to get going, but a really interesting piece of work. Lyrically brilliant I thought, and a great mix of styles. More please

Richy