[jmacdon]

I'm a bit reticent posting this, but i'm really keen to have feedback before I record version 2.   John MacDonough (almost, my namesake, has written some fairly dark lyrics - which i've turned into a free flowing bluesy number).   It needs a hook - so any suggestions are welcome - and the keybs sound on the bridge are pretty crap and will be replaced with a hammond organ in ver 2 - so just to warn you!

Any other brics and bracs please throw at me - all comments are welcome :-)

http://soundcloud.com/hitfactoryuk/miss-my-train

John.

[montydog]

I like this. It's not predictable and I like the arrangement. It's unique and not a copy of what's been before. If I heard another of your songs on the radio, I'd know it was you because you have a signature sound. I thought this was pretty bloody impressive.

Thank you for sharing.

[James Nighthawk]

Hey John, there is promise here

The chorus starts to stick thru after a few times round. Perhaps something as simple as some stacked oohs to push it forward that "this is the chorus!!". These can be fiddled with to create some kind of hook perhaps.

Will be interested to see where this one goes

[mikewyattmusic]

I like this, a cool bluesy vibe to me. Kind of thing that plays in the 606 club in London sometimes.

I would say it needs tightening up, and could definitely have some good extras in there, guitar etc to bring out the fullness.

Good start for a song though.

[vibesville]

I agree with James, this has promise.

I'm more a lyricist and I do feel they need some work, less predictable.
I've taken the first verse and quickly put something together. I'm not saying this is right, just how I would approach it to get that darkness that I don't think your song has quite got yet.

Maybe something like:

Empty streets in this lonely town
I'm heading to the station
distant voices in the shadows, hey you!
I hate these situations

I wrote a song sometime ago which is on the same lines as this, called 'Stupid Train'. I posted it few weeks back, have a listen and I think you'll know what I mean.

Hope this helps :)

[jmacdon]

I've taken the first verse and quickly put something together. I'm not saying this is right, just how I would approach it to get that darkness that I don't think your song has quite got yet.

Maybe something like:

Empty streets in this lonely town
I'm heading to the station
distant voices in the shadows, hey you!
I hate these situations

I wrote a song sometime ago which is on the same lines as this, called 'Stupid Train'. I posted it few weeks back, have a listen and I think you'll know what I mean.

Hope this helps

This is great - thanks for the really useful feedback.  I'll pass this comment on to the lyricist and see what he can do.  The song was never written as a blues track - and I think that comes across with the way my vocals have to stretch some of the lyrics - version 2 i'm hoping will be an improvement.   Also, will get a guitar solo in there -  possibly to replace the vocal bridge. 

[nooms]

nice piano riff john and good news about a gtr solo as i thought the songs a little predictable and needs a few sparks ,
that last change is a nice surprise.

story in the lyrics,  just like a little more excitement in the music

[Ivar Sand]

Your singing style is interesting and draws attention to the song. Nevertheless, your singing style is a bit too dramatic for my taste. For instance, you sing the line "heading for the station" with emphasis although walking to the station is an undramatic, everyday activity.

As far as I can see, the lyrics are good; the rhymes are perfect. Still, I would like to make the following comments:
- About the line "now I'm gonna miss my train" in the chorus: I think that this line does not fit the other lines of the chorus well because, at least usually, to miss one's train is something far less severe than to be attacked physically.
- In my opinion the chorus ("everybodys screaming …") describes what is happening and so is better suited for a verse. (However, its rhyme scheme is not that of a verse.) By the way, the text of the bridge ("did anybody come …") is a comment on what is happening and so is well suited for a chorus.
- Verse three ("lost a few teeth…") describes the effect of what has happened and so should be the last verse. (By the way, I see you have version four of this song now, and in this version verse three is indeed the last verse.)

[ABeautifulVirus]

this has promise to be something rather neat. i like the Aerosmith 'Walk This Way' drum loop you chose.
the piano riffs have a bit of Steely Dan to them which i like; i'm not sure about the extreme left pans though at 1:07. 2:15 and 2:55...that seems unnecessary and almost feels like right speaker/can has blown out.  your vocal style is intriguing and has a natural enthusiasm; i'm wondering though if you're trying to sing 'too american' or if that is your natural inflection. there is a part of me that wants to hear a more 'billy brag' accent on this... it might also open up some of the vowel sounds a tad more. but like i said, i did enjoy this a lot and think it has potential to be polished into a nice jewel. the drums could come up more too imo.

[jmacdon]

Wow  i'm so humbled by the continued feedback on this track. Ivar and Nooms thank you for your incredibly constructive feedback.  The lyricist is trying to re-write the words to fit the music - originally he wrote this to be C&W, but when I recorded it as a blues track it threw the lyrics out completely. 

Unfortunately I'm so busy at work that my music is taking a back seat, but I promise to priorities this track and deliver the hit that it deserves to be!

love!