I wrote a story, I know I haven't been here in a long time, I've moved out of my house and a lot has changed in my life, I wrote a story, I don't know if anyone wants to read it or anything but I'm pretty proud of it...It's something that means a lot to me...so I thought i'd share it
''How did it start?
Oh god, that's going back a long time
A long time with you
A long time without you
With you in my head
I'm watching out the window at the rain, it makes me think of you
The street's flooded, somehow that reminds me of you
Everything is a greyish tint, just like everything inbetween us and in my life
I know i shouldn't think of you but I just can't help myself
You're all I have left
After what you did
I couldn't really get a grip on anything
On life
On myself
On my head
I couldn't forgive myself for being so god damned stupid, I still haven't...almost a year on
I thought I could make you pay
Make myself pay
But that ain't no way to treat someone you love
And cause no one can define their future
It just happens
You can't hold onto it with your fingertips
Cause if you could, I'd be strangling it...''
The day they met
Well, he knew
He was going to leave the girl he had for this girl
Well, he was going to but she left him first
Good job too, cause he was sure he wanted this other girl
A spark ignited the air between them
Like a wildfire
Like the sun
Two became one
And that's how it was, even after the crash
at least for him
They'd hold hands and kiss a lot
He'd say he cared so much about her
Never met anyone like her
He made her happy
And he meant that from the bottom of his heart for the first time ever
Never said he loved her though, he wanted to save that for a special moment
She was special in every kind of way
He knew he wanted to spend his life with this girl
She meant so much to him
He knew they were soulmates
But he only called them ''lovers''
They only said they were ''dating''
But it meant a lot more than that to them
They'd sit by the fireplace at his house and just talk forever
He didn't want her body, or anything else
He wanted her, he wanted to make her happy
He wanted to be happy with her
Ain't nobody that meant more to him in this world
And it never changed
She was the one thing in the world he had to hold onto
And for once...It actually seemed genuine for him
6 years depressed
And it was gone just like that
He smiled
She shivered
She'd been waiting for this
A man, a real man
''I'm in love with you''
God, she just wanted to hold him so tight
She opened her mouth with a grin and just a few words
that flew out like a million butterflies over a sunset
Beautiful.
Just like her
''I love you too''
That's all it took
in a dark room, dead and silent
The world around them shook
''I love you''
Like an earthquake
It made a ripple in time
it made a ripple that would last forever for him
Her patient hands waited to grasp him
Just for a moment...well...everything felt right
With a kiss and smile
Everything felt right
''Just one more''
She always said that
And he always gave her what she wanted
They walked alone in the dark
With no light but the spark between them glowing bright
A warm, honest, comforting light
They went down an alley
''Would you please stay with me?
She asked him what he meant
''I know I've had a bad past, but I want you to be a part of my future and my present''
She said no
''Just kidding, I'd never let you go''
His heart sank and then he smiled
That was it, the one day everything was perfect
The best day of his life, and not so far, but the best day he'd ever have, he knew
They'd wake up in the early blue morning light
Just dark enough to see the stars fade
She'd always be late for school
He wouldn't let her leave
''I don't want to be without you
I really don't...You're what makes waking up worth it''
He really meant that
For 6 years now he had no reason to wake up
He was going to just end it
But now?
He had a reason to wake up every single day
Her
She was his reason
She always was
Even when it got too hard to wake up
He'd shift and shuffle without her
Couldn't sleep right without her laying on him
So cute, so content, with a smile on her face
With love's indent, a red mark on his neck
Like a shift in the current of the ocean pulling him to the floor
It encased him, and made it impossible to breathe
It was a struggle
But when she was laying there it was all fine
It was so peaceful
Just himself he couldn't stand...
But she changed that
Evergreens...?
Mighty oaks
Peircing the sky
Standing tall and proud
That's how he felt
But did he climb too high with her?
Cause when your head is in the clouds
The only way is down
And rain would soon follow
He went shopping with her one day
he told her how he understood her illness
''I don't eat for weeks sometimes, I know how you feel''
She was anorexic
He didn't care, he thought she was the most beautiful girl in the world
There wasn't anyone else he wanted more
He didn't like it, but because he thought it was harming her
Not because he didn't like the way she looked
She drove him insane with lust
She never really knew that
He wasn't really a passionate guy
They had to leave early to go to a clinic
She came out crying
''I have to go to hospital for a long time''
He didn't care
''I love you, we WILL get through this''
she smiled
''You know, I don't deserve you''
He smiled back
''You deserve me, I promise...''
He wasn't really that good with words
But she knew what he wanted to say
She was a long way away
He just longed to see her
Just once
He'd spend long times on the phone with her
''How you doing?''
He wasn't doing good, he always lied to make her feel better
He felt like he couldn't keep breathing without her
she was his oxygen
And he was running out fast
''I think we should separate''
With a kiss and a hug
He stood up and left...
He knew it was for the best
He'd become a terrible person
He couldn't even stand himself in the mirror anymore
He was so sad that he spent hours upon hours in his room
Never coming out
Just sleeping
Not even eating
He just withered
She wouldn't have wanted that
He gave up
And she wasn't going to be around to see it
He felt like glass
Conducting the currents in the air
And the air was so hot then suddenly so cold
It was cracking him so mercilessly
It was hard, he just shut himself away
Everything was gone
Like a sudden blackout
Everything was done
It was the start of the crash
She said
''Just yourself you can't stand...
Why?''
He didn't know
It was the only way he'd ever known
To hate himself
All he knew was that he was growing bitter
Bitter and older
Like winter winds
Like an old man that felt like the world owed him something
Suddenly the blue skies became a source of emptiness
With the acute absence of her
Watching and waiting
Looking at other people have what they once had
Well that was the worst part
Cause that's all he wanted
A cloud formed over his head
''I need to get away from this''
So he drifted across the ocean floor that was his mind
She wasn't here anymore
Just traces of a wildfire that was once in here in his heart in the form of empty trenches that were once filled with life but now are hardly alive at all
A glow from the sun seen from the darkest trench of the ocean floor hurt his eyes and his mind
That's what the blue sky meant to him
Just a light from the bottom of the ocean floor
Teasing him
Reminding him of what he once had
Like sweet kerosine
It wrapped him in fire
''Here the ocean floor suits my soul''
Like a panic attack in the threads of time
Everything was just going backwards
And you know what they say
When you're going backwards, you're looking at the things you're trying to reach
Nothing quite seemed right anymore....
She left
He left
Everything left
He was just laying there for 3 months
Just dead
no smiles..
No happiness
Just....
A struggle in his mind
An honest struggle
When he wasn't used to being honest with himself
It was a desert, a desert he didn't know how to cross
He was lost
Lost, lost, lost
He just wanted to see the girl he would have called his wife
Just one more time...
Just once more.
He started feeling her everywhere
Flashbacks, hallucinations, hearing voices
He obsessively traced their steps every single day
''Every single stupid day, you haunt me, why?''
He sat down for hours in the rain just talking to her
It wasn't really her, but he was on his knees for her
He didn't know what to do
So he turned to drugs
Smoking and sniffing whatever he could find
Eventually it got the best of him
He was heartbroken
And the drugs were the only way out
Of all the drugs, heroin was his way out
It was like a warm blanket had just come over him
And he had no worries, she was gone
He was gone
Something would always be gone
He sold his soul to the inferno
That was his life now
He prayed to god
he wasn't a praying man
But he was hoping at least god could understand
He got no reply
He shuffled around in his sleep for a while
Seeing her in his dreams
He sweet smile, her perfect eyes
Her heart of gold, her perfect lies
he couldn't do it anymore
He laid his body on the floor
He contacted her for the last time
He told her he'd be fine
But he was lying
It was the last time
Forever
''Forever and always
I promise, even when I'm gone''
''Got lost, real lost...''
How did he get so lost?
Looking at himself in the mirror
And not knowing the person looking back at him
That hurt a lot, that was one of the worst things
Sometimes he'd see her there behind him
Holding him from behind
whispering ''Everything will be alright''
It wasn't, it never would be
He was just a jealous bitter old man on his own
No pictures, nobody to turn to
No family, nowhere to call home
Done, defeated, down for the count
Replaced, exchanged, written off
Cast away, unwanted
He was just a jealous bitter old man
And the pain of the weight of the world told him that perfectly
He started seeing her again only this time...
''Why are your eyes so god damn dark?''
He learned something, 8 months is a long time to spend on your own fixing things
And 11 months is long enough to make a decision
He buried himself
''I am how I am, that'll never change''
An empty black bag and a rope like her fingers around his neck
''I'll let go, I promised myself I would''
A carbon monoxide lullaby
Sad isn't it? How people can drive people to things like this
It was just a smile he wanted, all he ever wanted was to smile
Just a little peacetime
Something to tide him over after the battle
Nobody ever loved him, he just wanted love
So he took his peacetime hopes
And he buried them with himself
He uttered one last thing
looking at her photograph one last time
Like the jealous bitter old man he was, looking at his dead wife's photograph
''We were supposed to stay young''
