[montydog]

Hi,

I've just finished this and I'd like to know what you guys and girls think.

This is about how random events and chance are what define our lives, not the decisions we make ourselves.

Original demo: http://soundcloud.com/alan-walker-4/sad-marianne

Final Version: http://soundcloud.com/alan-walker-4/sad-marianne-final-version
 
Update: I've re-recorded this following advice from forum members. It's now shorter, sung in a higher key and I've added a little simple cello part. I'd love to get some feedback to see if I've improved it or not.

Do you ever think how things would be if you'd turned south
Instead of north on the fourth day of winter
The smallest change could re-arrange the picture
On your wall because after all
It's in the future

    
A small cafe, a coffee cup, you looked straight at me
We started there and parted here 5 years later
Another glance and circumstance would colour
Every day a different way
There'd be no other


There's a woman standing there I don't know her
She could be my lover, not a stranger
Left instead of right at the corner
Chance is the master saboteur
Chance is the master saboteur


If I'd come home my usual way I'd have missed you
Walking arm in arm along Clark street
With a man I didn't know, your dead eyed deceit
Came as a blow dead black crow
On the concrete

A line was down on my route strike of lightning
Stroke of luck good or bad can you tell me?
Like I said all along there's no guarantee
That what you plan, sad Marianne
You couldn't forsee

All I have and all I know is an illusion
Catherine wheel of chance dance of delusion
Happenstance, coincidence confusion
Soft scattered light, diffusion
Soft scattered light, diffusion


Cool water flows past your feet lazy evening
Clouds roll by summer sky daylight's leaving
Words you've said inside her head like an echo
Back and forth on broken strings
Solemn cello


You can't stop the flow of time it's like a north wind
Hold out your hands, make demands, it's for nothing
You're not to blame but just the same you're drifting
Out of reach towards the beach
Where years are waiting

[jmacdon]

At 4:55mins this is a long song - I think you may need to guillotine a verse.  But, back to the song - the lyrics are fantastic.  They make sense and they rhyming is in the right place too, ie, "another glance and circumstance"  - i love it.     

It does need a little perking up a bit.  If you added an appropriate percussion, then this would help move the song along and keep the listener interested.    I'm not saying this song is soporific, but it does need something to help push it along a bit faster.   

I hope you find these comments useful - and I'd love to hear your next version!

[James Nighthawk]

This picks up a lot with the finger picked section. Its a little workaday before then for me. The stripped mix really wants a more vibrant vocal to grab me. The words are lovely, when i read them they are really good, but the singing lacks any conviction of character to sell them to me.

I call tell there is lovely work here but I am searching for it a little too much. And I agree it is too long in its current state.

A cropping and a fresh vocal would be my two cents. Decide what your message is with the words and sell it too me 

[mikewyattmusic]

Really good lyrics!! Not my cup of tea, but can appreciate where you are going. I would say it is a bit too long, and feel like there are too many various rhythms separating sections? Like I know in songs different rhythms are good, obviously, but when affecting timing and the feel of the song maybe too much? Just my thoughts.

A good song though I thought!

[UnknownLegend]

That change is brilliant!

All I have and all I know is an illusion
Catherine wheel of chance dance of delusion
Happenstance, coincidence confusion
Soft scattered light, diffusion
Soft scattered light, diffusion

These lyrics are great

But yeah possibly slightly too long IMO

but great song

[Florida Mike]

A lot of nice use of wordsmithing. I like the more uptempo breaks where you get into the Travis Style Picking.
From a "Vocal Tip" standpoint ---On the third phrase of each slow verse where you reach for the higher notes perhaps you could rewrite the opening word so you don't have to deal with multiple syllables while hitting that target note...for example

The smallest change could re-arrange the picture ? Could be...."Change can re-arrange the picture", and you can target right to Change without dealing with the smaller syllables...

I like the Later "Chorus lyrics a lot, and I would suggest thinking of combining the FIRST and The second to have one that is a Repeat...but that's a very individual thing...just the way I hear it. For example the first two lines of the top Chorus and the three from the later...

There's a woman standing there I don't know her
She could be my lover, not a stranger
Happenstance, coincidence confusion
Soft scattered light, diffusion
Soft scattered light, diffusion

Again these are just suggestions, I like the song, and like many of your word choices and a favorite was "Solemn Cello".
Cheers, keep having fun!

[nooms]

hi monty
beautiful guitar and vocal
but i lose it at the changes into 'quicktime'
i really like the slow parts, weird because those changes are probably intended to keep up the interest but they dont, not to me anyway, they kind of slow the song down in a strangeway, make it sound longer than it is...
very nice gtr playing, the lovely end gtr sequence could also be used as a pause earlier in the song for good effect.
like it very much just not keen on the 'quicktime'
all the best
nooms

[man of simple pleasures]

wasnt feeling it at the beginning as it went on for a while then kicked in with theres a woman standing there, i reckon that bit should have come in sooner and then when you slow it down again go back into that bit sooner, cause thats great when it changes like, cut this down and it be a cracking little tune i reckon! its all about that change for me!

[vibesville]

There are sections of this I really like. The faster picking is really nice and reminds me a lot of Leonard Cohen as do the lyrics. Maybe a bit long for me. Re record the vocal with some more passion.

Like it though :)

[bewarethisboy]

This is a very well planned piece of work. Accomplished lyric - nicely turned. I think I will echo a good deal of the previous comments - love to hear this with some more feeling in the vocal it would make the listener feel more involved. But I think the song itself while a little quirky - and unconventional is really strong. Thank you for sharing. BTB

[GuitarArt1980]

I really like this. The subject matter is something I think about from time to time and it's cool to hear a song like this. Normally, I'd prefer a song like this to be shorter like 3:30 tops, but the lyrics keep my interest until the end. There are some words though that get lost in the mix, but overall nicely done!

[andy5544]

It's a nice song , but as others said ,it lost my attention about half way through , a shorter version would be better , maybe a case of less is more . 

[montydog]

Firstly, thank you to everyone who commented. It's appreciated and I've found the feedback very helpful.

People who commented on the lack of vocal commitment were spot on. I'd written it in a key a step too low for me to sing easily so now I'm capoing at the 2nd fret and suddenly it's come alive

Almost everyone said it was too long which is fair comment and I've been through it and I can't find what to cut without losing too much of the meaning and story.  I'm hopeful that with livlier vocals and some interesting instrumentation, I can carry it off.

Opinions divided 50/50 between liking the fingerpicking sections and not so I'll keep them in!

Florida Mike - Thank you for your detailed advice and suggestions - I appreciate the time you've taken. It's in the works

Once I've recorded a full version, I'll post again and you can all let me have both barrels :-)

Thanks once again.

[ABeautifulVirus]

bravo! this has a stark minimalist attitude blending poetical/musical audioscape styles of Leonard Cohen, contrasting to the complementary fingerpicking parts which explore the sweet dexterity and flavour of Simon & Garfunkel.  lyrics are TOP SHELF!  impressed.

[Boydie]

I am glad you have already taken onboard some of the feedback and I am looking forward to hearing the new version

I agree with a vocal re-record and I think you are spot on about upping the key a notch or 2 - I think this could make all the difference

I am a fan of the finger picked sections 

I would be tempted to speed up the slow sections a little - you sound like you are currently at around 60bpm and then around 100bpm for the finger picked section

However, the slow sections sound slower due to the delivery and inconsistent rhythm - with the opposite being true for the finger picked section

Therefore my (possibly controversial  ) suggestion would be to try evening the tempo out slightly (not completely)

e.g. perhaps try 70bpm or 80bpm for the verses, which I think will keep the melanchonic (is that even a word?) feel but still move the track along a little - and shorten the overall length without sacrificing a verse or 2

A more consistent "beat" (not necessarily rigid or with drums) will also help with the perception of moving the song along without upping the tempo too much (which will also help with the length)

I could see how some may be resistant to this due to the existing feel of the track but I don't think you will know for sure without trying it

Just some thoughts!