[laurabh]

I'm 15 years old and an aspiring songwriter/guitarist. This is the latest song I've written. I hope you can see improvement. This is a really personal song to me, and it really reflects my life right now. I took your advice in writing more 'country-like' songs, which show a lot more emotion, and I hope you can see that in my writing. I'm not giving this up, so please, keep giving feedback, It really helps me! Laura  

PS: I posted this days ago and had no feedback, I realized it may be because it wan't structured well, so I re-structured it and adjusted a few things.

VERSE 1
I’ve got a dream in mind,
It’s staying there, ‘Cause I know I’m gonna get it.
You’re playing me like a tug of war,
Pulling me over the line, to that dull, boring life,
That I don’t wanna live in.

VERSE 2
You, spreading your stupid lies,
Getting your kicks from picking on the weaker kid.
I’m just playing it cool,
 I’m not putting up with stupid people like you.
“Look at her, thinks she’s smart, so quiet, going nowhere fast. Needs to get real.”

PRE-CHORUS
You’re gonna push me down, bury me deep
But I’m rising back up, not gonna let it be.
You can talk and talk, nothing better to do,
‘Cause one day, you’re gonna be working for me

CHORUS
This time, in a couple of years,
You’ll be sat at home in your worn out jeans
While I’m rocking it out on MTV.
Yeah this time, in a couple years,
You’ll be creeping around pretending you know me,
While I’m hanging around with the people you wished you could be.

This time in a couple of years,
You won’t be tall enough to look down on me.
While I’m living in a nice house, with a studio, by the sea.
This time in a couple of years,
You’ll be looking back, this is who you coulda been.
Whilst I’m strumming my 6 strings, being who I want to be.

VERSE 3
I can see your life in a couple of years
It’s looking bleak, you’re still the same, bitter kid
Still talking and bitching, Only It’s too late now cause nobody's listening.
Criticizing, but bragging how you used to know me
But it’ll be too late, you’re gonna be left lonely.

VERSE 4
It’s you who needs to get a grip,
You’re a loser, so pathetic,
Pointing out my flaws every time I trip.
But this is when it stops.
I’ve had enough, I’m setting off,
on the road that you could never, ever go down.

PRE-CHORUS

CHORUS

BRIDGE
Why should I quit?
For a loser like you.
I'm not stopping dreaming,
You should try too.

CHORUS

[The Corsair]

'While I’m rocking it out on MTV' seems lifted right out of 'Sk8ter boi'...

Aside from that, these are... alright. You're still writing in the same relationship/breakup-centric way and it's a tad, well, boring. This is not me trying to discredit you, you're writing is getting better (though I feel there's been a few steps backwards in this song), I'm more discrediting the subject matter. A lot of writers, especially younger writers, that get warned that writing about sad breakups is quite unoriginal and generally bad, so they switch to writing about breakups that are 'going their way' as it were in which they are empowered in the situation, much like this song. In a sense this is no better.

But then again, the fact that you have started to make this shift means it's clear you're willing and able to make further changes.

I understand this is quite personal, but that doesn't shine through. It looks like something anyone could have written. You need to use language that makes it personal to you. It needs to look like something Laura wrote.

[laurabh]

Yeah, just realized that line exists in another song, It wasn't intentional.
I think I went straight in head first in this song, and I can see the flaws now. Although it isn't about a relationship or a break up, I can see that's how it must come across, so I'm gling to work hard on finding a better subject matter, something more original.

Looking back, I can also see what you mean about 'going backwards', the last song I wrote 'change my mind' is loads better than this, its more original, and shows a bit more emotion, but as I said, I went in head first without using my past songs as a reference, which I now realize was a mistake.

Thanks for your advice Corsair, I always like the advice I get from you, totally honest and it really does motivate me, and I'm not giving up, because ruling this song out, I feel an improvement in my writing.

Maybe that has been my problem all along, and that's whats going to fix my writing. The personal side showing through, A song that lets the audience know how I feel, and shoes that clearly. The next song I write will show this. Mark my words. I'm not rushing into things, and Im going to study hard, and think to achieve it. I know I can do it, but I guess all aling I've been focused on the popular, and mainstream songs, which have been putting me in the wrong position as a writer.

Thanks again,
You don't know how much I appreciate your feedback

Oh, and could I have your honest advice on this,
I'm passionate and determined to become a songwriter, and be know for what I do, and I'll do anything I can to achieve it. However, I'm wondering whether a lyricist alone would be the wrong path. Would I have a better advantage say, If I was a guitarist, or if I could learn to sing?

[Sellon]

Dime a dozen, unfortunately, like corsair said,  nothing special, try and use more powerful words, make it your own, use those raw emotions you have, really spark something special, I know you can do it, you just haven't unlocked your full potential, I got faith in you, keep writing

[Matt B]

This sounds to me like somebody has annoyed you and you are just having a little rant about them. Try using sub text rather than being so up front with your words which makes it sound a little simplistic. Your storytelling is quite good so improve on that and you have a basis to move forward from.