[Peppermint]

Hi everyone,

Here is a short song that i've written,
I've tried to take on board what people have said about my songs.
Alot of you say i rhyme to much so i have tried to not rhyme to often and still make sure that the song makes sense.
So it might not be to great as i'm stepping into new territory when writing songs that don't rhyme so much.
I have to say i didn't feel comfortable writting it without having a rhyme all the way through the lyrics.
But hopefully its a step in the right direction anyway let me know what you think.

Remember

The words that i said,
While lying in my bed,
Are the words that you must remember,

Im not made of money,
And my hearts not made of stone,
And thats the things that you should remember,

If you don't want me,
Then i'll show you the door,
Its not like we haven't been in this situation before,
If only you could remember.

Then you walk out into the night,
Saying you'll be alright,
Until you walk to somewhere you can't remember.

Remember what i say,
And then well be ok,
Next time that you need to remember.

[S.T.C]

After the third verse you need a bridge/chorus thing going...then it will be fine..needs to about twice as long i think..then it will be complete..i think it`s your best effort yet.

[The Corsair]

I agree with STC unless your plan is to do this as a slower piece, in which case it could work.

Outside of that, I think your lyrics are making definite improvements peppermint

[Peppermint]

After the third verse you need a bridge/chorus thing going...then it will be fine..needs to about twice as long i think..then it will be complete..i think it`s your best effort yet.

Thanks songsthatcry,

I 'll take on board what you've said

[Peppermint]

I agree with STC unless your plan is to do this as a slower piece, in which case it could work.

Outside of that, I think your lyrics are making definite improvements peppermint

Thanks Corsair,

I agree with the two of you that it should be longer and have a chorus,
I wanted to have a try at writing a set of lyrics that didn't look like a poem like my others.
I'm glad i'm improving like i said this is a new way of writing a song for me.

At least i know im working in the right direction now for writing songs.

Thanks for both of your reviews its much appriciated.

[Mr.Chainsaw]

This reminded me of someone I knew at school (brother of a friend of a friend) that basically smoked pot until he destroyed his mind. He's got that real stoner "Urrrrr...like...yeeeeaah maaaan..." thing going on that seems humourous and cute but is actually brain damage

Then you walk out into the night,
Saying you'll be alright,
Until you walk to somewhere you can't remember.

That part especially. It's like he can't function outside his house anymore, in the real world. Sad really.

Anyway, good lyrics. I'm pretty sure there's no law against short songs

Peter

[Peppermint]

This reminded me of someone I knew at school (brother of a friend of a friend) that basically smoked pot until he destroyed his mind. He's got that real stoner "Urrrrr...like...yeeeeaah maaaan..." thing going on that seems humourous and cute but is actually brain damage

Then you walk out into the night,
Saying you'll be alright,
Until you walk to somewhere you can't remember.

That part especially. It's like he can't function outside his house anymore, in the real world. Sad really.

Anyway, good lyrics. I'm pretty sure there's no law against short songs

Peter

LOL nice story,
 thanks for your review mr chainsaw.