[stephaniedema]

Hey guys!

Was just cleaning out my desk and found my "old" notebook. Came across a few pieces of unfinished songs/lyrics.
I kinda like this one (or at least what it is up to now  :p), but I'm not sure whether it's worth trying to finish.
Any thought?



Picking concrete off the ground
your white tail like a wedding gown
If you're no mad bird then who is?
Oh, beautiful madness

No cage could ever lock you
No nest could ever bind you
No pill could ever cure you

You're a mad bird
The madness doesn't hurt
It makes you stand out in the crowd

You spread you're wings and fly
We're gonna get so high
Find our own cloud
(and never come back down)



Yes, I know the second line in particular sucks, but couldn't really be bothered replacing it ATM  :p

As always, all of your comments/suggestions are very welcome
SD

[James Nighthawk]

“Do you think I've gone round the bend?"
"I'm afraid so. You're mad, bonkers, completely off your head. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

I love this quote, and this book. As such lyricism that celebrates the quirky, mad, insane and bonkers is aces in my book. So, yes, persevere!!

However...

Picking concrete off the ground

This means nothing to me, unless I have missed something. I'd review, especially as an opening gambit..

You spread you're wings and fly
We're gonna get so high
Find our own cloud
(and never come back down)

I'd scrap this entirely. Cliche alarm at full, constant alert. This is bad enough in general, but in a song that is aiming to celebrate the wonders of the oddball, serve all cliches with a large side plate of subversion 

[stephaniedema]

Cheers for the review!
Was already afraid for clichés :p So thumbs up for the idea, but rework the whole thing?

SD

[The Corsair]

I think having 'oh beautiful madness' is a bit of a waste there. It doesn't really have any substance... If it was used in a different way whereby it wasn't the main feature of a line or lyric it would be fantastic but standalone it's not quite right. It also happens too soon after the last use of the word 'mad'

I also agree with James that the last stanza is very cliched...

It's also very obvious that this is unfinished as it isn't much of a song (no discernible chorus or any other structural features) and doesn't have much of a narrative.

That said, the premise as it is could be very interesting. The downside is you would need to do a lot of re-working in order to make this extendable into a whole song...