First Post

  • 3 Replies
  • 1706 Views

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

dimallthelights

  • *
  • Busker
  • *
  • Posts: 2
« on: April 30, 2012, 06:50:59 PM »
Hi all.

This is my first post and the first time I have really shown anybody what I write.

Would love some feedback!....

Infactuated with ideas that never make it past a mention
Inundated with fears that smear progression
tension, stiffens my bones I don't walk the way I used to
or get loose to electronic music with the carelessness that you's do
the roundabout in my head isn't there cos I choose to go round in circles in an attempt to lose you
bad love will bruise you
still confuse you with the person I used to see straight through though

Its strange to see the stranger that made ya
detached, rematched, no sense of loss to phase her
whiskey subdues the pain that rooms in my room with faliure
i guess what moving away does is enable her to not think about having to stay here,
i just lay here,
somedays I smoke Sundays get hazier and hazier,
lazier and lazier,
only a woman can tame the downfall when danger becomes a man's only savior.

The Corsair

  • *
  • Platinum Album
  • ****
  • Posts: 863
  • I'm the latest model Johnny
« Reply #1 on: April 30, 2012, 08:08:23 PM »
It's good, it is, but it doesn't quite come off as a song. Nor a poem, actually.

Is this meant to be a whole song or are you just showing us part of a song? It reads like it could be a set of verses...
Defective Elector

Sellon

  • *
  • Open Mic
  • **
  • Posts: 198
  • Disregard Everything I Say...

...

« Reply #2 on: April 30, 2012, 08:46:13 PM »
Don't think its a song, I read it more like a letter to someone..
What if we both just smiled at once?

Soul Punk

  • *
  • Solo Gig
  • ***
  • Posts: 360
  • Wild hearts... Blue jeans and white T-Shirts
« Reply #3 on: May 01, 2012, 02:08:37 AM »
I agree it doesn't come off as a song

however, when I came to this forum I often had a message
wether it be lost love or even in angst of love or another message
but the forum has slowly shaped me through honest feedback

that being said you have a creativeness about you, why else would you seek out the forum
keep at it my friend and listen to the guys, they only wanna help

Gaz
Wild hearts... Blue jeans and white T-Shirts