[Peppermint]

Hi everyone,

Here is a song i wrote about christmas,
Hopefully it isn't another one of my songs that works better as a poem more then a song.

Christmas Day


Santa is on his way,
With rudolph and his wonderful sleigh,
And we thank the lord for this beautiful day,
If only he could keep the rain away.

Children start unwrapping thier christmas presents,
And the families in thier kitchens cooking the pheasant.
And we thank the lord for this beautiful day,
If only he could keep the rain away.

As they sit around eating their christmas dinner,
They start to chat about how their aunties been getting thinner,
And they play games where the kids are always the winner.
Is there anything more to say, About this wonderful day.

As christmas night starts rolling in,
The family starts to open a bottle of gin,
As they wave goodbye to santa and his sleigh
We thank the lord for this beautiful day.

[jmacdon]

Good effort Pepper, but to hear the words Santa, Rudolph and Sleigh in the first couple of lines reminds me of a well known Christmas Song.  As such, any pretentions of originality go out the door.   As a songwriter, I also hate over rhyming and this song abounds with cheesy aliterations such as day, away, present, pheasant, dinner, thinner, winner..... you mention gin in verse 4.  I think thats what the listener needs by this stage.....

Mind you, given the right melody, this song might work !   

[Peppermint]

Thanks for the review jmacdon,
Hmm you might be right about the over rhyming.
Its quite hard to write a happy christmas song without mentioning santa and rudolph etc.
I had an idea to write a christmas song and the first words that came to me that reminds people about christmas is santa,rudolph christmas dinner etc.
"you mention gin in verse 4.  I think thats what the listener needs by this stage" this made me laugh LOL.
Never mind back to the writing board again  .

[S.T.C]

Good effort Pepper, but to hear the words Santa, Rudolph and Sleigh in the first couple of lines reminds me of a well known Christmas Song.  As such, any pretentions of originality go out the door.   As a songwriter, I also hate over rhyming and this song abounds with cheesy aliterations such as day, away, present, pheasant, dinner, thinner, winner..... you mention gin in verse 4.  I think thats what the listener needs by this stage.....

Mind you, given the right melody, this song might work !   

I think it must be quite hard to write about Christmas without using the usual suspects,,,,,there never deep songs .

[Peppermint]

^ I agree

[The Corsair]

It's alright, not really that great.

I think it does come off as a poem, which is a shame (mainly due to the lack of a chorus), but I can see how it could be a song and would easily work as one no doubt.

I can't say you've done a terrible job. Good, new, original Christmas songs are incredibly difficult to write, we only get a few new originals every decade (compared to new hit singles it's an alarmingly low number)

If you want to hear a few interesting takes on Christmas songs to get a tad inspired then my recommendations are A Fairytale of New York by The Pogues (

) and Ebenezer's Carol by The Men That Will Not Be Blamed For Nothing (

)

[Peppermint]

Thanks for the review corsair,
I think i'll leave writing christmas songs in future and stick to non festive songs.

[postmn]

If only he could keep the rain away."

Explain?

[Peppermint]

If only he could keep the rain away."

Explain?

LOL  
Well you dont want it to rain you want it to either be sunny or even better snowing.
And "If only he could keep the rain away" the he is the lord.

Not being rude postmn but i though it was quite self explanatory.
Anyway apart from that do you like the lyrics?